Confessions of a Former Ag Major

Update

2012-01-14T16:24:00.003-07:00

I haven't written here in a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I still want to. Facebook may be to blame for my apathy about blogging. I can type out a quick status update and be done with it.

This has been an interesting fall/winter. Hard to believe that Dave died more than 2 years ago. We just had our third Christmas without him. That still sucks beyond belief. I think that Christmas Eve night is my own little hell on Earth. Other than that- things have been pretty good.

Chris is ten years old now. He's getting tall and his feet are WAY bigger than mine. They're only half a size smaller than his dad's feet were. He's so helpful around the house. Because of his size and strength he can move and fix things that I wouldn't have been able to tackle by myself. It's hard to remember sometimes that I don't have to do everything alone anymore. He likes to help and has a knack for "tinkering" that reminds me of his dad. Chris's sheep flock is doing well. He has three ewes who were marked when we took them to breed. We're hoping that translates into six spring lambs... but, lambs, like chickens, should not be counted before they're on the ground.

Sam turned seven last summer. He's tall and strong and still climbs everything in sight. His speech is finally more intelligible and the boy has interesting things to say. He also has a love of the television and all things electronic. He is the boy I have to drag kicking and screaming into the sunlight. Zowie got bred last week so we are expecting spring puppies. I think I may turn that responsibility over to Sam. He needs some encouragement to work hard and working with animals seems to be one of his biggest talents. Sam's other real talent is cooking. He loves to help in the kitchen and I have to sneak in baking time when he's asleep if I don't want company in the kitchen.

Jake is now six. He's funny, and amazing, and a pain in the rear- all at the same time. He's the kid who is most like me. That's not always a good thing. His wry observations make me laugh. The boy's sense of humor is twisted and wrong (which just makes us laugh harder). He's hard to discipline because it's so hard not to laugh at him. He was a spontaneous reader, but it's hard to get him to buckle down and practice. He loves getting together with friends and has never met a stranger. He is eager to help with anything and everything. Jake also loves to sing and has been trying to teach himself to play guitar. That's a sight to see, since the guitar is larger than he is.

I'm still doing the same old stuff. We still homeschool. We still have some deficits and excel in other areas. Grandma is amazing and active at 90 years of age. She is great company and offers wise advice (when I'm patient and wise enough to listen). For the most part I love my life and realize how blessed I am to get to be with the people I love, doing what I like, almost every day of my life.

Priorities

2011-08-22T19:56:00.004-06:00

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

What is normal friendship development? How often do you hear from your friends? How often should you expect them to want to get together? I know that every relationship is different. I know that people's schedules and ability to give to a relationship change over time. We all get busy with work and other activities and when we do have a chance to be home- we want to veg, not catch up with friends we haven't seen in a while. I am not a giving, present friend 100% of the time.

It's been so long since I've really made new friends. I've made very casual friends. They're the people who I hang out with on occasion and rarely seek out. We run into each other or someone has a wild hare and schedules a get together. We don't talk every day. We don't make it a point to get together and have dinner every month or two. We might purposely see each other a couple of times a year.

I think the problem is that I'm missing my best friend. The one who was always here. The one who wanted to hear me bitch about the stupid stuff every day. The one who would dance around the living room with me when I heard a song I liked. The one who would put spending time with me above everything else in his life. Yeah, that guy.

Amy's my other best friend. She also listens to the stupid stuff I complain about on a daily basis. She has never danced around the living room with me- although she did once wear my bra stuffed with socks. WE make spending time together a priority- when she's in town- which isn't often. I love hearing from her. I love listening to her complain about the stupid stuff that's bothering her in her day. I love hearing her speak about the things that excite her.

I don't have a best friend in my town, let alone in my house, anymore. Amy is awesome, she really is. But she's not the same as having a best friend in my house who partners me in life. Am I possibly at the point where it's time to put my toes back in the pool and open myself to the idea that there's another man out there who can be that friend, lover, and partner that I want?

The shallow relationships that I've maintained here locally (of the male type- my girls ALWAYS have my back!)- they're annoying the hell out of me. They've been annoying me for a couple of months now. I don't want to be an afterthought. I want to be important in someone's life. I miss having a partner. I miss having a lover. I miss having someone to take care of, and think about, and do things for and with. Of course I miss Dave... but this is something more and different. I think that I may be ready to make room in my life for someone new to be that partner, lover, and friend. Maybe. Or maybe I get so irritable and annoyed because I'm not ready? Eh, what the hell... next month is going to be about exploring and trying to do something positive with my social life. I'm open to ideas and suggestions (and set ups- hint, hint).

Remember Me

2011-08-09T21:44:00.001-06:00

Interesting Revelations that could only happen during a county fair...

2011-08-09T00:03:00.003-06:00

That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the task itself has become easier, but that our ability to perform it has improved. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I learned something important during the fair this year. I like being single. Shocking, yes?

I feel like I need to add a disclaimer here: I would never have chosen to live my life without Dave- if anyone had given me a choice. In no way am I saying that I'm happy he's gone or that my life is better without him. Neither of those statements are true.

What I am saying is: I like being single. I like my life. I like not answering to anyone else. I like being the one who decides how to allocate resources. I like knowing that it doesn't matter if I make it home for dinner or not. If the kids are with me we can do whatever sounds good at that moment in time. If we want to stay late at the fair, there's no one missing us at home. If I want to wake up at the last minute and make the kids eat a granola bar in the car for breakfast- no one's going to criticize.

During the course of this year we've bought a lot of sheep. Well, we bought 8 sheep. That's a lot for us. I picked them all up with the horse trailer. Then I drove them to weigh-in... and sheep meetings... and the fair. If you've never pulled a trailer, or if you've always pulled a trailer, that might not seem like anything special. I haven't really driven with a trailer in about 18 years. I've kind of forgotten how to back up a trailer without jack knifing. It's also kind of interesting to hitch a trailer, not difficult, just interesting.

As I was backing into the driveway with the trailer on the night of fair check-in, I realized that I was incredibly happy and peaceful, both at the same time. We'd completed our 4-H year. The kids were doing well. Every place we'd needed to be- we made it. Stuff was ready to go for the show the next day. The kids were ready for the show the next day. I BACKED the trailer off the road, down over the drainage ditch, and into the driveway by the shop. Then I unhitched the trailer, sent the dog to the house, said goodnight to the llama (who I'd tracked down, tried to purchase, and transported the week before), got in the suburban to pull around to the front of the house... and realized... I was HAPPY! And a large part of the reason I was happy... was because I'd done hard things... and I'd done them by myself.

The boys were with me. I can't say that they didn't help- they did. People in our 4-H club helped, of course they did. But really- I did this. I got my family through the 4-H year. I managed the meetings. I figured out how to feed the kids dinner on the go for the nights we needed to be on the other side of the valley by 6:30. I bought the suburban so that we would have a vehicle that will haul a trailer. I arranged for Chris to buy sheep. I took him to buy sheep. I paid for some of the sheep. I arranged to have feed delivered. I encouraged Chris to go out every day, multiple times a day, and take care of his lambs. I drove us to all of the meetings, and workshops, and practices that the kids needed to learn and grow. I re-educated myself on how to BACK UP that darned trailer! For all of the details that had to be worked out, big stuff, small stuff, seemingly inconsequential stuff... it got done.

I can do hard things. I can even do them with grace (sometimes). I can make things that used to be hard seem easy because my skills have improved. It feels good.

Canyon County Fair 2011

2011-08-08T23:35:00.002-06:00

I'm a horrible mom and took hardly any pictures of the fair this year. I'm sure that I have more pictures on my camera- but not really very many of them. This picture is of Chris slick shearing his own lamb a couple of days before we checked into the fair. He did a great job. His leader, Claudia, and I helped smooth things out a little, but he did most of the work himself.

The little boys both showed pygmy goats this year. They had a great time walking them around the goat barn and keeping their water bucket full. There's just something about little boys and water. Both of them did all right in the show ring- considering they were milling around for about 45 minutes while we waited for the judge to come back from her break. Then they lined all the little kids up on the pavement in the sun and had them stand there for a few minutes before letting them enter the show ring. By that time- none of the kids were practicing their best showmanship skills. A good time WAS had by all... and Sam did NOT lie down and play with the grass in the arena this year! Overall, that's an improvement!

Chris showed two market lambs and two ewe lambs. He slick sheared one and a half of his own sheep. TJ, the teen leader for our project, Claudia, and I sheared the others. This was the first time either Chris or I had tried using the slick shearing clippers. They're nice. I think we should budget to purchase our own set next year.

The lambs did fairly well. Chris got blue ribbons on everything. He is the world's slowest pen cleaner. I just have to say, it was painful to watch- so, I'd usually go hang out in the tack stall behind the barn :-) This was the laziest I've ever been at a fair. I did make sure everyone got where they were supposed to be on time, but the kids did their own work. That's the way it's supposed to be, that's the way it was. Nice. That's all I can say :-) NICE. Even the handing off of sheep and putting on of halters as Chris exited the arena and had to go right back in with a different sheep- a kid helped with that (thanks, Katelyn!).

We have some of the nicest families in our 4-H club. It was a joy watching and listening to them as they worked throughout the week. Some of the teens got a little bit grumpy as the days progressed and the lack of sleep was compounded. They were still awesome. I didn't hear a single parent complain about the judging or berate their kiddo for anything that happened in the show arena. We're blessed to be part of such a supportive, positive group of people.

This is the first year Jake's been old enough to show. He was VERY proud to have the opportunity to take Willow the pygmy goat. Willow was born in 2003. Showing him has become a family tradition. Each boy has gotten to take him to the fair the first year they show. The really funny part of that is that Willow is a pain in the butt to show. He also weighs about twice as much as the little boys do. Willow's big goal for the past four fairs has been to visit the expo building- on the other side of the fairgrounds. Whenever he sees it, he takes off running... and Jake can just run along with him or let go... he CAN'T stop him! It's pretty funny. All the people in the area panic and run to catch the wild goat. Little do they know that like any good dog, he'll eventually come back. It does make it challenging to actually show him when the showman only weighs 40 pounds though.

Sam took a yearling doeling of Mom's to show this year. She'd been to a show or two, but hadn't really been handled all that much. When we started working with her (and I use the term work very loosely, pygmy goats didn't really register on my list of important prep work for fair) she would barely walk on a leash. By the time she came home she was a friendly, little thing. She also walked well on her leash and learned to follow the boys and Willow even without a leash. I like her a lot (shh... don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to maintain). She did run across the arena, dragging Sam, but all in all, they did pretty well together.

It was an awesome fair. Even though I didn't take many pictures it is still a fair that I'm sure will live on in our memories. We came. We had fun. It was a success!

Breathe

2011-08-02T18:45:00.004-06:00

For some reason today I feel like I can't breathe... and on top of that I have more than my fair share of bitchiness. I'm trying to keep it to myself, but it's spilled over onto other people more than once today. I hate feeling like this. It's that strange, emotion moving under the skin feeling. My filter's not totally gone- but it's shredding a little. I'm not sure what to do to bring everything back into alignment and find my peace again. I'm hoping that it's just exhaustion and that once I get some more good rest my normal good mood will return. In the meantime- I just need to work on only letting the nice words come out of my mouth :-) which is much easier said than done.

Really bad poetry- you've been warned.

2011-07-26T00:11:00.006-06:00

"Tis the night before fair and all through the house,

our belongings are strung amid mess, socks, and sawdust.

The club banner and name signs reside

on the suburban front seat

beneath the sheep cards, shears and rakes.

The laundry is strewn like dandelion fluff,

trailing through the kitchen and into the hall.

Kids are asleep still wearing their boots.

(They've been warned that I don't care if they wear thongs on their feet- my job's to make sure they don't forget the sheep).

Dining's not an option at the dining room table.

Archaeological digs might find layers of paper, glue, felt, stickers, and lotion (don't ask).

Our poor dog is lost in all the commotion.

The kitchen remodel is coming along.

Luckily, food's not a priority, there are more important tasks.

Thank goodness record books were due early.

Now if only we can keep them looking neat and pretty

Until they reach the club display booth.

Things feel way too in control tonight-

Surely something remains to be done, but for now... I'm headed to bathe and make myself smell girly.

Bad Dreams

2011-07-21T17:17:00.002-06:00

Early this morning I had a dream about Dave. In the dream I realized that I should have tried texting him (because technology is just THAT good, lol). When I texted he answered. Then he came over. The gist of the dream was that he wasn't dead- and I was FURIOUS because he hadn't contacted the kids (for some reason the fact that he'd ignored me too wasn't an issue). Apparently he'd gone into some sort of job training program (like Job Corp?) and had decided that he just couldn't do what he needed to do while dealing with all of us.

I know it was just a dream. I know it was ridiculous. I know that Dave was NEVER like that. But- I'm still having a hard time getting past the mad feeling.

The whole dream could be a sign that I've been dithering over whether to keep Dave's phone line going or not. I want to save the outgoing message but I haven't actually taken the time to do so. Until the message is saved off of there- I'm willing to keep paying for the phone line- because when I need to I can hear my husband's voice. I can even leave him a message if I want to.

We're in the middle of getting ready for fair. The sheep weigh in next Tuesday and our club scrapbook and record books need to go in on Monday when we decorate stalls. When I'm busy and overwhelmed I tend to project my feelings about one issue onto another issue (or person, or event). Before Dave died I was much better at seeing my own motivation for actions. I was also better at recognizing emotions and knowing why I felt the way I did.

This evening I'm wondering if maybe I'm a little mad at Dave for leaving- and leaving me with all the work and all the kids to raise. I know he didn't have a choice, and had he been offered a choice- he would have done almost anything to stay (except trading his life for one of ours). I still love the man like crazy. He's been dead for almost two years and I still find myself getting irritated with him on occasion. I don't want to be mad at him, especially when there's nothing he can do to make it better. There's no action anyone can take to change the outcome.

This is my life. I love it. Come hell or high water... this is mine. My family. My home. My choices. My decisions. My life. It wasn't all that long ago that it was OUR life. Even though it seems like it's been a long time- it hasn't been all that long. I miss OUR life. I miss having someone to share the joys and the responsibilities and someone to take care of (but not like a parent caring for a child). I miss my honey. He was also MINE. Apparently I don't do well letting go of my stuff or my people.

Here's hoping that tonight brings sweeter dreams...

Mom's not always all there

2011-06-25T10:46:00.001-06:00

Have you ever had one of those moments when your brain malfunctions? Chris and I weighed his lambs on Thursday for the first time since weigh-in, which was mid-May. It was a little scary. Our rate of gain averaged .39 pounds per day on feed. That's abysmal!

Ha, ha- guess what? I was remembering the weigh in weights as 10 pounds heavier than they really were. Dur, dur, dur, dur. Way to go, Mom. Now that I tracked down the real initial weights- we're averaging .53 pounds gained per day on feed (.53#/dof). That number's still not great, but I think it will look better the next time I weigh them.

A little over a week ago Chris woke me up to tell me that there were dogs in the sheep pen. I went out and sure enough, there were two black dogs sitting at the gate, wagging their tales at me. When I went in they started growling, but moved away from me. They'd been there for a while. There were five sheep hiding in the little shelter in the dog kennel (my husband built a huge dog kennel and it's the main "corral" for the sheep- they're out on pasture, but can still get into the kennel, it's where we grain them).

I couldn't convince the dogs to exit the gate, so I started looking for the two missing sheep while keeping an eye on the dogs. The Boise market lamb, Sheepy, was standing pressed against the side of the shop. He looked fine, he just wasn't moving around. Lily, our bum lamb, was dead on the ground. She'd been gutted. Of course- she's Chris's favorite.

Since I couldn't get the dogs out without upsetting the sheep- and I did not want the sheep starting to run with the dogs in the pen- I went back to the house. On my short walk back I had to make the choice between shooting the dogs while they were still in the pen or getting their owner. Since I was positive they were from the house back behind us, I got my keys instead of a shotgun and made an early morning call in my nightgown to tell the neighbors I needed their dogs out of my sheep NOW.

That's always a lovely way to meet your new neighbors, isn't it? Especially since I was wearing my nightgown and not much else. The neighbors were great about the situation and even took Lily and buried her so that I didn't have to deal with her. They paid for her and the vet bill for the rest of the flock.

Every lamb we own had scrapes and scratches in all four of their armpits. The big, blackface ewe, Tulip, had a couple large scrapes on one flank. Sam's little ewe had a large cut in her left, front, armpit which required stitches (she's still swollen and stiff).

Sheepy looked good, but still wouldn't rejoin the flock so the vet and I went out to him- she thinks he broke his left, front leg. The suspected break was high enough, towards his shoulder, that she couldn't splint him in the pasture. She said we could bring him in if we really wanted to, but she recommended not moving him around that much because it could displace the break. She was also uncertain that a splint would work well, since the whole shoulder would have to be immobilized. So far he's looking good. He's a little stiff on that front leg, but actually limps less than Brisca (Sam's ewe) does.

At any rate- back to that rate of gain thing... I'm not too concerned about the mediocre rate of gain because I'm pretty certain the dogs ran off a week's worth of gain. We'll try to weigh more often so that we can keep on eye on things. I'd like to boost that gain to .7#/day from here until fair time. Chris has been excellent about feeding the sheep and keeping them in fresh water. He really is committed to keeping them healthy and happy (plus, he wants more money).

We've started buying from a feed store in Caldwell. This is big news to me for two reasons. First, they give us an excellent price on feed with a 4-H discount. Second, the sales rep delivers the feed to our house. She even brought Chris a pallet to keep the feed on so that it doesn't absorb moisture from the concrete shop floor. Betz Feed, Caldwell, Idaho- they deserve a shout out! Awesome people, very youth friendly, very knowledgeable.

Dance With Me

2011-06-20T20:29:00.000-06:00

Nap time

2011-05-31T00:25:00.006-06:00

Remember when your kids were young and they'd get so tired, either from excitement or illness or changed routines, that they just would NOT go to sleep? It starts out with just a little fussiness, just a bit of grumpiness. Before too long they're just not happy with anything you try to soothe them.

Favorite blankie? Why would you offer them that rag? Binkie? What do you think I am- a baby? Cuddles? Oof, you're too hot- let go! How about a game of peek-a-boo? Good grief woman, I'm mad and i do not want to play that STUPID game!

Eventually, after exhausting all the fun parenting tricks in your bag- you just put the kiddo to bed and leave them to scream. The screaming is heart breaking- but trying to jolly the kiddo out of it doesn't work. So, screaming it is- until- abruptly, mid-wail, they fall asleep.

You can try to head off the screaming, but once the kids hit that point in their exhaustion- all you can do is delay the inevitable. The screaming has to happen before they'll be able to relax and surrender to sleep. One of the toughest things any parent does while their kids are young is try to figure out when to help and soothe and when to leave the baby to melt down. There's a bit of second guessing and wondering if there's something else that can be done to soothe them to sleep... but generally by the point of leaving them to "cry it out" you've already tried everything you know- at least twice.

Grief can be like that. I feel it rise up under my skin. Everything feels unsettled and "off." Nothing is really right. Everything rubs me the wrong way. I can jolly myself out of it for weeks, sometimes even months at a time- but- eventually the melt down has to happen. No one can pull me out of it. I can be distracted- but beneath the surface the grief is still rising.

Melt downs aren't fun. They may be cathartic- but they never totally dispel the grief. Nothing is ever completely settled. That seed of grief is still there. It will grow again. But each time I melt down, I learn more about the process and begin to see the signs along the way that warn of impending chaos, anger, and heart wrenching sorrow. As I recognize the signs I can try to vent the grief in new ways and hopefully get a handle on it before it's ready to explode out of me.

The melt downs are coming much farther apart these days. I hope it's because the grief is starting to mellow a little (although there are days I'd dispute that statement) and because I'm gaining new tools to help vent the emotions before they take control of me.

* (as I typed that last line, "Walk this Way" started playing in the background- and I smile. Only my very good friends will understand. I think it's a sign that I should end here).

Songs for a Sunday

2011-05-29T09:01:00.000-06:00

That time of year

2011-05-28T22:27:00.002-06:00

It's been so busy around here that I haven't taken the time to sit down and write. We did get all three market lambs weighed in. The two largest lambs are weighed in for the Canyon County Fair and the little guy is weighed in for Western Idaho Fair. We missed our sheep 4-H meeting this month because we were still driving home from the Boise weigh in.

Most of our club doesn't go to that fair because it's too far away. We joined the club when we lived on the west side of Nampa- just across the highway from Caldwell. When we moved we didn't want to switch groups because we love our club and the families who comprise it. Now I joke that we have to drive to the boon toolies in order to participate- and that's more than kind of true. It means we're one of few families in our group who live this far east. It also means that the Boise fair is much more feasible for our family than for most of our friends.

Right now I am so glad to be a homeschooler! Summer is so busy and we run all the time. We get up early and work all day. With the boys therapy appointments happening several times a week on top of all the 4-H activities and general work around the house and with the sheep- there is not a lot of down time. I can hardly wait until September. Most families will be gearing up for school activities and busier than ever. We will be taking a break and enjoying the rest. I don't know how we'd ever manage to get everything done and take care of everyone if we had to work around a school schedule. I know that families do it all the time- but what do they give up in order to do so?

Weight GAINING blog record!

2011-05-12T10:52:00.000-06:00

I have a couple of cousins who are documenting their weight loss journeys on their blogs. I think it's a great idea because it give accountability and provides an easy to access record of their successes and can work as a wonderful tool for evaluating whether whatever method they're choosing is workable for them.

:-) I'm more in need of a diet than either of my cousins- but- that's not something I really care about working on at the moment. Maybe someday it will be, but today I'd like to use my blog to begin documenting our 4-H lambs and their progress through this summer!

Chris picked out his market lambs on Saturday and yesterday he and Sam went and bought breeding ewes. We need those market lambs to be over 110 pounds by the end of July in order to be able to sell them in the 4-H/FFA livestock auction at our fair. Judging by the frame size of our lambs I think he needs to shoot for 130-140 pounds in order to have his lambs finished (appropriate amount of fat cover) by fair time.

The ewe lambs don't have to make a minimum weight requirement, but we would like to breed as many of them as possible this fall. In order to do that they need to be fairly large and have enough fat to begin cycling (ovulating). The Dorset ewes are smaller framed than our black faced sheep. Chances are that they'll be too small to breed no matter how we feed them- but we're still going to do our best to grow them as well as we can. I suspect Chris will show his Dorset ewe for showmanship and he certainly plans on showing her in breeding classes at the fair. I'm not sure what kind of weight goal to set for them. They should be about 110-120 by fair time- I think.

This morning we brought out the new digital scale that Chris purchased with some of his market lamb money from last year. I think we need to make a box for it so that it's easier to keep the lambs on top of the platform without holding on to them (and skewing our weights). So... the weight in results for May 12, 2001 are (drum roll please...):

Lily (bum) 55lbs

Flora (1163, Chris's Dorset ewe) 55lbs

Brisca (1173, Sam's Dorset ewe) 45lbs

Tulip (1123, Chris's Hamp/Suffolk ewe) 80lbs

Brutus (801, Chris's Caldwell lamb) 69lbs

Sheepy (1047, Chris's Boise lamb) 60lbs

Lambchop (257, spare market lamb) 79lbs

We're planning on feeding Rangen lamb grower this year. The bag we opened last night looked good enough for the humans to eat and the lambs seem to love it!

Sam was so excited about his ewe that he got up about 10pm and I had to walk out with him to check on her. Chris was up at 6:30 this morning because he felt the need to check too. :-) So begins our year...

Grand excitement

2011-05-11T07:23:00.002-06:00

Last Saturday we bought Chris's market lambs and brought them home. He's learned a lot since last year- but I did catch him measuring the ribs instead of the loin. He laughed and moved farther down when I asked why he wanted to know how big the lamb's ribs were.

Today we get to go look at breeding ewes. I'm almost (not quite, but almost) as excited as Chris is about it. Chris really wants Hampshires, I saw some beautiful Dorsets at the fair, Suffolks always sell well... choices, choices. The people we're going to see today have some of the nicest sheep in the valley. I'm positive that they have gorgeous suffolks and dorsets, but I'm not positive they have hamp ewes for sale (I think they do, but her email only mentioned the dorsets). It will be exciting for Chris to go actually choose- luckily the Fishers are really nice and helpful and can offer him advice that he may or may not listen to if it were coming from his mother.

It's really odd to realize my kid is old enough to participate in his own money making venture. My nine year old is now self employed :-) I'm proud of him!

2011-05-09T23:20:00.001-06:00

2011-05-07T21:50:00.002-06:00

What is that? Can I eat it?

We had the pleasure of doing chores for Mom tonight. She has an interesting mixture of critters at her place. Before I get into the list of animals I need to tell you- the woman has a MS in Animal Science. She spent years working for USDA, FSIS as a red meat inspector. She is one TOUGH lady.

She's also very tall and slender, elegant, intelligent, and totally capable and competent at many things.

Having said that (now I'm giggling): the lady raises pygmy goats and cavies (guinea pigs, for the uninitiated). When I was growing up we had horses and sheep and eventually started raising rabbits. Now she's pygmy goats and cavies. In fact, she's an ARBA cavy judge and the reason I got to feed tonight is that she's out of town judging.

The high points of the evening were playing with her spotted donkey, Sabrina, and watching Dory the Border Collie watching the cavies. There's nothing else on Earth quite like that border collie focus. She's intense... and she REALLY likes cavies.

Walk in faith

2011-05-03T22:50:00.006-06:00

“Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.”
Mahatma Gandhi

Walk in faith. It's harder to do than you'd think. Go with the flow. What will be, will be... so very hard for people like me who seriously lack patience.

I know that time answers most questions and heals most hurts. It just takes sooooo long when what I want is instant gratification. Could we please just fast forward life and get to the good parts? Wait! No, I take that back. I want a long and rich life. If I fast forward through the everyday stuff I would miss the most valuable parts of this life. So... how do I get from here to there without fast forwarding and without losing what is left of my mind?

Walk in faith.

Trust.

Believe.

Love.

Walk in faith.

Why are the important things always so complicated- and yet simple at the same time? Simple, simple ideas- such simple ideas.

Fear crowds out faith. Impatience comes with it. If I let Fear and Impatience play together long enough they invite their friend Anger (at least he seems to come to all the parties they host at my house). So... when all else fails and fear starts to set out the snacks and is looking for the phone to invite his friends over... practice walking in faith, practice letting go of what I can't control anyway (and really wouldn't want to), practice loving without reservation, practice being open to life and whatever good may be coming my way. Trust that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen... and put the fear and worries in a balloon and "let it go."

Walk in faith.

2011-04-28T13:45:00.002-06:00

http://krissyrich.com/did-the-pma-fairy-visit-you-this-morning/

:-) Follow this link, because I can't figure out how to embed this video in my own blog. Krissy is a fellow homeschooling mom who was part of our TEACH co-op before she and her family moved to California. This video is about how she maintains and cultivates her positive mental attitude. Towards the end she references a book called, "The Compound Effect." The sign she made for her kids has stuck with ME ever since I watched her video the first time. "It all matters. It all counts. It all makes a difference over time. Everything I do, say, and feel matters, counts and makes a difference over time. I make amazing little choices every day."

"If only"

2011-04-28T13:14:00.006-06:00

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

~Sydney Smith

Many years ago Amy and I came up with what we call the "no regret" rule. Whenever we come to a crossroads and we're not certain which path to take we ask which choice is most likely to yield the fewest regrets.

The path not chosen always bugs me. What would have happened if I'd chosen differently? What if I'd said this, or done that? How would my future have changed? Would my future have changed? I LOVE to have all the variables thought out and in my control. Hahahaha, how often is that EVEN a possibility?

Sooooo... we come to the point where two roads diverge in the wood- and one path is clear and well worn and the other is murky and shaded... which way do you go? It's easy to walk in the sun, we still don't know what's around every bend, but at least we have light to see. But that murky, shadowed path calls to me BECAUSE I don't know where it leads. What if paradise is just around the corner and in my desire for safety and security I totally miss it? On the flip side- what if hell is around the corner and I save myself because I took the sunny path?

I'm getting to know myself a little better in my old age. I find that I really will regret not seeking the truths found along the less traveled path.

It's scary to put yourself "out there." Recently I did just that. All of my cards- they're on the table. And... it didn't change anything. I could have kept to the safe and sunny path and eventually these two roads would have met further down the hill. But... I always would have wondered if they would end up in different places. I would have regretted not taking the scarier path.

I might have regretted it for the rest of my life, because "if only" is a phrase that can eat away at a person. "If only" I'd said something. "If only" I'd done something differently. "If only" I'd been braver (because saying what you really think and feel takes a whole lot more courage than I'm sure I have on most days). "If only..."

Even when nothing changes, "if only" has no power over me- because I explored that other path. Even when both roads led to the same destination I can move forward with no regrets- and that meets both the words and spirit of the "No Regrets" rule. :-) I have no regrets, I wouldn't change a thing. I won't take anything back and I don't wish I'd stayed quiet and still.

"No Regrets" baby! It's a pretty darned good rule to live by.

The end of dating

2011-04-22T17:18:00.003-06:00

Dave and I actually only dated for about 20 months. March 6, 1999- November 3, 2000. I always say that we dated for two years- but that's a slight exaggeration.

When we started dating we were just having fun. Neither one of us was interested in a long term relationship- or really any kind of relationship. I remember about a month after we started seeing each other my friend, Kory, came to stay with me before his best friend's wedding. He left the same day that Dave was coming into town. As we were standing at the door saying our goodbyes, Kory looked at me and grinned and said, "You're only safe as long as he doesn't start bringing you presents."

It was the weekend before Easter.

He brought me the neatest box made of limestone tiles. Inside it was a little purple rabbit. He'd picked the tiles specifically because they were pieces that contained fossils. It's really one of the most unique things he ever gave me (other than children- the children are pretty unique).

I just laughed at the time (although Kory's comment did keep repeating in the back of my head) because we were NOT dating. We were just friends who were enjoying each other's company.

Fast forward a few months. During the late summer of '99 I went and spent a week in Nevada with my best friend and her husband. It was sooo much fun! My mom had surgery on her arm that week and I had been planning the trip to Amy's for a couple months... so, I asked Dave to check in on mom and I went to NV anyway (I know, bad, bad daughter). Amy and I talk on the phone ALL the time. It's not like she didn't know anything about this man I was spending time with- but not dating.

His name came up so often in conversation (because I was thinking about him) that I finally had to admit- we WERE dating. It was a surprise to me. He laughed when I told him. Apparently he'd thought we were dating for a long time.

We dated for another year while I worked in Shoshone and lived in Gooding. It was nice having a regular date every two weeks. After our fair in July I took a week's vacation and flew to Seattle to visit Kory.

I lived in Gooding.

Dave lived in Nampa.

We didn't usually see each other during the course of the week.

Somehow it was different being out of state. Also, I apparently gave Dave the wrong number for Kory's house and I didn't have a cell phone (in that ancient time period). It took FOUR WHOLE DAYS before he finally figured out the actual number (apparently my writing makes fours and nines confusing). It was horrible. I missed him SOOOO much- even though it made no sense, because I didn't usually see him during the week.

That's when I knew- I wanted to marry him. It took another month and a half to convince him. Seven weeks later we were married. :-)

One month

2011-04-21T23:25:00.002-06:00

One month until sheep weigh-in :-) We're getting close. Tonight we got to go play with lambs for our 4-H meeting. The kids all got to feel and evaluate the three lambs we did catch, and look at many, many more from the fence. It was our first meeting of the year involving actual animals. Chris enjoyed it and he remembered quite a lot from last year. It's easy for me to think we're starting over each year- but we're not. He retains a LOT of information.

Here's to building for the new year!

2011-04-19T18:48:00.001-06:00

Hurdles

2011-04-13T23:51:00.012-06:00

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall. ~Mexican Proverb

You would think that in our lives we are faced with ONE big challenge. ONE huge jump to get over... and then after that the course is clear and smooth.

Yeah, how many of you are already shaking your heads? Life's not like that.

Let me begin by saying that I love my life. I really do. With all it's challenges, all it's tears, all it's craziness- it's my life- and EVERY difficult thing has been balanced with amazing good.

People frequently ask if there's anything in your life you'd go back and do differently? No. Not only no, but HELL NO! Every experience helps build who I am today. Are there events I'd change if I could- of course there are. I'd love to grow up with a dad. My husband- still miss him every day and probably will for the rest of my life. Choices I've made- those I would never trade or take back. I could choose differently and I might have saved myself a lot of tears- but I might have missed out on the best parts of my life.

At this point in my life I thought that I'd be settled, my life would be not only planned out, but falling in line according to the plan. Let's just say that I never expected to be a widow. I worried about being a widow. I worried about it a lot. My mom's a widow (and has been since she was 27). That's what I grew up with.

My husband and I had a remarkably peaceful and smooth marriage. There were very few fights. I ALWAYS had it in the back of my mind that if he died I didn't want our last words together to be less than loving. EVERY time I left the house I told him I loved him. If he left without coming in and hugging me and saying, "I love you," I'd call him as he was driving away (he stopped leaving without hugs and kisses pretty early in our marriage).

Keep in mind- I'm far from sweet and kind and easy to live with (it's ok Mom, you can comment if you want to). My husband had to be a pretty special (and patient) man in order to put up with me and my constant, compulsive need to make sure that our relationship was solid ALL the time. There was ONE day I almost left home without kissing him goodbye. We were in such a hurry. It was the night of our 4-H enrollment meeting and we were running late and I had sooo much I needed to do. Backing the van out of the driveway I just couldn't pull out of the driveway- I HAD to go kiss my husband and tell him I loved him. What if I never saw him again?

I'll remember that night for the rest of my life. It was October 1, 2009- and he was dead before I returned from that meeting.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean someone isn't out to get you.

What do you do when those ideas come into your mind and you just can't get them to go away? What does it mean to keep having recurring thoughts that just seem totally unlikely? Do you pursue that odd, random line of thinking? Do you ignore the illogical? Assume it has no basis in YOUR reality and turn away? Or do you push beyond what is comfortable?

And... when your worst fears seem likely... and you have a choice to walk away... avoid those fears... don't get involved... be a stranger. Do you walk away? Do you RUN away? Or do you stop, turn around, shake it off, and start to fight?

Huh, I'm a fighter. Who knew?

I'm also incredibly insecure, not about myself or my self esteem (good heavens, no- I should probably have a little LESS self esteem). I would very much like security in my life. I want to know what is going to happen, when it's going to happen, where it will happen, who it will happen with, and why it will happen. ("It" being life). I want to know what variables will change the results. I want to know which variables are available- whether they'll change the results or not. I want to KNOW. More than that, I WANT CONTROL. Life is scary. I should be able to exert some influence on my own destiny.

Yeah, quit laughing and shaking your head. I know that I don't actually get to control the big things in life. I KNOW that. It doesn't mean that it's easy for me to accept that. I hate being a passenger. Who's steering this thing? I hate being scared. Hate= fear. I hate, hate, hate being scared.

Guess what? Life's not about easy. The things we value most are NOT the ones that come easily or that we gain without taking big risks.

Oh look! There's a huge hurdle ahead! The worst part of jumping is knowing that if it doesn't all come together "just right" it's going to hurt like hell. You know going in- that the possibility exists that you're not going to be able to walk away if you fall. Yet, we jump anyway.

When all of your feet are off the ground and you hang in mid-air- faith carries you. So, deep breath, put on the big girl panties, shoulders back, chin up... and... crap! I DON'T JUMP!!! I like my horse on the ground! I like to be safe! What am I thinking???

Oh yeah, now I remember... I've hit the part of the course where my only choices are to turn around and go back or to learn how to fly. I don't think I can live with turning around and retreating so I guess I'd better settle myself with a deep dose of faith, trust, and the belief that I will land on my feet after clearing this jump.

2011-04-11T17:11:00.001-06:00

2011-04-09T15:35:00.000-06:00

defecation. defecation. defecation. defecation. defecation. defecation. defecation.

Peace

2011-04-09T00:22:00.001-06:00

Make Me An Instrument of Your Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light,
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

--- St. Francis of Assisi

Little Miss

2011-03-30T13:35:00.001-06:00

Bleh

2011-03-27T10:55:00.003-06:00

We've been sick around here since last Wednesday. Joyful. Joyful.

Have I mentioned in the blog that we've been raising bum lambs? I keep meaning to take some pictures to post- but then I forget or Chris erases my memory card. Bum lambs are never a money making proposition. Typically they're "free" lambs that the producers are willing to give away in order to not have the hassle of messing with them. :-) We all know that there's no such thing as a free lunch, don't we?

So... to make a long story short... milk replacer is $47 for a 25 pound bag. Ouch.

We've been raising two lambs. One is a cute little ewe lamb with a spotted body (she'll grow out white) and really sweet little wool cap. She's also squirrelly as can be... we like her anyway. The other lamb was a twin whose momma had big teats. Big teats make it hard to nurse because it's hard to get their mouths working properly to get milk- especially if the ewe is engorged. His twin died and the producer (our 4-H leader) told us that we could take him (since we were looking for a companion to our ewe lamb).

The ewe lamb (Lily) is an easy lamb. She picked up on bottle feeding within about six hours of arriving here. She's gained steadily and started on feed well. The ram lamb (Leon) is not bright! He took about a week to catch on to bottle feeding. I don't know how many times I drenched him with a turkey baster to get some food in his stomach (all the while cursing that I didn't have a tube handy to just tube feed the sucker).

We banded Lily's tail when she was about a week and a half old. Leon had to wait because he still wasn't eating well and I didn't want to stress him. When he FINALLY was thriving Chris and I headed to the pen with the elastrator, intent on castrating him and banding his tail (to make the tail short). What a happy day for Leon- we realized he only had one testicle descended- so no castration that day.

About the point we'd invested in our third bag of $47 milk replacer a vet friend of ours came over to anesthetize Leon and try to manually work the testicle down. That didn't work. So, she took him back to the clinic and they operated to surgically castrate the lamb (which she assures me shouldn't cost more than $50). At this point we decided to use Leon as a market lamb for the fair because he was WAY too expensive to put in our freezer. On the plus side- he was gorgeous.

You all know where this story is going. Well, if you raise livestock you know where it's going. Bright and early on Friday morning Chris went out to feed. Leon was dead in the pen. Yep. Now there won't even be an expensive lunch- and I still have most of that last bag of milk replacer.

*random thought for the post- did you know that the word "elastrator" isn't in the spell check dictionary. How can that be? I've included a picture on the very rare possibility that the rest of the world doesn't know what an elastrator is.

Classic

2011-03-24T09:38:00.004-06:00

This morning Sam broke one of the fence rails on a fence that Chris uses with his Breyer horses. It's pretty major drama. For the past two hours he's been stomping around the house and complaining about Sam. Now I notice that the house seems to have picked up a new decorating theme. The signs are everywhere. Sigh.

Starting over

2011-03-22T15:49:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted regularly. I'd like to change that. Writing helps me work through the things that confuse or bother me, gives me a platform to share joy, and helps me record the important events in my life.

Reading back through my blog reminds me of what my children were doing at any given point in time. It reminds me of how far I've come and how far I still have to travel. It brings to mind the wonderful memories, and relives the sad times. It's a small slice of my life- and it looks like that life was seriously impacted a little over a year ago. If you look at the blog it seems like that life may have just flat out stalled- because there are so very few blog posts.

I have had stalled times. I've also had times and memories that I haven't felt able to share and I haven't put forth the effort to record something else in their place. Today, I'm pledging to change that. I may write drivel, it may have no deep meaning and even less literary merit- but I'm going to write- and I'm going to write regularly.

A little bit stronger.

2011-03-22T01:12:00.001-06:00

May I become...

2011-01-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

May I become at all times, both now and forever

A protector for those without protection
A guide for those who have lost their way
A ship for those with oceans to cross
A bridge for those with rivers to cross
A sanctuary for those in danger
A lamp for those without light
A place of refuge for those who lack shelter
And a servant to all in need.

-Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

Arrogance?

2011-01-23T12:57:00.006-07:00

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never."

Jack Benny

I've been blessed with a couple of friends who are at about the same stage in the dating (or preparing to date) game as I am. It's always nice to have other women doing similar things that you can talk with- kind of like when we were all first moms and shared stories about pregnancy and caring for infants.

One of the things I've discovered in the past year is that I really do have an arrogant streak when it comes to dating. Dave and I spent eleven years as a couple. We were happily married for nine years when he- died. He didn't leave. I didn't get tired of him. We didn't "grow apart," or "fall out of love." We loved and appreciated each other more on the day he died than we did on the day we married. In other words- our marriage was a success. I'm not single because of choices that I made, or because of choices that Dave made.

Most single people in their thirties are divorced. There's a lot of divorce going on with our age group. Divorce doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't mean that you don't have what it takes to be part of a successful relationship. It doesn't say anything about your character. The circumstances leading to your divorce- those say a lot about you.

It's almost taboo to bring up people's failed relationships. I realize that it may hurt to talk about what went wrong. So many people respond by saying that they don't want to look backwards- they're focused on the future- because it's the future that matters. That's an admirable outlook- in a way. But, no matter what led to the divorce, I don't think you're ready to date if you haven't analyzed the negative outcome and examined how your own choices and actions led you to where you are today.

As a new member of the dating pool, I want to know what people are going to do differently this time around. If you just never were a good match for you spouse, what are you looking for in a partner this time? What traits did you overlook that later on you couldn't live with? Even if your ex is psycho- how did you wind up choosing them? If you admit some blame in the failure of your relationship- how have you changed so that the same issues aren't going to haunt your next relationship?

My heart is delicate. My husband guarded and protected it. He placed my well being and protection above his own. I was spoiled, and in return I spoiled him. I would have walked through fire for that man. We laughed- a lot. We loved- a lot. We simply enjoyed spending our time with each other- a lot.

Before we got married, we spent two years dating. In the beginning we weren't looking for a life partner. We were just having a good time and enjoying each other's company. As the months passed we spent more and more time together. About six months after we started seeing each other I realized Dave had become one of my best friends. He thoroughly ticked me off one night and then hurt himself when he was out walking off his own case of mad (because I did a good job of ticking him off too). As I was pulling the goat heads out of his hands I realized that I loved the idiot (I was still a bit mad at him at the time).

Those two years of dating were sometimes a bit stressful. Once I realized I was most likely in love with Dave, well, I wanted to know how the story was going to play out. It was too early to think of marrying the man. I really do think two years is a good time frame. You learn so much during that two year time frame- and you have your own space so that you can think about whether the things you're learning are things you want to live with or if they're going to drive you to wish to commit murder.

The hardest times for us, as a couple, were probably in the year after I realized I REALLY cared for Dave. I didn't want to grow to care even more if he was going to wind up walking away in the end. There's such a fine line to walk between protecting yourself and being open enough to let love grow. It wasn't made easier when Dave refused to say he loved me- 15 months into our relationship. He told me that those were words he never planned on taking back and he was saving them for his wife. Over the next few months he admitted a few times that he probably did love me- but he still wouldn't say the words.

I hated feeling like I was vulnerable, but I trusted Dave to treat my heart gently. Finally, I had the opportunity to apply for a job in Moscow- which would put me about four hours farther away from Dave than I was while living in Gooding. I was only partially teasing when I told him one afternoon, "You should marry me or I'll be moving farther away." He said, "Okay." And then- then- after almost two whole years- then- he said...

I LOVE YOU!

and he kept repeating it for the rest of his life.

Our marriage was fairly smooth (we all have our arguments though), but our dating relationship was strained at times because I so badly wanted to know whether to stay and wait for him or whether to walk away and look for someone else. How do you navigate the dating pool? What questions do you ask? What experiences do you look for?

I know that my approach can seem arrogant, but really, my marriage was a success. If I ever marry again I want that marriage to be just as successful. The group of single men my age is so completely different than the group of single men was when I was in my early twenties. They're a scarred bunch. Battle wounds- divorce, addiction, strange personality quirks- the battle wounds are plentiful. We all have a LOT of baggage (hey, look! I have 3 kids!). How do you go about sorting through the possibilities? When you meet someone that you do care for- how do you know when it's time to move on or when it's time to fight for what you want? Heck, how did we know that the first time around?

Thank you, fellow single women in your thirties. Even though none of us have the answers, it's still helpful being able to talk among ourselves. It's really helpful to have validation that you're not crazy, that your questions are questions being asked by the entire group.

Rage at stupid comments made by unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

2011-01-15T12:31:00.004-07:00

Yesterday a friend whose son was climbing all over him made the comment that, "this is what happens when we don't have enough daddy time." There's nothing wrong with that comment, right? Divorce happens- and it happens more frequently than anyone likes. In fact, it's almost more common at my age than a happy marriage is.

The moment the words were out of his mouth, I felt rage. Instant rage. Of course we were standing in the shop out back- which is where my husband spent most of his time, and where he died. My emotions are always close to the surface out there.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. Really, I do (all evidence to the contrary). This is one of those issues that push my buttons so fast I can almost feel my head start spinning (like in The Exorcist). His son is so small and so cute. He's four (I know, because I asked). My baby was three when Dave died. Sam was 5, Chris was 7. They were so young.

My kids get so mad when I call them my babies- but they'll always be my babies. When the paramedics were working on Dave I just kept thinking over and over, "Oh, my babies." Every chance they had to make memories with their Dad ended on Oct. 1, 2009. Jake will never know his dad at anything other than the level of a three year old. He won't talk to him about girlfriends, or puberty, or his first job. Sam won't be able to read to his dad as he masters the skill of reading. None of them will be able to show their dad the projects they make. There will be no more water fights, no more working in the garden and watching their father obsess over making everything perfectly square and in line.

All the small memories that make up a relationship- they're finished.

I'm so glad that most children won't ever have to deal with losing a parent while they're still a child. It's not that my friend is divorced. It's not that his son is lucky enough to have two parents. The comparison between what others have and what we don't have- it's heart breaking.

I'm furious that Dave's gone. Every time I think I've moved forward and healed a bit- something like this happens to remind me that while I may look fairly still on the surface- underneath I'm paddling like crazy. I'd bet that people never realize when something flips that switch. I don't say anything, but I can feel all the hair on my head stand on end and my skin gets very cold. It feels a lot like the initial shock- so very cold. So often people tell me how strong I am. I'm not strong. I'm mad... and I have a feeling that it's going to be a very long time before I get over it.

*For the record, in case anyone is wondering, I don't like it when people censor themselves either in an attempt to protect me :-) I guess the truth is that it's the situation and not the comments that set me off.

So- please don't quit speaking freely around me.

It's a God thing

2011-01-06T21:34:00.003-07:00

This week I had the opportunity to give $130 to someone who needed it way more than I did. I don't know the person I sent the check to. She's a friend of a friend and I learned of her need through facebook- mainly because she was so frustrated it kind of leaked over into her status update. I was curious and asked what her need would cost- and it was just short of $130.

After I saw her response I thought to myself, "It would really be nice if someone would just take care of that for her." She's dealing with some major stresses in her life and her family. I remember how it feels when it seems like life keeps throwing rocks at you and the barrage never seems to end. How can you ever get ahead- or even deal with the rocks currently being lobbed at you? I've never sent money to a stranger ever before in my life. For some reason I felt compelled to do it this time.

When I first offered to pay the bill, she turned me down- because she didn't know when she'd be able to pay it back. I told her that when Dave died people carried us. I have a karma debt- and it's a big one. No repayment is necessary- pay it forward when the time is right. She reluctantly agreed.

It felt right. I have no other way to explain the impulse that drove me to mail that check- it just felt right. I finally got the check in the mail yesterday morning. One hundred and thirty dollars. It's not a small amount of money, but it wasn't going to make me or break me either. We can be creative and not eat out this month. There are several areas my family can cut expenses to make up the difference in our budget. More than once in my life I've felt a strong compulsion to do something. Usually it turns out to be a very good thing.

This afternoon a friend on facebook posted a link to a class her local college is offering online about how to be happy. Here's the comment I left her (and I was being kind of sarcastic, but not totally). "Maybe I can save you some money, lol! Work hard towards something. End each day with gratitude for what you have and forget what you don't have. Believe in something larger than yourself. Take every opportunity to be of service- without expecting anything in return-ever. Smile. Be a friend a friend would like to have. "

Then I went and picked up today's mail.

In the day and a half since I mailed that check I've recieved two checks made out to Dave as settlements in class action lawsuits that we never signed on to. One was for $4.91 and the one I found in the mail right before I left for 4-H tonight was $100. I also found a twenty dollar bill tucked into a strange spot in the tote bag I used while Christmas shopping.

So... to recap... in the day and a half since I mailed a $130 check to a woman who I don't know (but felt compelled to help)... I've had $124.91 in unexpected money make it's way into my hands. This means I'm only down $5.09- and I got to feel the joy of helping someone without expecting ANYTHING in return.

Yep, it's a God thing.

December

2010-12-10T08:00:00.002-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. For the most part that's a good sign. I usually write when I'm angry, frustrated, or excited about something. The past month has been very even keeled. The boys are all doing well. Chris is finally really making progress with reading. It's only taken years of time and effort and the work of a dedicated occupational therapist to finally get everything functioning properly for his eyes to see the words and his brain to process what he sees and turn it into language.

It's amazing how much we take for granted the complicated processes the human brain has to perform in order to do simple tasks (like reading and tying your shoe laces). I am continually impressed by our occupational therapist. In the beginning I thought the OT's were the most useless of all the professionals we worked with- which just shows how little I knew about what they really do.

We finally took our lamb to the packing plant. He was scheduled for the first of December, but we got 8-9" of snow the night before and the morning just fell apart- so we rescheduled and ended up taking him in this Wednesday. I'm looking forward to having a freezer full of lamb and Chris is excited to try making lamb sandwiches like the Basque dancing group sells at the fair. One of my favorite things to make with lamb is salami. We're going to have to make sure we have all the ingredients so that we can make a batch right away, once we pick up the meat.

Jake has written two letters to Santa. One letter lists the things he wants: Wooden stable for breyer horses, Hot Wheels, RC stunt rider car, Star Trek guys, Scentsy Buddy lion, dalmation dog like Fluffy, and Legos. The second letter lists the things he does not want. Apparently NOT getting gifts is just as important to him as asking for what he does want. The second letter says: NO BAKUGAN, NO PIGS. I'm not sure why he listed pigs, but he is going through a strange phase where he thinks all of his old loves (like bakugan and action figures) are scary. He's an interesting child.

Sam is talking really well and I understand him about 80% of the time now. He has interesting things to say and really is a gentle little soul. His only real wish for Christmas is to get a remote control monster truck. Otherwise he talks in terms of what his brothers want. All three boys speak in terms of what they'd like to do for their brothers much more often than they talk about what they want for themselves. I like that about my boys!

We're in the process of making snowflakes using popsicle sticks and glitter. The snowflakes are all assembled, this evening we're going to glitter them. The boys are really excited to make their own ornaments to keep. Sam and Chris love working with the sticks to try and build things. I had to hide them in order to keep enough to do some craft projects. Those boys sure are builders and tinkerers. As they get older I see more and more of their dad shining through.

Chris's feet are bigger than mine. It's not going to be very long before he's taller too. When he walks in from the garage he sounds like his dad. He was starting to sound like Dave, even when Dave was still here. There were times when I'd hear the door open as I was working on the patio. I'd have to listen for a little while to determine whether it was Dave or Chris walking in the kitchen. Chris is always talking or humming so he gives himself away pretty fast- but his footsteps and the way he moves sound just like Dave.

Sam's about to lose his second tooth. He always has his hand in his mouth messing with it. I can hardly wait until it falls out! Poor kid, I know it feels weird and that's why he has his hand in there- but it's kind of disconcerting to see his hand always on his tooth.

Jake's using foam snowflake stickers to make repeating patterns. It always makes me laugh when the kids spontaneously do something that would be in the curriculum of a regular school for other kids their age. Apparently people just naturally do some things at certain ages.

That's about all that's going on at our house. Nothing exciting, just general life. We're healthy and content. Life is good!

My Honey

2010-11-03T22:59:00.004-06:00

November 4th, 2000, I married David Anderson. Somehow in the years that followed that event he kind of lost his name. I called him, "My Love" when speaking to him, "My Honey," when thinking of him, "Daddy," when talking to the kids, and, "My Husband," when speaking to anyone else. I know his name is David, I just don't think I ever used it unless I was introducing him to someone new.

Marriage is one of those wonderful, mystical, blendings that it's hard to find the words to describe. While planning our wedding I thought I knew what it meant to be married. I knew that I was committing to spend a lifetime with this man I loved. I knew that there would be hard times as well as joyful times. I knew that I had to accept him for exactly what he was at that moment in time and not think I could try to change him later.

I didn't know that our wholly complete, individual lives would tangle around each other like plant roots in the garden. I didn't know that we would weave ourselves so closely together that it would be hard to see the lines dividing us as individuals. I didn't know that when someone slapped him I would feel the hurt, and that when something made his day it would make mine as well. In the beginning I thought I knew what love was, but love and marriage are different than I ever imagined.

After he died his last client came to visit me. She brought a sympathy card and came in to talk with me for a while. Dave had really enjoyed working for this couple. The husband was in his nineties and didn't get out much. His wife was a bit younger and she's the one who came to visit. She told me how much they'd enjoyed getting to know Dave and how much they appreciated his perfectionism. And then, she told me that the real reason she wanted to talk with me was to tell me about how he spoke about me.

Apparently they weren't sure I had a name for the whole first week he worked at their house, "My Wife," was a phrase they heard a lot. One afternoon I called and he mentioned me by name when the phone rang. Otherwise they wouldn't have ever known if I had a name. She talked about the way he'd light up when speaking of the boys and telling stories about the things they get up to. Her visit was an amazing gift that I still cherish. I knew that Dave felt that way about us, but I still love hearing it from other people.

This would have been our tenth anniversary. I plan to celebrate it even though he's not here to join me. For nine years I was excited to be David Anderson's wife. Ten years down the road I'm still proud that he chose me to spend his life with. I wish our story could have ended differently (or at least fifty years later) but I will never regret a moment of being Mrs. David Anderson.

Dave was nothing I was looking for in a mate, but he ended up being everything I needed. He was so kind and gentle, soft spoken but with strong opinions, accepting and tolerant of all kinds of people and situations, intelligent but slow to speak. He was a very simple man in many ways. Money and things never held a lot of appeal for him. His wealth was his family. Early in our dating lives he told me he really wouldn't ever consider moving away from this area while his parents were still alive- especially if he had kids. He felt it was important to stay close to family and see each other often. I've been so grateful that he made that stand. Our children know our families well and we have so many memories of Dave that overlap others- it's a blessing my children will definitely be glad for when they're older and their own memories of Dave may not be as clear. Our shared memories bolster each other.

I'm trying to look at our anniversary as a joyful occasion. My marriage is one of the greatest blessings of my entire life. Without it I wouldn't have had this wonderful man and I wouldn't have the kids that I love more than my own life. So, today- let's celebrate! My Honey, I love you and I miss you but I'm sure glad you chose me and that I chose you!

School time

2010-09-27T09:46:00.003-06:00

I've neglected writing about some of the very normal things going on in our house this fall. The school year has started and we're still homeschooling. This week the boys start attending Montessori for a whole day and a half each week. I need a bit of a break and some time to do things without kids trailing me (like housecleaning and grocery shopping and... sleeping). The Montessori director seems to have an almost identical educational philosophy to ours. I think this is going to be a good fit for us- somewhere between pure homeschooling and full time private school.

Chris and Sam both have speech therapy and Chris also goes to physical and occupational therapy every week. We're still going to our homeschool co-op every Friday (and we love, love, love it!). The only days of the week we're not running to appointments are Tuesday and Thursday. So... Montessori all day Tuesday and in the mornings on Thursday. Thursday afternoons I've reserved for excursions into the mountains, sagebrush, visiting, and exploring. Those activities are our favorite part of homeschooling.

I think it's going to be so good for them to interact with other adults and children without my constant presence. They're not old enough that I'm ready for them to be gone several days during the week, but this seems to be a perfect situation for us. It's also terrific that the Montessori approach to reading and math are exactly what we're already practicing in our home. :-) This situation is better than I ever dreamed I could find for our family. It allows me some freedom and time to schedule my own appointments- but it doesn't turn over my kids education to someone else. This feels right.

Some days I can't believe I did that...

2010-09-27T00:05:00.003-06:00

One of the girls I went to high school with, recently lost her mother to cancer. The celebration of her life will be on the 2nd of October. I'd like to go and offer support to my old friend, but my emotions have been so up and down and all over the place lately, that I'm not even going to try.

Dave's funeral was on the 5th of October last year (I think- my memory of that month isn't very good). His death was such a shock, None of us ever expected to be planning a funeral at that time or for that individual (we do have a few elderly relatives that we live in dread of planning funerals for too).

I worked hard on his funeral. It gave me something to focus on other than the massive hole ripped out of the fabric of our lives. In another world, a lifetime ago, before I was a mother (so I guess that's actually three lifetimes ago), I worked in a field that required planning and implementing events. The funeral was something I could work on fairly confidently (especially since so many people wanted to help).

We are blessed to have some amazing musicians among our friends and family. Dave's cousin Jennifer played and sang a medley of songs that have become an Anderson family funeral tradition. His brother-in-law Ciro sang one of my father-in-laws favorite hymns. Kathy Danner and her best friend Janell Carrol sang a duet of my favorite hymn (Simple Gifts- we also sang it at our wedding).

The pastor was very good at saying what I wanted to hear. It may have been partially because I handed him a written list of what I wanted to hear :-) I'm kind of like that. I forgot to write a time limit on the sheet of paper I handed him- so it was kind of long- but all in all, I received comfort from his message. My requested talking points were: We are saved through grace; We are promised eternal life; and... Love endures. He's a very kind and patient pastor and although it was our first time interacting with him (the previous pastor had just moved) he was amazing.

One of the strangest memories I carry from that day is this: I spoke at my husband's funeral. I really didn't plan to speak. Do you know any widows who've actually gotten up and talked during the funeral? It's kind of weird, yes?

I didn't sleep much that week between his death and the funeral. For some reason, at about 2 in the morning, Brandy and I were looking up something out on the porch and I found something related to Robert Service. Robert Service was one of Dave's all time favorite poets and authors. One of my favorite early memories of my time with Dave happened when we were laying on the ground outside looking at the stars. While cuddled there in the grass he started speaking... and segued right into "The Junior God"

The Junior God- by Robert W. Service

The Junior God looked from his place

In the conning towers of heaven,
And he saw the world through the span of space
Like a giant golf-ball driven.

And because he was bored, as some gods are,
With high celestial mirth,
He clutched the reins of a shooting star,
And he steered it down to earth.

The Junior God, 'mid leaf and bud,
Passed on with a weary air,
Till lo! he came to a pool of mud,
And some hogs were rolling there.

Then in he plunged with gleeful cries,
And down he lay supine;
For they had no mud in paradise,
And they likewise had no swine.

The Junior God forgot himself;
He squelched mud through his toes;
With the careless joy of a wanton boy
His reckless laughter rose.

Till, tired at last, in a brook close by,
He washed off every stain;
Then softly up to the radiant sky
He rose, a god again.

The Junior God now heads the roll
In the list of heaven's peers;
He sits in the House of High Control,
And he regulates the spheres.

Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
If, even in gods divine,
The best and wisest may not be those
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?

It was early in our dating relationship and I hadn't ever heard him recite before. I was quite pleased to find out for sure that he could read :-) He loved that poem because it gently poked fun at self-righteous, holier -than-thou people and hypocrites. It also glorified the pleasure to be found in wallowing in life's unexpected pleasures. I can still see the twinkle in his eye as he approached the ending of the poem.

So... at two in the morning, the morning of the funeral, it seemed like a good idea to make sure someone would read that poem for David. For some insane reason, I felt like it was something I needed to do. Brandy (mrsbroth.blogspot.com) offered to be my back-up and we both carried copies of the poem into the funeral. This deviation from the order of events wasn't in the program. I'm not sure we actually told anyone official that we were planning on doing it- because I wasn't certain that I could actually get up in front of everyone on that day and recite Dave's favorite poem.

Yes, I am the woman who spoke at her own husband's funeral. I'm glad that I could give him that tribute, but there are still some days I can't believe that was me. My goal for the day was to keep the day as upbeat as possible, to celebrate a life well lived, and a man well loved. Dave deserved laughter and stories, not tears and sorrow. I miss him beyond anything I ever could have imagined. Before he was gone I knew I loved him and that we were very happy together, but I didn't realize how entwined we were in each other. For nine years of my life I was excited to be David Anderson's wife- and I used those exact words to tell him- every day for nine years. A year later I'm having a hard time finding the upbeat feeling and laughter that I demanded from myself in the early days. I'm tired and I'm lonely. I miss everything about him (and when I realized I missed scraping thinset out of my washing machine... well, I realized I'd lost my sanity).

Almost a year

2010-09-19T16:37:00.002-06:00

It's been almost a year since Dave died. It's getting harder.

I know that there are lots of other people in the world facing this same sort of tragedy. I know that there are people who's lives are harder than mine. I know that. Don't tell me about it. I'm aware that my life could be worse. That doesn't make this easier. It doesn't make it less difficult. It doesn't make me more whole and less damaged. It doesn't.

Don't tell me how strong I am. I know exactly how strong I am... and how weak I am. Don't tell me that I have to keep going for my children. I know that. It's not like I have a choice whether to keep moving forward or not. Don't tell me the stupid stuff I already KNOW.

Nothing changes the reality that on October 1st of last year our lives, my life, changed forever. Nothing anyone says, no pretty words, no comparisons to other people's lives, changes that Dave isn't here anymore. Sure, we're ok. We have our life here in Nampa, our family, our friends, a nice house to live in, food to eat, things to do, places to go. NONE of that in any way replaces Dave.

I'm tired of trying to look at the positive. Do you know how tiring it is to always be the one looking for the silver lining? Do you know what it's like to smile and tell people you'll be ok, when inside you're screaming with rage? Unless you do- don't tell me how to deal with it. If you cook dinner for your family, do their laundry, dry their tears, clean up after them when they're sick, help them with their school work, and frequently have to make some sort of response to a four year old who repeats, "My dad died," whenever anyone's father is mentioned- then I'd love to hear from you about how you handle your daily life without killing anyone or blowing up like a rocket. If you don't live that life, if your husband still comes home every night, or if you wish your husband didn't come home every night- just shut up or tell me that, "it sucks."

Life isn't horrible. My life didn't end because Dave died. I don't ever wish that it had, but that doesn't change that it isn't the same. I wish that I could say that the blessings we're surrounded by are an ok trade-off, but they're not. I miss my husband. I still love my husband. My kids miss their dad. They still need their dad. Does that ever change? This isn't happy and upbeat- but you know what? Life isn't always happy and upbeat. There isn't always a silver lining. Nothing about now is made better because my husband died. I miss him and I wish I didn't feel compelled to write how badly this hurts- but the reality is, this hurts more now than it did in the months right after he died.

I am...

2010-09-15T18:02:00.003-06:00

a statistical anomaly. That's right. You heard me. A statistical anomaly.

Anomaly (as defined by merriam webster.com):

1. the angular distance of a planet from it's perihelion as seen from the sun.

2. deviation from the common rule: irregularity

3. something anomalous: something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified.

(no comments from the peanut gallery about definition 3, please)

I am:

a 35 year old female (pretty normal so far)

the mother of three boys (a bit unusual, but not abnormal)

the mother of three boys who were born within less than 4 years (not entirely abnormal)

the mother of one and possibly two children who fall on the autism spectrum (looks pretty common in the Treasure Valley)

a widow (fairly unusual at the age of 35)

a quilter (pretty common)

the daughter of a man who died in his thirties (fairly abnormal for our age group)

the widow of a man who died in his thirties (when paired with the previous statistical group- this is peculiar, different and irregular)

ambidexterous (fairly unusual in any age group)

a woman with a chest measurement that varies by seven inches from band to cup size (not entirely unheard of, but not common- go ahead do the math, I'm not posting my bra size here)

an avid reader (more unusual than I like to believe)

a woman who has been pregnant four times, but only has three live children, early term miscarriage (pretty common in our age group)

an animal lover (very common)

an animal lover with two dogs who weigh 73 and 110 pounds, respectively (more unusual, but not peculiar)

an animal lover who in her lifetime has had horses, sheep, rabbits, guinea pigs, an umbrella cockatoo, two cockatiels, a dog, and way too many cats- all at the same time (getting peculiar here)

capable of passing biochemistry, trigonometry, and calculus- and not remembering any of it by the time I'm 35 :-) (you tell me whether that's normal or not)

able to kill an animal in pain (once again- you tell me how normal that is, I think it's normal)

a woman who is really attracted to men with muscular forearms- yep forearms- biceps are nice, but men who actually do work with their bodies- they have muscular forearms.

Who are you? What makes you unique? I think I'm enough of a statistical anomaly that perhaps I should invest my life savings in lottery tickets. Tell me your story and convince me I'm really not likely the be the one in 98070689780--65 who has the winning number :-)

Pillsbury Sweet Rolls Contest

2010-08-31T18:45:00.004-06:00

The other day I received the most amazing package in the mail. It came from Pillsbury and the folks at MyBlogSpark.com. A plain brown box appeared on my doorstep. The children were quite excited. When we opened it--- Oh my goodness! It contained the most amazing delights!

First and foremost- at least if you're a 4 year old- it contained a plush, stuffed Pillsbury Doughboy. He even giggles when you poke him in the stomach or give him a hug. There were two amazing products by Orca- a beautiful blue spatula and a silcone pot holder. Two white dish cloths and a coupon for free Pillsbury Grands Sweet Rolls rounded out the package.

Would you like the opportunity to win a prize package of your own? Who can resist the idea of getting such a fun box of goodness in the mail? Leave a comment at the end of my post telling me your favorite Sunday morning memory. My favorite memory is of my husband cooking breakfast for all of us while I spent luxurious alone time reading in my room :-) Good husbands are worth their weight in gold- and he would have loved being able to put some of the easy rolls on the table with the bacon!

Facebook Page!

If Sunday morning family breakfasts are a special tradition you cherish, then pop some Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls into the oven and let the sweet moments roll in.

In an effort to recapture Sunday mornings as the ideal occasion to reconnect with family and loved ones, Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls is teaming up with Melissa Joan Hart, star of the new ABC Family sitcom "Melissa & Joey," for the My Sweet Sunday Moment contest, where you and your family have a chance to win a seven-day "week of Sundays" vacation to California, including a visit to area theme parks and Melissa Joan Hart´s sweet shop, SweetHarts! Enter today by visiting Pillsbury.com/SweetSunday and telling Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls why your family loves Sunday and why you want more of them for a chance to win.

Treat your family to a "sweet Sunday moment" with the mouth-watering aroma and delicious taste of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls. Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls are a quick and easy addition to any breakfast that the whole family will love - just place and bake!

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My Family

2010-08-11T16:29:00.002-06:00

You hold me together :-)

By now I should've been broken
On the rocks arisin' life's ocean
Just another ship lost at sea
By now I should've been scattered
In the wind of my lonesome travels
Like a thousand dandelion seeds
And I should've come unraveled
At the seams like a well-worn sweater
But you hold me together

My hope should've been shattered
Like a bottle out behind some tavern
From a fight that you had no chance to win
My dream should've been ashes
Gone up in smoke like a book of matches
Tossed away and never gonna burn again
And I should've worn right through
Like an old cowboy's boot leather
But you hold me together

I feel your love surrounding me
Strong enough that I can believe
There won't ever be a storm that I can't weather
'Cause you hold me together
Together, yeah

I feel your love surrounding me
Strong enough that I can believe
There won't ever be a storm that I can't weather
No there'll never be a storm that I can't weather

I should've been long forgotten
Just a footnote down at the bottom
Of a page in the book of what could've beens
My heart should lie in pieces
On the ground like a goodbye letter
But you hold me together

2010-07-22T14:31:00.002-06:00

I have to smile at this song because it reminds me of my sister-in-law saying she's always been scared to pray for strength. I prayed for strength. Pam's right. Don't do it. :-) I'm strong- but if it's the pain that makes you strong, and overcoming fear that gives you courage, well- I'd rather be weak and fearful.

Nightmares

2010-07-22T09:22:00.002-06:00

I had the worst dream last night and I just can't seem to shake it this morning- so I'm going to write about it :-) Luckily, I lost most of my readers when I took a few months off of blogging.

The gist of what happened is that I dreamed Dave left me- without saying anything- just packed up and left. He was gone for a fairly long time (a week, a few weeks- not sure) and didn't contact me at all. The man just flat out ignored me.

Then we were getting ready for a family camping trip and he came to load the Suburban and just acted like everything was normal. But I was so mad at him for leaving me and not telling me why or even giving me a chance to know that there was something wrong before he left.

It makes me wonder if that fear has been lurking in my subconscious all along- or was this just a new twist on nightmares. Either way, the dream is lingering. This is one I'd really like to forget in the usual fashion of forgetting what you dream within a short time after waking.

Interview Evaluations Today

2010-07-19T23:07:00.003-06:00

Golds!!!! Chris was awarded golds on both of his projects. He could have cared less, really. I, however, was stressing- and stressing a lot. Last night I finally took a deep breath and told myself, "he's only eight, how bad can it be?" Still, this morning, I was stressing!

He looked so cute and grown up in his new wranglers and crisp white shirt with blue tie. He very carefully packed his record book into the suburban and then he really didn't care what happened next.

The evaluations took place in an elementary school gym in Caldwell. They were so well organized, I was impressed (and it takes a lot to impress me- I used to be a county 4-H director before I was married). We checked in at the livestock and family consumer sciences tables and then we could go sit in the waiting area or there were an assortment of judging activities around the room for us to participate in. Chris didn't end up having time to judge before his evaluations- they were very prompt.

His first interview was for his Foods of Pacific Northwest project. His evaluator was a special ed teacher and he seemed to enjoy working with her. I'm not sure who did his sheep evaluation but he has a gold sticker on his book- so I guess it went well. He was so matter of fact and ho hum about the afternoon that you'd think this was only as important as a trip to the grocery store. It's amazing to think that he's actually completed two projects and his first year in 4-H. We could skip fair and be finished right now!

Of course, we're not skipping fair. :-) Next Tuesday we weigh-in, and we can hardly wait! Stay tuned for more updates...

:-)

2010-07-18T15:13:00.003-06:00

I am so proud of my son! I haven't paid as much attention to his sheep project as I probably should have. It's been a hard year and I've been dealing with other things (and being lazy) so for the most part I just ask him if he's fed them and checked their water, but I haven't been out there working WITH him and the sheep.

Today he wanted to wash his market lamb for the upcoming fair. It's just a first bath sort of thing. The lamb still needs sheared and then he'll have to be washed before fair (which starts next week) and again right before the show starts. We've discovered over the years that you can never start too soon trying to wash a sheep and get it clean. Plus it helps tame them down if you tie them to the fence and wash them.

As we went outside and he caught the largest lamb I was remembering washing my own 4-H and FFA market lambs. I remember having to be careful about how I tied them so that they wouldn't get loose- and they wouldn't kill themselves when they went wild as the water hit them and then again when I started scrubbing. Those lambs would leap up into the air! They'd spin, twist, shake, if you tied their heads too low they'd even flip over and try to break their own necks. It was a sheep rodeo!

That's what I was expecting. I tied Chris's lamb for him so that it would be very secure and high enough. Then I turned on the water and warned him to stand close to his lamb when the water went over it's back (you know, so the lamb wouldn't end up hurting him when it went crazy).

Silly Mom. That lamb didn't even blink. He just stood there... Chris washed his back, legs, belly, neck, squirted cold water up between his hind legs... and the lamb just stood there.

Chris has obviously been working with his lambs. You don't even have to try to catch them. Just put your hand out and a sheep head appears in your palm. I have no idea why I was worried. He's been spending hours outside and I knew he'd been in the sheep pen every day. I just didn't know how much actual work he'd been doing with the lambs.

The kid is good. He's going to be fine. Maybe he'll forget to switch sides when the judge walks around his lamb. Maybe he'll miss a couple cues to move around the arena because he's not actually looking at the judge... but overall, that kid will be just fine :-) He's amazing! This has been a good learning experience for him- and for me.

Hope springs...

2010-07-17T21:57:00.002-06:00

Today's a new day and things are looking up this evening. Chris and I worked on his record books for half a day and now all that's left are filling in a few details regarding meeting dates and getting his story written down.

Tonight it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't know if the books and interview evaluation were worrying me that much or if it's just my moods cycling again. This morning I was still a little stressed but generally in a good mood. We worked on his books, ate lunch, ran to town to buy a new door knob (because the other one unexpectedly fell apart in my hand), and then I took a nap this afternoon (I have been having a horrible time trying to sleep lately).

When I woke up I was feeling lazy so we ordered pizza and sandwiches from Domino's (you've got to try those sandwiches if you haven't yet. I had habenero chicken and it's amazing). Grandma joined us in the kitchen for a pizza party and the kids drank pop while Grandma and I each had a beer. It was soooo much fun! I haven't laughed and visited like that with the family I live with in a long time. It reminded me how much we enjoy each other. I think that a weekly pizza party (or some kind of party) needs to be fit into the calendar.

Tonight I feel amazing. The overwhelming sense of loss and anxiety is gone (at least for now). Outside the air smells like mint and green, growing things. The sheep are quietly munching. The dogs are asleep by my feet (and they're touching each other and haven't fought in days!!!). My oldest son is watching a movie with me and asking questions about canning jars. My youngest son is in Grandma's room reading stories. The middle child is camping up near Stanley with his Grandpa, uncles, and male cousins (I hope they're having a blast).

Chris is scheduled for his interview evaluations on Monday. The Snake River Stampede starts on Tuesday. We work the Stampede on Saturday evening, selling concessions for the county 4-H program (I have to add a note that this is the most amazing and generous gift from the rodeo to the 4-H program. We usually make a ton of money and it's all due to the generosity of the rodeo board and the hard work of our county 4-H members and volunteers). Next Monday we begin setting up for fair- and it's all a blur for the rest of that week!

I've been stressing so much, and now it seems that the stress is ending and the fun is about to begin. I pray (truly) that things are going to be as good as they seem. What a life we lead! We are so lucky to live where we do, surrounded by friends and family and in a community of people who care about us and forgive us when we're a bit off our game. :-) I'm so in love with my friends and family at the moment they probably wouldn't believe it if I told them! If any of you are reading this- thanks for being you and putting up with me! I love you all!

There will come a day...

2010-07-15T23:12:00.002-06:00

I so badly hope there will come a day when I can look into the part of me that houses memories of Dave and it won't be like looking into a black hole. It's scary, painful, intensely compelling, and swamps me with emotion when I look into that place. In some ways it reminds me of looking down into the Malad Gorge. The compulsion that pulls at you to fall into space, allow yourself to be swept along in the current of the river at the bottom. This past month has been like traveling along the edge of the gorge for miles and miles. Every day traveling the distance and never leaving the rim.

I've avoided looking into the abyss in the months since Dave died. It was too painful and honestly I just couldn't bear the emotion. The days pass fairly peacefully around here. I can keep us all occupied- heck, fair is coming, we're more than occupied. I focus on the moment and truly do feel peaceful and content most of the time.

That black hole is waiting under my bed. Inside my closet. In the dark surrounding the house. In the quiet moments and the lonely moments. No matter where I go the black hole is hidden, just at the edge of my vision. If I'm careful not to look at it, I can pretend it isn't there. But it's there. I know it. You know it. The kids and the dogs know it.

I'd love to start dating again. In many ways I feel ready to date again. I loved being a wife. It was my dream job :-) I loved pretty much everything about being married. Losing Dave was like being fired from that perfect employment. Of course our marriage wasn't perfect. We aren't perfect. We had our struggles just like most couples do- but we really enjoyed our time together. There's no one I'd rather spend time with than my husband and kids. We had so much fun together and were so comfortable together.

Everything starts to feel very normal and I think I am back to being myself. Then something happens that reminds me I'm not. I'm still injured, still not totally whole, still not totally Janet as Janet should (and will) be. I can read now, which I couldn't for a few months after Dave died- I just didn't have the concentration and short term memory to make it work. I can watch tv programs- as long as I don't walk away in the middle- if I walk away I forget what I'm watching. My short term memory is kind of back. I'm not as likely anymore to forget appointments and conversations I've had. But- it's still not totally right.

There's nothing I want more than to be a normal, whole, healthy, happy individual. I miss being healthy. Physically I seem to have recovered- haven't had anything since March, even though I was ill the entire fall, winter, and most of the spring. Mentally- well the jury's still out on that one. I'd have to say that my actions and reactions still aren't as healthy as I'd like them to be. Adding the stress of a relationship to my life- oh my goodness! I am capable of a major freak out! That's news to me. Totally unexpected.

So, here are the questions of the moment: Does the freak out occur because I'm just not ready? Is it too soon? Am I going to be this weird for the rest of my life? Will waiting longer prevent me from freaking out when I start a relationship with someone new? Or, will the first relationship cause me to have to deal with everything all over again- regardless of when that first relationship takes place?

I'm so frustrated with myself and with life in general at the moment. Anyone who has insight or ideas for me- I'd welcome them. :-) By nature I'm an insomniac and having all these conflicting thoughts and emotions whirling around inside my head is NOT helping. I just want healthy and normal (normal for me). How do I attain that?

2010-07-12T17:09:00.003-06:00

Some days more than others I feel Dave with us. My life is moving forward and I was so blessed with the years we spent together. I think he's still here in a lot of ways. :-) There's one ghost I'll always be happy to welcome into my home!

By Skip Ewing and Donny Kees

Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again
And it's like, you haven't been

Gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time
Were pulling you, and me

And with all my heart, I'm sure
We're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see
I've got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here, when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends, if I'm right

Our love can even reach, across-
Eternity.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer
If I can..

Oh, the ppl who don't see the most
See that I, believe in ghosts
If that makes me crazy, then I am
Cuz I believe.. ohh, I believe..

There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again..
And I believe..

A song for the new week

2010-07-11T09:10:00.004-06:00

"You'll know just the moment when I've had enough. Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough... but I'll stand back up!"

It's been a rocky month and I've been fighting anxiety for weeks now. I hate the anxiety. It wasn't there before Dave died. After Dave died I kept having panic attacks. They don't feel anything like I thought a panic attack would feel. I thought they were about being scared. They really feel like someone just shot you full of adrenaline. It's hard to breathe, my heart pounds, I start to shake, my concentration is shot, my vision is affected, and my body generally goes into fight or flight mode. This is highly disturbing when it happens and I'll reach out to anyone, anywhere, whoever can help me the fastest... just to distract me and keep me from totally freaking until the adrenaline rush is past.

I haven't had a really large panic attack since early January. In fact, the past few months have been pretty peaceful except around holidays. Holidays really are hard, and I tend to be moody and irritable, but they don't usually make me panic.

This month was something different. The anxiety came back like it was in December and January. There are a lot of things going on in June and July. I'm assuming that might have something to do with the anxiety. Fair is coming up, and it's always a stressful time- even when Dave was alive. We've celebrated several birthdays (including Dave's) and there have been quite a few "family" events. It's always bittersweet watching other families. I love my family and I'm very content with what we are- but I still have trouble being quite so complacent about not having Dave with us.

The anxiety kept building and building and I kept trying to defuse it. Something bothering me? I tackled it. Something needed to be done? I tried doing it. Someone confusing me? I tried asking for clarity. It didn't help. I did accomplish a lot of things that I just needed to get accomplished- but it didn't make the anxiety dissipate.

I try not to dwell on the panic attacks. That means I don't usually do a lot of reflecting about them once they're finished. I forgot that every time one's happened in the past it actually was a time of healing. I try so hard to suppress them- because I hate feeling weak- but they really do mark progress and healing. Maybe it's my body's way of breaking through mental/emotional barriers that I wouldn't tackle quickly otherwise.

On Friday I had a doozy- right before the party I'd been planning for weeks. Strangely, I don't think the party had anything to do with the stress and anxiety I was feeling. In hindsight I'm glad that the attack happened when it did because it meant there were a lot of people around me fairly fast. At the time, I thought the timing sucked! Today I'm thankful for the timing... and for the friends who made the evening so much fun.

Once again the panic attack seems to have marked forward movement in my journey. I will never say that I'm thankful for the panic or that I enjoy it's affects- but I can say that maybe next time I won't fight quite so hard to stave it off. They hover out there, just out of reach, until I break down and can't breathe. Once I've been through the worst I'm exhausted but the next day I feel fabulous. It's the strangest cycle I've ever been part of. In all actuality I will fight the next one just as hard as I've fought to prevent every panic attack.

So, after weeks of living with a horrible anxious, insecure version of me (I really don't like her- she should take her toys and go somewhere else), today I am ready to say, "I'll stand back up!"

Breathe, just breathe...

2010-07-11T09:10:00.001-06:00

Children and their questions

2010-07-06T16:26:00.005-06:00

Today a new widow on facebook shared the following status update:

Katie asked - Will I die from a germ? Chloe keeps asking why Daddy isnt coming home.

I remember those questions. My boys worried about their hearts "blowing up" and they worried next that I would die. They asked if they were going to grow up to be old men. Jake asked when his Dad was coming home. Sam worried that Grandpa and Uncle Andy were going to have heart attacks. Chris just keeps asking WHY his dad died.

It's hard. It's so hard. Losing your spouse feels as if your soul has been torn. Dealing with the grief and anxiety your children are feeling is like having the heart ripped out of your chest in addition to the damage to your spirit.

There are no good answers. You really can't promise them long, healthy lives. Oh, I WANT TO! There is nothing I'd love more than to be able to guarantee that for my children. In all honesty I can't tell them that they will live as long or longer than their father. I also can't promise that I'll never die. I can't promise them their future spouses and children will outlive them.

Here's how we handled (and still handle) these questions. I wear Dave's wedding ring on a necklace. When they ask questions that have no good answers I remind them that life and love are both symbolized by that ring. Although our physical bodies have a birth date and a death date our spirits do not. Our spirits live forever with God. Love, like our spirits is not limited by the physical bodies that house us. LIfe and love are both eternal, no beginning and no ending- just like the circle formed by the plain gold band on my necklace.

This is the promise I make to my babies, "I will love you FOREVER. Your dad loves you FOREVER. God loves you FOREVER. Someday we'll meet again. For now KNOW that YOU ARE LOVED!"

The Dance

2010-07-04T17:48:00.003-06:00

"Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music." ~ Ronald Reagan

Finished with the crying for today, now on to the living. Happy Independence Day!

Holidays are the worst...

2010-07-04T13:46:00.004-06:00

I thought today would be ok. June was an anxious month with Dave's birthday, Father's Day, and Sam's birthday all happening within a couple weeks of each other. I made it through June and really thought today would be fine.

My best friend is here (staying with her parents) with her family visiting over the holiday. We're headed over there for dinner and fireworks this evening. I'm still looking forward to it. Last night was just fine, anticipation of seeing my adopted family (we've been friends so long her family feels like my family), planning the food I'm making for the event (macaroni salad and banana dessert), thinking about another friend of ours who is flying out to visit while Amy and I are both here... I went to bed happy and expected to wake up just as happy.

As the day progresses I am feeling more and more sense of loss. The special summer potluck foods (we tend to usually bring some variation of the same theme) make me think of Dave and how much he enjoyed those dishes. I remember arguing with him about whether or not there should be eggs in the salad (I hate hard boiled eggs). I remember his pride in me and what I could do- because oddly he loved sharing my cooking with others. I remember him playing with the boys outside while I would cook in the kitchen- the sound of laughter drifting in the window.

I remember him always spending way more money on fireworks than I thought was necessary, lighting fireworks in the driveway while our kids hid in the house. My husband was a pyro- I can still picture the joy on his face as he lit the fuses. We'd put the kids to bed once our fireworks were finished and then we'd sit outside and watch all the illegal fireworks going up around us. Oh, and I remember a couple of very memorable 4th of July parties in the years before we married. We loved this holiday!

It surprises me every time a day spins out of my control like this one has. "Choose happiness," is my motto for the year- because you can choose whether to be happy or miserable. It's not your circumstances that dictate your outlook on life. However; I can't choose not to be sad. Some days it just hits- like today. I can't choose to avoid noticing the large hole left in our family.

My hope is that if I stop and take a moment to accept the grief I will be able to move past it tomorrow. This has happened often enough that I've seen the pattern: Grief hits like a truck one day, cry and grieve and drink a bit- then- the next day is actually better than the week before. It's as if I have to stop and cry and acknowledge the loss before I can go back to being my normal self.

:-) I live in anticipation of the holidays when I don't have to stop and have a little breakdown.

Just a reminder...

2010-07-03T13:37:00.001-06:00

Today we live in one of the most free countries in the world. Many have fought and died for the ideals expressed in this simple letter. We read the Declaration of Independence in school but then many of us never read it again. Please take a moment this weekend and read the Declaration out loud to your family.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such disolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Nine months later...

2010-06-29T21:40:00.009-06:00

Tonight I talked with a lovely young women introduced to me by my cousin LaDonna. We have a lot in common. She's a young mom of two beautiful children. Intelligent, charming, funny- and a new widow. Chatting with her tonight took me back to the week after Dave died (tomorrow it will be a week since her husband died).

I remembered Amy giving me a hard time for sounding just like the flight attendant on her flight to Boise. Everything anyone said I responded to by saying, "thank you." Thankfully Amy pointed out that I was sounding a bit false so I added, "that's so kind of you," in random rotation with "thank you." It was at least two weeks before I really used any other words with people other than very close friends or immediate family.

There was such ugliness inside me. I'd never felt that depth of ugliness before. "Until It Sleeps," was such a relief when I found it. It said what I couldn't say... because that was inside me. I smiled and thanked people and tried to look strong... but inside I was ugly. and mean. and I really didn't like people. and I REALLY was fighting a battle not to snap at people who said really stupid things (like comparing one person's depth of grief over the event to any other person's).

I'm not the first widow among my friends and I'm sure that I won't be the last. It was the other widows that helped me stay sane. They're the ones who told me I wasn't crazy when I had some strange, unexpected reaction to a word, a song, an event. One of the best things to come from the whole mess was renewing a friendship with an old friend from high school. When other people say, "I'd never feel like that if my spouse died," she says, "Oh yeah, that's rough." It's hard to predict what you will or will not do, what you will or will not say, and how you will or will not feel. I sincerely hope very few people will ever truly understand what it feels like to lose your love to death. Thank God there are others though. We should start a club.

It's been about nine months now and I'm pleased to say that I just listened to, "Until It Sleeps," and don't feel any sense of recognition anymore. It doesn't speak to me today. Of course there are still hard days. There are days when I'm a raging bitch because the sense of loss is so strong. Holidays are pretty much guaranteed to send me over the edge. I still don't do alone well- but I CAN do it.

My life is good. It's different, but good. I'll never forget Dave and I'll always grieve for him, but the grief is starting to mellow. It's not that sharp, peeled skin feeling it used to be. Now it's more like a scar that aches when you touch it. I smile when I think of the man I loved and married. I remember him playing with his children and the deep love he showed to them and to me. It feels good to think about and remember him now. In the beginning it just hurt beyond belief. Today I love what we had and love remembering the life we shared.

Here's my song for today- much more applicable to this stage of my life.

Spring Chores

2010-05-27T11:33:00.002-06:00

It's a beautiful rainy day here. I should be working in the garden and flowerbeds but I'm declaring it a rain day and postponing until the weekend :-)

Chris got his market lambs the Monday before last. In our usual fashion we brought them home the day before weigh-in. There's nothing like the last minute for getting things done! He purchased the lambs from Ken and Claudia Brush. Claudia is our sheep leader and it's very convenient that she happens to raise some gorgeous lambs. I'm pretty impressed with the three we purchased.

The largest lamb weighed in at 92 pounds. I think he's going to be the one we keep to fill our freezer. The lamb that will probably sell at the Canyon County Fair weighed 82 pounds. Chris's smallest lamb is destined to sell at the Western Idaho Fair in Boise. He weighed 69 pounds.

It always surprises me when my kids do something that I'm pretty certain they don't have the skills and ability to accomplish yet. Then I feel bad for underestimating them. Chris's lambs are totally wild. Well, they've been worked in a bunch before we bought them, but no halter training or real effort to tame them (since they're from a fair sized sheep operation). When we went to weigh-in on Tuesday Chris led the largest lamb. That lamb weighs more than Chris does... and he doesn't lead. Chris not only managed not to lose his lamb, he actually got him through the line and over the scale. I am so impressed :-)

The little boys and I led the other lamb. That was an experience, let me tell you! I spent more time trying to keep the lamb from jumping over the top of Jake than I did moving it forward. Jake has a real knack for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sam has this amazing gift for working with animals. He finally took the smaller of the two lambs we took to Caldwell and worked with it while I dealt with Jake. He helped me load the lambs in the trailer at home, unload them at the fairgrounds, took the smaller lamb across the scale, carefully watched while Trey wormed the lambs, and then raced to beat us all to the trailer in order to open the door so we could load the lambs. He waited for me to get the lambs loaded and then carefully closed the trailer door and on his way to the Suburban I noticed he checked our electrical connection and the safety chains. :-) I love that boy! He's so funny for a five year old.

After much deliberation Chris and I decided he should use a texturized, pelleted ration for his lambs this year. We don't have much pasture (because I haven't dug out the ditch through the four properties between us and the weir in order to irrigate) so I need to invest in some hay for roughage. Chris is going to be operating at a loss this year unless he makes some crazy money come sale time.

So far his expenses are:

$79.99 water tank

$85.00 x 3 for the lambs

$10.79 x 2 for feed

$16.00 halter and lead (luckily we found 2 more in the barn at mom's house)

$1.50 air to fill trailer tires

We'll need to buy quite a bit more of the pellets and hay before we reach the end of the project so I'm anticipating he'll be in the red by the end of the project. However, we'll have a lot of the equipment already purchased when he begins next year's project so he should make a profit every year after this one (barring unforeseen events).

It's exciting to watch the kids learn and grow. I am so proud of all three boys as they begin learning about something totally new to them!

We are still here...

2010-04-18T13:22:00.003-06:00

The weather has been beautiful this week so we drove up towards Silver City on Thursday. That's a right of passage every child in the Treasure Valley has to experience at some point. The beginning of the road has a sign telling you that the road in is narrow, winding, and unpaved. It tells you that you won't make it in a big truck or with a long trailer. Then you go a bit farther and see a couple turn our areas... and then... you reach the sign that says something to the effect of, "If you proceed past this point you will be responsible for your own search and rescue expenses." Um... Chris did NOT think that was funny.

We did proceed past that point (despite some very vocal back seat driver telling me not to). The road really doesn't open until June 1st so we didn't expect to reach Silver City-just to see how close we could get. A few miles past the sign the slush got too deep and unpredictable to continue (and the back seat driver may have been threatened with severe, painful punishment if he didn't shut his mouth). We turned around and came home. First stop in town was at the car wash- when we stopped on the way back out of the mountains to go potty we realized there was no way in or out of the Suburban that wouldn't get you filthy dirty. We looked like we'd been four wheeling! Well, we did put the Suburban in 4WD, so maybe, technically we were four wheeling.

We stopped at a big sand pit near the road and the kids went out and climbed the sand mounds (huge sand mounds) and chased lizards for a while. It was a wonderful afternoon! I just wish I'd brought my camera. Next time I'll try to remember it and then post some pictures.

Please Vote!

2010-04-13T23:49:00.004-06:00

http://www.diplomaframe.com/entries/5942_lockwood.cfm

Please vote for my cousin's scholarship entry! Check out the rest of the very talented offerings while you're there!

2010-01-04T16:20:00.001-07:00

2010-01-04T15:41:00.004-07:00

Have you ever been really sick for what seems like a really long time? You just want your body to get back to normal. When you can stand up without falling over again you think, "Oh, yes! I'm better!" and then try to get back to life like normal. Shortly into getting back to your normal life you realize that you're still sick. You just can just manage to leave your bed today. Going to work is probably still not an option because you get shaky walking to the bathroom. Every little bit of progress gives you hope that today is the day, this is the moment, when you're healthy and whole again. Unfortunately, it takes more than one day, more than one moment, to regain your health.

Grief is like that. When the crying mostly stops and the funeral is over you think to yourself, "Whew! The worst is over!" and you expect life to move forward and the grief to stop. So, you move on and expect to get right back to work and to pick up life as usual. Shortly into resuming normal life you realize that just like the days where you're well enough to get out of bed when you have the flu, today is not the day your life is once again normal.

Every time you have what almost approaches for a normal moment you once again hope that today is the day, this is the moment, when the grief stops. Someone compared grief to waves that crash and recede. This is more accurate. It doesn't just start and stop all at once. The worst isn't over when the funeral procession disburses. Grief builds over time- it gets worse before it gets better and the worst isn't what you feel at the beginning.

Shock is what you feel in the beginning. It protects, insulates, you from the grief. Even when you think you're fully in control of yourself and your emotions, the emotions you're feeling are blunted. If they weren't we probably wouldn't survive them.

As the shock wears off you feel more of the brunt of the emotions your body's been protecting you from. Because it happens gradually you build up walls that allow you deal with the emotion without going over into the abyss. I liken it to encapsulating the feelings inside a hard shell- kind of like an abscess (romantic image, isn't it?).

Yet, every day you hope that it will be better, you will be better. Until one day (or so I'm told) you really are yourself again and can move without the weight of your emotions crippling you.

End of another year

2009-12-30T14:47:00.003-07:00

It's hard to believe that we're a whole year older than we were this time last year :-) Looking back was hard for me this time. I go back to October and then kind of get stuck there. However, there were 9 really good months that occurred before the events of October 1st.

Sam turned five in June. Jake turned 4 in October. Chris turned eight in November. The boys are growing and thriving. Chris is making progress with reading and writing. He's still behind but we have an appointment with a developmental ophthalmologist in January. She'll be able to tell us if his eyes are tracking correctly or if we're dealing with another fine motor delay affecting something most of us take for granted.

Sam is talking a lot :-) It seems like I've been waiting forever to hear him voice his opinions and thoughts. He's still not a very clear speaker, but it's a relief to be able to converse with him.

Jake's having the most trouble dealing with Dave's loss. He doesn't like to go to bed by himself so he's been driving his brother's crazy trying to make them have "sleepovers" every night. I understand where he's coming from but I'm a bit worried that if I let him sleep with me on a regular basis it will make it even more difficult for both of us later. You just can't sleep with your mommy for your entire childhood.

We had a magnificent garden this summer. Dave made five new grow box frames for us. They made all the difference in the world. It was much easier weeding and watering in the grow boxes. We had sand delivered and worked it into our lovely heavy clay soil which made the plants much happier than they have been in past years. Sam and his dad planted pumpkins and melons all over the pasture. Chris had his own, interestingly arranged grow box. I planted 16 tomato plants and 12 bell peppers. We also made an herb bed this year. Next year I'd like to add at least three more boxes. We harvested all the squash and the last of the tomatoes the night before Dave died. It's as if summer ended and winter entered all in one fell swoop.

4-H went well this year. We had kids from 3 clubs working in rabbits and cavies together. It's always a better learning experience when you have greater diversity and a range of ages within the project. I am so proud of all of my kids! They had an awesome year and I enjoyed working with each and every one of them!

This was my first year leading cake decorating. It was thrilling (truly) to be able to teach something that I hadn't already led for years and years. I think I'm a much better leader when I'm challenged to provide new experiences and learn new skills. Katelyn and Chris were the only kids in the project and so we were pretty relaxed. I always enjoy working with both of them. Kate's taken rabbits with us for three years or so now. She's one of my favorite kids!

Next year I'm branching out in new directions. Leading cake decorating reassured me that my decision to move away from leading in the small animal projects was a good choice. I really am not as good a leader as I used to be. It's time for someone new and excited about the project to lead. Amanda Jo, thank you and best wishes for the upcoming year! I'll be co-leading in the sheep project. Luckily the sheep leader is very experienced because it's been years since I've worked with a large livestock project. Chris is ready for a market lamb and we're not taking rabbits this year to fair (hooray!). I also agreed to lead Vet Science and do Cake Decorating again. I'm hoping that my brain turns back on in time for me to do a good job for the members in my projects. Please, have patience with me guys :-)

Homeschool has been a blessing beyond my ability to convey with words. We've had an awesome year and enjoyed almost every minute of it. In January we had the opportunity to join a co-op in Boise and God must have smiled on us that day because I don't know what we would have done this year without those wonderful families. I've learned so much from the other moms in the group. Amazingly, not even half of what I've learned has to do with education :-) My kids love going and learning with the other kids. Experiencing other teaching styles and exploring subjects that we may not have chosen to cover on our own is so good for them! When Dave died the families in our co-op brought us flowers, food, and companionship. They took care of my kids when I couldn't and let me vent when I needed too. TEACH provides us with a sense of community that makes it easier to get through the weeks.

Another blessing that coincided with our TEACH experience is getting to spend a bit more time with my cousin La Donna. We haven't seen or talked to each other in years. I don't know what I would have done without her when Dave died either. She covered my classes for several weeks and drove my kids to co-op. She helped them maintain what little normalcy we had during the first few weeks. We've also enjoyed getting to know Jojo and Belle better. My kids are a bit surprised to find out that I have cousins. I have tons of cousins, just not many that live close or have children the age of mine. It's been an exciting development for my little family.

My Grandmother Loucks passed away in August which was an occasion for some weeping but also joy in renewing relationships with parts of our family we haven't seen in a long time. La Donna made sure we knew when everything was happening and kept us up to date as events occured. Once again- so thankful to have spent more time with her this year :-)

Other than the obvious exceptions it's been a good year. We've grown and changed (mostly for the better). Somehow the years seem to speed up the older I get. I'm not sure how that happens, maybe it's a time warp or something.

2009-12-25T17:30:00.002-07:00

For the record- Xanax and tequila work quite well together :-) It doesn't take much tequila and the resulting mellowness seems to last well into the next day. I've even been sleeping!!! Now I'm wishing I'd given in and tried tequila or scotch much sooner. One shot in an evening and the world looks much brighter the next day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Phhhhllllltttttt....

2009-12-24T13:36:00.002-07:00

My poor neglected blog. I've left you alone far too long, but I'm just not sure what to say anymore. I have a hard time saying what I'm really thinking where the people I care about can read it. It's much easier to talk to people I don't know as well.

Today is hard. It's much harder than I ever imagined it could be. I miss my husband. I don't want to set up for tomorrow by myself. In fact it is such an incredibly unpleasant idea that I'd rather skip Christmas all together. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up until after Christmas- that would be fine with me.

Dave and I always did the holiday preparations together. I would sew and make gifts. He would watch the kids so that I could sew and make gifts. This year people will not be getting handmade gifts. I probably could have made them, but my heart just wasn't in it.

In a lot of ways it feels like I've gone back in time. Unfortunately the time period I've apparently chosen to visit is my teenage years. I didn't like being a teenager the first time I was there. I like it less now. Hormones, mood swings, self centered, generally unpleasant- yep, that's me. I don't like the way I feel right now. I don't like it at all.

On Christmas Eve Dave and I would always get everything ready for Christmas Day. We'd stay up late making sure everything was just right and then we'd fall in bed together to celebrate another good year. All of our years were good ones. We had so much fun together!

I feel like my soul's been ripped. It's injured and aching. Every day I wake up and try to be the best mommy I can be. Some days that mommy's not a particularly good one. It's hard being around people, even my own children. I'd love to travel to the ends of the earth and get away from people for a while. Of course, if I'm alone then I still tend to panic. I have some poor, abused facebook friends who can attest to that. I want to be alone, but I can't actually tolerate being alone.

It's Christmas, and we're all supposed to be happy. I find myself wondering how early is too early to start drinking tequila. Don't worry- I don't usually drink, it's not as if I'm falling into alcoholic oblivion. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I love my children and want the best for them. Me, present and accountable is the best I can provide.

They seem to be doing much better than I am. Of course, if you asked people around me I'm sure they'd tell you that I'm doing better than expected too. It's much easier to hide what you're feeling than it is to share it. If you ask me how I'm doing I'm going to tell you "fine."

Hopefully, sometime between now and tomorrow morning I'll have a revelation that will make the holiday better. Something will happen that will renew my faith and feed my soul. Until then, tequila sounds very, very good :-)

If I were dating...

2009-12-07T14:05:00.011-07:00

A friend and I were talking last night about the qualities we'd look for in a man if we were dating. She's young and has never been married. I'm not so young and was married for nine years. Neither one of us is looking at the moment, but if we were- what traits appeal and which really, really don't?

So, in no particular order, here are the traits I find attractive in a man:

Intelligence

Honesty

Good Sense of Humor

Ability to admit mistakes- and then deal with them

Self-Sufficiency

Love of the outdoors

Faith- you don't have to believe exactly the same things I do, but you'd better believe something

Monogamy

Love of learning- not necessarily formal education, just learn things regularly

Belief in the importance of family

Ability to learn anything you need to learn

Ability to shoot someone or something if the situation warrants it

Ability to remain calm during an emergency

Love and defense of liberty

Responsibility

Sense of adventure

Enjoyment of life's simple pleasures

And the deal breakers:

Hands softer than mine (and mine aren't that rough)

Inability to change your own oil- I pay to change mine, you can too- but for heaven's sake don't pay for it just because you're not capable of changing it

Dishonesty

Stupidity- everyone makes mistakes but the ignorant can be educated

Not getting my sense of humor- absolute deal breaker :-)

Dislike of animals and/or children

Being grossed out by blood and other bodily fluids/functions- If I can clean it up, bandage it, or otherwise deal with it- you'd better be able to as well

Lack of mechanical skills- If I'm better at mechanical things than you are I probably won't find that a turn on.

Inability to be flexible- also not a turn on.

Inability to laugh at yourself- see previous disqualifications.

Unwillingness to continue looking for new educational experiences

Lack of interest in nature

Lack of knowledge about nature

Lack of understanding of basic scientific principles

Lack of understanding of basic logic and reasoning

Spending more time on your hair than I do- In my experience this means I'm really, really not your type.

I'm sure that given time and contemplation both lists will get longer. But for now... It'll have to do. I'm really not looking- just jotting my thoughts down before they leave my head never to be heard from again. Of course there are a slew of other traits that I find attractive or unattractive but I can be more flexible in those areas. In the past I would have said that I am attracted to tall, dark haired, dark eyed men. Of the three men I've spent any real time dating one was almost 6' tall, brown haired and hazel eyed. The other two were shorter, blond, and blue eyed. I thought Dave was pretty cute and he was blond, blue-eyed, and average height so it just goes to show- there are absolute must haves and must not haves, everything else is just stuff :-)

Bad Tempered

2009-11-25T11:43:00.002-07:00

I realize this is the season for giving thanks, and I am thankful. There are many things in my life for which I am thankful: health for myself and my children, lovely weather, the beautiful country surrounding us, good friends and family, our very good dog, cute kittens, children learning to be independent, plentiful food, clean drinking water, shelter, and so much more.

However, my temper is very short and I'm having a hard time controlling it.

I just want to have a nice holiday. Really, I care about the family and friends we've invited- or else we would not have invited them. But I just want my holiday, my way. Yes, it's selfish. No, I don't care. Next year I'll care. This year I don't. I don't want to do things your way. I don't want to compromise. Maybe I'll regret it later. But today, to quote my son, "I want to do it the way I want."

Everything I treasure about the holidays has been turned upside down. I do not want help making pie. I do not want to go to someone else's house and let them do all the work. I do not want to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the early afternoon. I just don't want to do it. I want to return to my traditions. I want to immerse myself in the parts of the holiday that I still have some control over and enjoy.

This is not fun. I do not want to be where I am today. I do not like being a single parent. I do not like it at all. I do not like sympathy. I do not like being treated like I'm fragile (or explosive). I do not really like it when anyone acknowledges that this is a hard time for me. But- I do want to do the holidays my way. I want some control over the changes we have to live through.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel bad for being unwilling to compromise. I realize that the people in my life are really trying to help and make things easier for me... and I appreciate them for trying. What remains, is my desire to grab onto the holiday traditions I used to have. I love cooking and entertaining. I love having people over. I love setting a pretty table. This I can do, and I'm thankful that my friends and family are nice enough to let me do my thing and hopefully not get too frustrated with me.

The Soft Goodbye

2009-11-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

I need a vacation

2009-11-19T15:11:00.002-07:00

I am tired. Not, "stayed up too late last night," tired. Tired like, "getting four hours of sleep (or less) every night for the past 42 days and sleeping 16 hours total in the week prior to that. I would really like to sleep but four hours seems to be my waking point. This would be ok if I could take a nap during the day- but I'm not allowed. I've tried it. It never works. Someone needs me every five minutes. In the end I am frustrated, but not rested.

Yes, I've been encouraged to try sleeping aids. I have tried them. Four hours, yes, four hours. After four hours my mind turns back on and my body hurts. Ah yes, I forgot about the body aches that usually had me waking up at the four hour point. Only now, I can't get back to sleep after I get up and move around- and at 2 or 3 in the morning I can't take anything to put me back to sleep either.

Let's not forget that Jake wakes up about four and comes into my bed because he, "has a hard time sleeping." I understand the problem, trust me- I understand it. The fact remains, we need more sleep over here. I would also welcome someone taking the boys for an overnighter so that I can actually relax for a little while without having to fix food, do laundry, kiss hurts, run baths, and take care of the myriad little details that fill our days. But- no one is going to do that. You see, it's been almost two months since my husband died and in the eyes of the world- we are healed and no longer need assistance. I couldn't accept assistance after the first week because we needed to be able to stand on our own. That kind of screwed me- because now I am exhausted, bone deep exhausted.

2009-11-04T13:14:00.001-07:00

The next chapter...

2009-11-03T19:06:00.002-07:00

This has been a good week. I finally took some time off (we've been running a lot lately) in order to focus on resting and letting my body heal. I've been sick since the 2nd of October- straight through, no break. It started with a little cough, and I've been coughing and blowing my nose ever since. This week, and last weekend, I took it easy. We stayed home (for the most part) and worked on school, watched tv, listened to music, played a little music, played with the dog and kittens, and generally acted like lazy bums. When Dave died I wanted to be anywhere but home. Things look so normal here but everything had changed. Now we're moving into a new kind of normal.

News flash: I did not die. I know, that seems pretty obvious- but it takes a while for your body and mind to come to terms with a major loss. For several weeks my body didn't really register sensation, like hot/cold, pain/pleasure, hunger, etc. I think it took about three weeks for the physical shock to wear off. When I was alone my body would panic (it usually took my brain a while to figure out why things felt so weird). I am a fan of Xanax. It's good stuff. I haven't taken any this week (not since last Thursday, I believe) and things seem to be going fine without it.

Everything is different, and yet, some things are still the same. We still homeschool. I'm still teaching a class about bugs for our homeschool co-op (although I've definately not been as good a teacher the past few weeks). We're still involved in 4-H. I'm still leading cake decorating, vet science and sheep (co-leading sheep). Chris is still looking forward to getting a lamb this spring. Sam is in love with our litter of kittens. Zowie is in love with our litter of kittens. Jake is goofy, goofy and runs around the house pretending to be Buzz Lightyear and flying.

Every morning we get up and the world is still turning. The sun is shining. The weather here has been beautiful! We've been blessed in so many ways. I can hardly wait to see what happens in the next chapter of our lives.

The Ride

2009-10-18T13:28:00.002-06:00

Sit tall in the saddle, hold your head up high, keep your eyes fixed where the trail meets the sky. Live like you ain't afraid to die, and don't be scared- just enjoy your ride.

2009-10-14T18:24:00.000-06:00

Repost from August 2006

2009-10-13T23:17:00.001-06:00

SATURDAY, AUGUST 26, 2006

The Importance of Men

Too often lately the importance of men in our lives seems to be marginalized. Yes, it is possible to support yourself and raise children without the presence of a husband, but it's not ideal. It's not ideal for you and it's not ideal for your children.

My father died when I was very young. My mother didn't have a choice when it came to being a single parent. She made good sound choices regarding her personal life before she planned on becoming a parent (yes, I was planned.... scary thought isn't it?). The hand Fate dealt her changed her options. Once my father was gone she had to think very carefully before choosing to introduce new men into my life.

I am thankful every day for my husband. It scares me sometimes to think how little control I have over whether he will live to be an old man and share my entire life with me. He is not home for very many of the boys' waking hours during the week since he leaves early every morning to work and support us in the grand manner we've become accustomed to (hard to convince little boys they don't want to eat). On the weekends it's hard to get him to leave the house. Sometimes this is a little frustrating since I'm here at home the entire flipping week. Wouldn't it be more fun to leave home and go somewhere? Anywhere? Maybe watch paint peel on the old downtown buildings? Seriously though, aren't I lucky he wants to spend as much of his time as he can with his family?

Sam is so upset these days if Dave leaves for work before Sam wakes up. How dare Daddy leave him all alone with this chopped liver person he calls Mommy? His little eyes just light up when Dave's home weekend mornings and all the kids pile into bed with us. Chris waits to tell me everything that happened at school until his dad gets home. It doesn't matter how many questions I ask, there's always something he's held back specially to tell Dad. Jake will lay across my lap while I'm trying to nurse him (after he's followed me around the house for 10 minutes making "feed me" noises) and watch his father (while biting me!) if Dave walks into the house before I'm finished nursing the little booger.

As for myself, I would go insane if I were all alone raising 3 boys without the love and support (and midnight baby wrangling) I get from my husband. I can't imagine why anyone would choose to become a single parent. What deluded soul would imagine that childrearing, so intensive for those of us in a strong relationship, would be such an easy thing to manage all alone and around full time employment. There wouldn't even be someone taking turns cooking dinner or picking children up from daycare. I understand the strong feeling of need that comes when you want a baby. I think children feel that same level of need when it comes having two parents.

2009-10-13T13:45:00.000-06:00

Oh, God is good to me...

2009-10-07T20:37:00.006-06:00

One of the things that makes me maddest, of all the stupid things people say, is the belief that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. A former friend of ours was heard to say, "Well, what did you expect?" when he heard the news. We're not good enough for him. He went back to the LDS church, Dave did not. Tonight on Brandy's blog a well meaning commenter said a few things that I'd like to take issue with.

What many of you don't know about me is that when I began college I was firmly on the fence between being an agnostic and an atheist. Some of the doubts raised by this commenter were doubts I lived with on a daily basis.

My father died when I was 22 months old. I've carried a lot of bitterness and many questions for a lot of years. My children are 7, 5, and 3. Their dad was 39. I don't carry those doubts anymore.

When I was young I wrestled with the idea of the Trinity. One of my aunts explained it like this:

She took three matches and held them in her hand, one for each member of the trinity- the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. She lit each match and held the three together. Then she explained that fire is one element that increases as it is spread out- rather than becoming depleted it actually gains strength the farther you stretch it. But you have to feed it.

One of my neighbors explained the Holy Spirit as God's love living inside each one of us.

Genaura (my old roommate) was such a blessing. She never preached, didn't quote scriptures at me, didn't tell me how she was righteous or her faith was right where others were wrong. She just lived her life.

I think there's a light inside each and every one of us. When I arrived at the University my light was like a pilot light on a gas stove. It was still there but it was so small I didn't even register it's existence.

Genaura was filled with a glow so large it spilled out from her and touched those around her. Without doing anything more than living her life- she filled me. My light fed from her light. Through the years that light has gained in strength and intensity. If you feed it it will grow.

There are things I have done this year that I knew at the time were unusual for me and our family. When the apricot tree bloomed early I believed that, just like the past 5 years, we would not have an apricot crop this year. When it froze (and it did freeze more than once after the tree bloomed) I prayed, "Lord, please save the apricots. Please let us have an apricot crop this year." Every time it frosted, "Lord, please let my family enjoy apricots this year."

If you follow me on facebook you already know that we had such an abundance of apricots that my entire freezer is filled with them. We ate and ate and ate and enjoyed the abundant apricots. I worked long, long days making jam and I smiled the whole time and while I worked I sang, "Oh God is good to me, and so I thank the Lord, for giving me the things I need, the sun and the rain and the appleseeds. Oh God. Is. Good. To. Me. Amen, amen, amen, amen, amen...... amen.

I tried all summer to teach that song to my children and started using it as a blessing before meals. I had to look up the lyrics when the apricots starting ripening because I vaguely remembered the song and felt such a strong need to sing it. Whenever I tried to get my youngest to sing he would sing the song he made up about his blanket. It's titled, "Blankie, Blankie, Blankie." He never did show the slightest interest in my appleseed song.

The day Dave died several things happened that were not quite usual and customary for our family. It was October 1st. October 1st is the start of the new 4-H year. Our club meets the first Thursday of each month. October 1st is a Thursday. Sam, Chris and I went to 4-H that night. Before we left I packed their lunches for the next day and Dave helped me. We stayed longer than usual because it was our enrollment meeting and people kept waylaying me.

Usually our evening routine had me on the computer (because I very much need a little alone time now and then) and the kids playing out in the shop with Dave. Dave died while I was at 4-H. My Sam would probably have been playing in the same room at the time it happened.

Usually I'm playing on the computer or writing when it's time for the kids to go to bed. Dave handles bedtime. When the kids finish getting their stories from Grandma Chris goes out to the shop to tell his dad that it's time for good night rides.

On October 1st my dogs were driving me crazy. I thought they wanted food but when I filled their bowl they ran out of our house and towards the shop. I figured that Dave was out there watching TV and just waiting for a commercial before he came inside to see us.

Except that I kept thinking, "What if he's laying out there dead?"

But I shrugged that off until the dogs started doing their jig and running between the house and shop. At that point I saw red all over the floor of the garage. My heart stopped and I wondered if Dave had injured himself and gotten to the shop only to bleed to death. Then I realized what I was seeing was chalk all over the floor from when he cut my Styrofoam sheets for the kids to use in their bug class.

I walked out to the shop and my dogs were waiting, like sentinels, on either side of the door. At that point I knew something was wrong. I entered the building and there he was. Dave looked like he had fallen asleep. I knew.

Thursday night was the most terrible experience I've endured in my entire life. But in many ways this is also the most miraculous time of my entire existence. Things have happened for us this week that I have no explanation for. We are so surrounded by love. We were surrounded even as I found him. There are so many little things, too many to even begin listing that have to be miracles.

My God is a loving God. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. We'll never know why. It's a mystery. I'm ok with that.

You need to know that my burden is heavy. The words to Until It Sleeps say much more eloquently what is seething inside me than my words could ever convey. But every time I play that song and the grief almost overwhelms me my three year old comes running in the door singing, "Oh God is good to me..."

Always read scripture in context. Don't ever take someone else's interpretation of it. Think for yourself. With that admonishment I'd like to share Ezekiel 34:26, "I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing." We are so blessed. Our family is surrounded by the love and the light that radiated from David- and his light shone bright, oh it was so bright. That light has not dimmed even though the body that housed it is no longer with us. And on Friday morning I cried as I stood where my husband had died and I sang the appleseed song.

Today when I thought that the monster inside me was going to be very hard to fight my three year old came every time I almost gave way and he sang, "Oh God is good to me..." A few times he just kept repeating those few words until I could smile and finish the song with him.

Never doubt that God is loving and merciful. Why did he choose now to call my husband home? It's a mystery. There are many mysteries in life. We're not meant to know everything. There isn't an answer we can understand for every question we ask.

Know. Know beyond a shadow of doubt. WE ARE LOVED.

Thursday night I was sitting next to an old friend from the days when I was a 4-H member. We watched a woman working with the kids who were learning how to run a meeting. She is so happy, and goofy, and amazing. Her light spills over and feeds the light inside all of the people in our club. Within the past few years she lost a son and had her other son's wife die- leaving two little boys without a mother. Brenda never talks during the meetings. On Thursday she leaned over and whispered, "I don't know how she gets out of bed in the mornings."

I can tell you how she gets out of bed in the morning. WE ARE LOVED.

This week people keep telling me, "You are the strongest woman I know." I'm not strong. I am weak. The beast stirs inside me. I feel it under my skin. And it hates you. Don't ask this week how I'm doing. I might tell you. You will be scarred. Because the beast stirs. But whenever the beast stirs my three year old comes running.

Oh God is good to me, and so I thank the Lord, for giving me the things I need, the sun, and the rain and the appleseeds. Oh God is good to me.

2009-10-03T05:25:00.006-06:00

One of the topics I rarely blog about is my husband. There's a reason for that. I never wanted to say something that I would regret later or anything that might embarrass him. Our relationship was still very new and very basic. There rarely was much to say that didn't directly relate to the intimacy of our marriage. Sometimes any information is too much information so I rarely shared much about Dave in this forum.

When people would talk about difficulties in their marriage I would listen and then wonder how people got themselves to this point in their relationships. Then I would remind myself that we're still relatively newlyweds and that maybe with a few more years and miles under our belts there would be more discord in our marriage too. We've only been married since the fourth day of November in 2000.

I cannot quite wrap my mind around the fact that I'm writing this in past tense. My husband, my love, passed away very unexpectedly the night before last. He always warned me that he would not be here forever- that the men in his family are not long lived. I believed him. I did not believe that I would be a widow before I turned thirty-five. I did not believe that there would be a day when I would be raising my young sons without their father.

This morning when I woke up there was no one there. I was alone in my bed. During the course of our marriage it was very rare to ever spend a night away from each other. Some years we didn't. Even in years that Dave worked out of town we rarely spent more than 10 nights in a year apart. Most years we were separated at night for one night when Chris and I would go to a rabbit show in Kennewick and stay over.

Having consciously chosen to keep my husband (for the most part) out of my blog means that most who read here don't know much of anything about him. Let's change that.

David Larry Anderson was born in Boise, ID on June 6th in 1970 to Larry and Patricia Anderson. He grew up in the town of Nampa and attended Nampa schools, graduating from Nampa High School in 1988. He was active in Boy Scouts and even spent a few summers working at the Boy Scout Camp (need to look up where). David was always interested in being outside and spent many happy weeks camping, fishing, hiking, and shooting. His favorite activity was shooting black powder revolvers.

On Nov. 4th, 2000 David married Janet Loucks in Nampa. They welcomed their first child, Christian, on Nov. 1st, 2001. Sam joined the family in 2004, and Jake was born in 2005. David lived for his family. There was nothing he would rather do than spend time with his wife and children. He was an amazing father and husband who was always actively involved in raising and caring for his family.

Nowhere on Earth was there a kinder, gentler, man than David.

He is survived by his parents; his wife Janet; his sons Chris, Sam, and Jake; his sister and brother in law Pam and Ciro Gaona and their children Ciro and Miranda, his brother and sister-in-law Andrew Anderson and Veronica Garcia and their son Noe, His sister Katie and brother-in-law David Tuft and their children Sophia and James.

At some point this morning I need to finish the obituary for the paper. He was so vital, and warm, and so large a part of our family that I am not sure how to consolidate all that he was into a few paragraphs that his friends and family can read in the newspaper. He is and always will be my love, and my husband, and he'll always carry a very large part of my heart with him.

I have talked with the pastor about some of my wishes for a funeral. All summer I've wondered why it was I felt so driven to write about Uncle K's funeral. This week I can approach funeral arrangements having already thought out what seems to provide the most comfort for our family.

There are three main points I'd like everyone to remember while mourning the passing of our friend and loved one: We are saved through grace, God has promised us life everlasting with him, and love endures. Even when we are no longer together here on Earth- love endures.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Cor. 13:4-13).

Everything I know of Dave boils down to love. He loved deeply, completely, without reservation, and forever. There is no doubt in my mind that his whole heart was given to loving his family and friends, the wild outdoors areas, and freedom. Never have I doubted his love, once given it is eternal. Love endures where the physical body cannot. Even now, I feel him around us- loving us.

Life in the Dining Room

2009-08-31T21:54:00.002-06:00

Until recently most of our family meals were consumed in the kitchen. Our kitchen is fairly large and there is a butcher block table with four chairs that sits in the middle of the floor. We have two folding chairs that are stored in the laundry room that we bring out for meals. It's a little bit crowded to have six people sit down for meals in the kitchen, but the floor is linoleum and the clean-up is easy.

Earlier this summer Chris volunteered to set the table if we could start eating dinner in the dining room. Our dining room is carpeted and the antique Duncan Phyfe table combined with the white upholstery on the chairs made me leary of letting small children eat regular meals in that room. Chris was adament that this was something he wanted to try and the little boys were excited about setting the nice table and using the good placemats so I decided to let them eat Saturday dinners in the dining room and we would practice our "good" manners (instead of our evil manners).

After about three weeks of eating Saturday dinner in the dining room we started eating most dinners in there. Chris and Sam set the table every night (a new chore) and Jake takes out the salt and pepper and napkins.

In the beginning I thought it would be more work to eat in the dining room. I was scared the kids would make a mess and I'd wind up with even more stuff I had to do. It's actually easier than eating in the kitchen. We don't have to look at the mess left from cooking. I can move around the kitchen table without tripping over kids sitting in chairs waiting for me to serve food. The kids set the table. All I have to do is carry the plates to the table (we use Fiestaware and it's heavy). The boys love choosing which placemats we're using and which color plates we're eating on every night. They all know which side of the plate the forks go on and can usually place the salad and place forks correctly.

It's been a good thing. I'm glad that I gave in and let the kids fuss around with setting the dining room table. Dinner is actually less stressful and less work than it was while we were eating in the kitchen. We still eat breakfast and lunch in the kitchen, but there are fewer people being served for those meals and we are more informal. All three boys have gotten into the new routine. Chris and Sam have also started making the salad or vegetable for dinner. Setting the table has made them more aware of how many dishes need to be carried out before we can begin eating. They also realize that they can help more and by helping have more input about what we're eating.

Strength

2009-08-08T16:55:00.005-06:00

In preparing to begin a new school year I've been spending a bit of time analyzing our goals. Of course each child has educational goals, but we also have parenting and life goals that should be evaluated as well. One word keeps popping up in my evaluations:

strength: Pronunciation: \ˈstreŋ(k)th, ˈstren(t)th\
Function: noun
1 : the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance

2 : power to resist force : solidity, toughness
3 : power of resisting attack : impregnability
4 a : legal, logical, or moral force b : a strong attribute or inherent asset strengthsand the weaknesses of the book are evident
5 a : degree of potency of effect or of concentration strengths b : intensity of light, color, sound, or odor c : vigor of expression
6 : force as measured in numbers : effective numbers of any body or organization strength
7 : one regarded as embodying or affording force or firmness : support strength

My ultimate goal for each member of my family is strength. I want to raise these boys to become strong men. When the world changes around them I need them to be strong enough to deal with wise changes and to hold steady (even to the point of becoming counter-culture) against change that is occurring simply for the sake of change.

When their faith is tested (and you know it will be) I want them to be strong enough to look into other beliefs and question everything that they know... and then rebuild their faith based upon the truths they discover when their questions are answered.

When the media tells them what to believe and how to live I hope they will be intellectually strong enough to question the media sources, and the motives of individuals and companies backing the research leading to the "latest results."

When confronted with people and ideas foreign to them I hope my family has strength of compassion and character that allows them to see all individuals as equal and all viewpoints as valid- even when they disagree.

There is a movement afoot (not a new movement either) that believes it's in the best interest of our children to remove from public view everything that does not fit in with our own personal belief systems. That is a dangerous way of thinking. It removes individuals rights to liberty and personal expression. It suppresses art and political dissent. Perhaps most disturbing- it prevents our children from experiencing the opportunity to hone their judgement and truly embrace the morals and values we're trying to teach them.

What sort of future men and women are we raising if we truly believe that simply seeing others living and believing differently is a threat? Is it really a threat if women show a bit of cleavage or a lot of leg? Will it damage your children to see strangers drinking beer at a restaurant? Does having dinner with a gay couple actually have the power to destroy nuclear families?

Strength of character, intelligence, convictions, and faith is the most important thing I can teach my children. More important than reading, math, or science is strength. Less tangible, not quantifiable, and uncertain until tested is strength. Yet, I think it may be the most important asset of them all.

Struggles

2009-08-05T13:14:00.003-06:00

Ok, we're back from our first meeting with our "contact" teacher. She's the person who will be coordinating our education efforts, monitoring how well we meet standards and benchmarks for the grade, etc, etc.

I really like our teacher. I don't really like the whole education process. One point that's bugging me immensely is the target reading fluency for second grade. By the end of the year my child should be able to read (out loud) 94 words/minute. If you've ever spoken with Chris you know that while he may talk non-stop he does not talk fast. I don't think he can say 94 words in a minute much less read 94 words out loud in a minute. I understand that it's progress the school is looking for. Progress is great. Progress is our goal. Setting an arbitrary standard (and yes, I do think it's pretty arbitrary) and then having to work toward it makes no sense to me. Shouldn't our goal be to have him improve fluency period. Goals are important. I'd like to set some goals that are more achievable and in line with my child's abilities.

My son has really poor fine and gross motor skills. His speech is greatly affected by lack of fine motor control. He speaks slowly, pendanticly, and in a monotone. One of the standards for second grade reading involves reading with appropriate expression. Does my child have to have an IEP in order to account for his lack of expression while reading or speaking? Will meeting once a week with the special ed director improve his motor skills, speech, and expressive abilities? I don't want to be running all over the valley to interventions again this school year. We've been there, done that, and don't have a lot of improvement to show for it.

Why is it so important that all stages of reading be taught with intensive writing? If the writing is physically very hard, shouldn't it move at a different pace than the reading? If my child has different challenges than the average child does that mean he needs to be in special education? Why isn't it enough that as a homeschooler he gets one on one time with his teacher? He makes so much progress every summer. Quatifiable, visible progress. During the school year he doesn't gain nearly as much in terms of skills or knowledge.

What's the difference between school time and summer time? We stay home in the summer and don't deal with interventions (expect speech). Could it be that all the time taken up by "special ed" actually leaves him farther behind? Is it possible that allowing him to remain focused on his daily routine is more beneficial than running around meeting with "experts?" By Jove, I think I've got it! If being part of the charter school means weekly meetings or interventions I don't think we want to participate in it.

We Survived!

2009-07-28T08:04:00.004-06:00

It was over 100 degrees for most of the 2009 Canyon County Fair & Festival. We spent all day, every day on the fairgrounds (except for Wednesday when we left about 5 pm). One rabbit died from the heat and the stress (not from our group, thank goodness!). On Saturday night the transformers at the edge of the fairgrounds blew after a car accident took a power pole down somewhere in town. Our goat was the closest living thing near the power pole when the sky lit up and slag started hitting the ground. A bit of grain helped him recover from the shock :-) The majority of the people in the pygmy goat barn stayed until power was restored in order to offer assistance if the rabbits had to be evacuated from their barn (since the rabbit barn is metal with no insulation- no air conditioning means dead rabbits once the sun is up). My quirky son signed himself up for the greased pig contest and a good time was had by all (no, he didn't get to touch the pig). Chris showed his guinea pig (I forgot the camera that day) and my mom's pygmy goat. He's all set to do it all over again next year and show his first market lamb!

Fair Banner, work in progress

2009-07-15T12:21:00.001-06:00

Here's a picture of the banner I'm making for the pygmy goat kids to use over their pens. In case you're wondering- I do realize that font is hard to read and kind of weird looking. I'm just too cheap to go buy another set of stencils! Aren't the cows cute though? I love my happy cow fabric (Alexander Henry, In the Moood).

This is me

2009-07-10T19:43:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it feels as if the individuals we encounter during our blog explorations have joined our circle of friends. Certainly there are several blogs that I read regularly and I hold their authors in high esteem and some days it feels as if I truly know them and they know me.

Today while reading blogs it occurred to me that most of you who read my blog really don't know me. If you judge who I am and what I'm interested in based solely on what you've read in my blog then you only know a very small bit about who I am.

Most of you probably don't really care about the bits I don't write. We really have a very superficial relationship. It's alright. I'm ok with that.

It should be apparent that first and foremost I'm a wife and mother. Whenever I have to fill out a form that asks for occupation I write "mom." This blog also reflects that I have an interest in cooking, sewing, and crafting. I think that most of what I blog about concerns one or more of the subjects I've listed so far.

The things I don't write about (at least not more than once a year) are politics (I'm ultra conservative- but if you've been reading for a while you know that), health (I have an autoimmune inflammatory arthritis), my dreams and ambitions (mostly on hold until I have time to list something other than "mom" under occupation), my childhood (I grew up on a small farm and my mother and grandfather both worked in academia. My father died when I was 22 months old), and my marriage (because marriage is private and I don't ever want my husband to wonder what I'm telling the world about him).

Rarely, if ever, do I write about the things I really dislike. I don't tell you (until today) that I hate stupid people. Oops, I've been trying to get my kids to quit using words like hate and stupid. What I really meant to say is: I have a strong dislike of dealing with people who are intellectually challenged. There are a lot of intellectually challenged people in the world. A lot of those people seem to have life paths that intersect mine on a regular basis.

I don't write about how much I really, really, really like science and math. My best friend thinks I'm weird because one of the things that draws me to quilt is that it satisfies the math part of my brain with it's planning, continuity, and rhythm. She's asked me to refer beginning quilting questions to her instead of scaring people by telling them how much quilting is like math :-) Science is life. Math is life. Everything in the universe when broken into it's component parts is math and science. I accidentally minored in chemistry during college (and purposely minored in biology, ecology, economics, and zoology). Discussing disease vectoring actually excites me. Just a warning... I enjoy discussing nutrition and one of my dreams is pursuing cancer research (there's this theory I have...).

When people meet me these days I am sure that what they see is an overweight, thirty-something, homeschooling, mother of three. I'm sure that it's not a suprise to anyone that I bake bread and make yogurt. It's not suprising that I can sew or even that I'm a 4-H leader. What might suprise you is that I think being conservative means making fewer rules and allowing other people to make their own choices. It might suprise people that not only can I sort out lambs during a difficult delivery, I can kill an animal if it's needed.

Today I usually wear jeans, knit shirts, and Birkenstocks. I grew up wearing jeans, knit shirts, and cowboy boots. My boots were fashionable (for boots) but they all had traces of manure on the soles and the heels were designed to keep my foot from slipping through the stirrup in the event my horse "got in a storm" (which means an animal moving quickly and not rationally placing it's body to avoid injuring itself or it's rider). My neck curves the wrong way coming out of my head because more than once in my life I've been thrown from a horse and landed uncomfortably. Every injury I ever aquired (except for skinned knees from the bike) was aquired while dealing with livestock.

When I was in high school I was very active in 4-H and FFA. As a freshman my horse judging team placed first at State FFA Contests and we went to Nationals. When I graduated from high school there were universities interested in me simply because of my competitive judging skills. I raised Suffolk sheep and showed Arabian horses (because that one Quarter Horse we had tried to kill me). During the course of my 4-H career I won almost every event I participated in at one time or another (not there weren't people who consistently beat me). Round Robin (where top showman from each species compete to be THE top showman. Large animal round robin is sheep, horses, beef cattle, dairy cattle, pigs, goats, and sometimes llamas. Small animal round robin is rabbits, cavies, poultry, pygmy goats, cats, and dogs) was my favorite event- except that I never did get the hang of either showing or judging swine. I was a District FFA officer, attained the State FFA Degree, and always placed 2nd in the parliamentarian contest at State FFA Convention.

The reason I don't write these things on the blog is because (having just looked over my post) it doesn't sound good. There are way to many "I"s. It's not polite. It looks remarkably like boasting :-) Tonight I don't care. I'm tired of listening to people talk about things they don't know anything about. I'm tired of having people assume that because I'm a stay at home mom I know nothing of the rest of the world. I really resent it when people assume that because my life moves at the pace of a three year old I only know what a three year old knows. It really bothers me when men make the assumption that I must not have an intelligent opinion because I'm a wife and mother (and don't have a penis- thank God). In general I am really amused by people who keep saying, "I'm intelligent," If you're intelligent you shouldn't have to tell people- they should be able to figure it out without you labeling yourself for them.

What I'd really like you all to know is that I am more than a wife and mother. My world does not begin and end with potty training and bread baking. There is more going on in my head than laundry detergent recipes and methods of teaching reading. Please don't underestimate my intelligence or ability to assimilate and analyze data. In return I will try to remember that all of you most likely do not blog about everything going on in your heads either. We all have areas of our life we choose to share with the world. That doesn't mean that our worlds hold only the things we write about.

Fairtime, fairtime

2009-07-10T18:19:00.002-06:00

This is our last week to get everything wrapped up with our 4-H projects. Interview evaluations are on Monday, July 13th. Chris will be doing an interview this year. It's still optional to have Cloverbuds interview but I think the practice will be good for him. Next year he'll be a regular 4-Her and the interview will be required.

Chris will be entering a cake in the fair since he attended all the cake decorating meetings. Family, Consumer Science and misc. projects check into the fair on Monday, July 20th. He'll also be showing a pygmy goat and a guinea pig. They check in on the 21st. Goats show the afternoon of the 22nd. Rabbits and Cavies show the morning of the 23rd. The fat stock sale is the 24th and Chris would like to be a runner during that event. Our club picnic is the 25th and we also get to go home that evening.

I'm the leader for cake decorating, rabbits, and cavies. For some reason I also agreed to help with the cloverbud project this year. Next year I would like to send my small animal kids to a leader in Middleton and switch my focus towards the sheep project. Chris will have a market lamb next year and since sheep are my first love- that's the project I'd like to work with. Cake decorating has been so much fun and I've learned so much- I'd like to offer it again next year. Hopefully there will be some members interested in taking the project!

Today, I am tired. I can hardly wait for fair to be over! Chris is excited and can't understand why I'm not as happy as he it that it is fair time. My mother is pleased to see the experience coming full circle since she still remembers the days when I was a 4-Her and she was tired.

I've been thinking a lot about some of my 4-H leaders and how mcuh they impacted my life. Steve and Tish Oki were amazing, kind, wise people. My life is different and I am a better person because they were in my life. It's been several years since they died and I still miss them. It's my hope that I can make a difference in the lives of my members too. Unfortunately I'm not as amazing, kind, or wise as Steve and Tish were. Here's hoping age and maturity improve me :-)

Ahh... the relaxing, quiet, days of summer

2009-07-01T09:54:00.003-06:00

We are a 4-H family. Some families are sports families. Some are video game families. Some are simply TV watching families. We are a 4-H family.

What does that mean? It means many things and at any given time of the year my answer to that question may be different. Right now, today, the beginning of July, it means that fair is quickly approaching and our time is filled with record books, project meetings, and discussions about exhibits and showmanship.

We knew when our 4-H year began (October 1st each year) what the fair dates would be. We knew. It's written on all of our 4-H calendars and published each month in the Lines for Leaders newsletter mailed out from the extension office. Yet, come June every year we run around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to make sure we've met all the project requirements, completing our record books, and preparing for fair. I think it's a possibility that 99% of all 4-Hers are procrastinators (and so are their leaders).

About this time every summer I begin to question whether I'm willing to be a 4-H leader next year. I question my own organization, teaching abilities and methods, and wonder how I could have forgotten to include subjects n and x during project meetings this year. I fear that my kids won't be prepared for competition and that their embarrassment will be all my fault.

I forget that as a leader I am responsible for assisting the members in my projects. Assisting. There are members who always ask questions and seek out knowledge and experience on their own. They gain skills and knowledge in the gap between meetings. They attend functions other than club meetings, like shows and contests, and through experience their skill set expands.

Then there are the members who only attend meetings (and don't make it to every meeting). They don't go to the shows and contests that occur during the year. Their skill set is developed during our project meetings. Their skills don't change much from meeting to meeting. I feel more responsibility to them because everything they know comes to them through me. But I can't teach everything in a year. Expertise comes through repeatedly experiencing and participating in activities and events that build their skills.

I can only assist. Ask me a question. I'll tell you where to look to find answers. Work with me. Come to meetings and participate. Participate physically as well as mentally because knowing isn't as important as doing. Through doing you'll gain the knowledge. You'll also gain confidence in your own ability to learn and succeed. If you let me, I will help you, but I can't do it for you.Remember that you are in charge of your own learning experience. I'm the assistant.

I wish we'd learned more about diseases this year- but we had one member show up at the January meeting and one member show up at the February meeting where we would normally discuss health and diseases. I wish we'd butchered a rabbit this year, but we're really out of time. I wish all of my rabbit and cavy members had attended an open show this year. The opportunity was there, but only one member participated in the local open show. I wish the members understood that in order to really master this subject they have to immerse themselves within the industry in some way. They don't have to own 40 animals and breed them, but it would be great if they looked for opportunities to handle and examine as many animals as they can find.

I wish that I didn't feel as if the desire to learn about this project means that mastery of the subject is the ultimate goal. I wish that I could relax and accept that mastery comes over time and one year is not much time to spend learning. I wish that parents would also relax and look for mastery over time instead of mastery by fair time.

4-H isn't about the fair. 4-H isn't about winning. 4-H isn't even about the record books.

4-H is about building life skills. It's about making goals and incrementally meeting those goals. It's about teamwork and cooperation and learning how to learn. It's about sportsmanship and responsibility. It's about giving your best effort. Some days it's simply about showing up.

All year long we've shown up. We've put in time every month working on this project. We've worked with members of three different 4-H clubs. We've formed friendships. We've learned not to brush our teddies. We've learned to bring ice bottles with our rabbits during summer travel. We've filled out camp scholarship applications. We've learned to fill out entry forms and record books. We've learned to pose our animals.

Fair is coming. 4-H isn't about the fair.

My kids are weird

2009-06-26T22:16:00.003-06:00

I was late getting dinner on the table tonight because I got distracted playing in the garden (with Dave). Apparently the children were hungry (there was shredded BBQ beef in the crockpot- I just needed to make buns, cook a veggie, and set the table). Chris joined us in the garden with a bowl in his hand. I didn't think much of it until I made it back into the house to complete dinner prep.

Chris was sitting at the kitchen table with Jake and they were sharing a salad. The salad was full of beet greens and bok choy, butter bib lettuce, nasturtium flowers, tiny carrots, chives, parsley, and basil. It looked kinda weird. However, they'd sprayed it with balsamic viniagrette and were chowing down on the strange greens while they waited for me to finish cooking.

I've heard that kids on the Austism spectrum are picky eaters, rigid in their likes and dislikes, afraid or unable to try new things. Not Chris. If it's green- he'll eat it. If it grows in the garden- he'll eat it. If we see it in the grocery store and it looks interesting- he'll eat it. I know fairly normal grown-ups who don't eat as varied a diet as my children do.

People sometimes ask me how I get my kids to eat vegetables. The only answer I can come up with is- I simply don't care whether they eat them or not. I eat vegetables (but I truly don't like root veggies, which my kids all love). I serve vegetables at least twice a day, fruit three or four times a day. We're always looking for new ways to cook or serve veggies.

The kids enjoy helping in the garden and watching the vegetables grow. I think this makes them naturally curious and open to eating the product of their toil (bet you thought I'd never use that FFA Creed ever again, huh?). We start seeds on the patio in March and then move them to the garden the middle of May. Sam only cares about pumpkins and squash. He doesn't participate with the rest of the garden (but we do have about 16 mounds of cucubit type plants). Jake doesn't really work in the garden, but he likes to help harvest stuff. Chris has his own grow box and portions of two others that he cares for on his own (and he is much more conscientious than I am about caring for the garden).

Every trip to the grocery store we try to bring home something we've never tried before. Sometimes it's a vegetable. Sometimes it's a cut of meat. Sauces, condiments, and ethnic foods have all found their way onto our pantry shelves where they're rapidly consumed. Trying new things has become an adventure, quest, and lifestyle for our family. In the beginning I made up the "adventure" as a way to keep my mind from stagnating (any more than it already had). I needed a challenge that required me to flex my mind without taking any more time or energy than I was already spending caring for my family and house.

Now, seven years later, we see the result of my challenge. My children are weird. But they're weird in a good way and even though I catch myself laughing at them (often) I really enjoy the little people they're becoming.

Classrooms of the Heart

2009-06-25T12:37:00.003-06:00

I saw this video on Barbara Frank's blog (barbarafrankonline.com) and liked it so much I copied it so that any of you who don't already read Barbara's blog will have an opportunity to watch.

Gatto's teaching philosophy resonates particulary with me because much of what he is saying about educating teens and teaching real responsibility is exactly what our teens experience through participation in 4-H.

Hmmm.... recipes?

2009-06-15T13:44:00.002-06:00

Chris found a brand new (albeit broken) recipe binder in the garage today. He's fascinated with all the dividers, the recipe sheets, and the binder itself.

I've had a hard time getting Chris to read and practice his writing lately. Here's my newly hatched (and now documented) plan for summer instruction. Two days a week Chris will help make a meal (whichever meal he'd like to cook during the day). Before he gets to cook he has to locate a recipe he'd like to try.

Ok, here's the educational, language arts, genius part of the idea: He must copy the recipe into his binder.

After a whole summer of cooking he should have a good grasp of copying measurements and words. Following directions in sequential order, double checking measurements, using measuring tools, learning cooking terminology... what a treasure chest full of new skills he can gain by the end of the season. Plus, this is a great opportunity to learn how to prepare some of the vegetables he's growing in his very own garden plot.

Here's hoping mom has the discipline to follow through on this one. Some days it's just so much easier to do everything (especially cooking and cleaning related things) myself. Keep us in your prayers and hopefully the whole family will survive this experience!

Parsnips

2009-06-14T11:32:00.005-06:00

Night before last Chris stayed up late and watched "Good Eats" with me. I love Alton Brown (in a purely innocent way). He explains the food chemistry behind cooking. "Good Eats" is my version of continuing education :-) On Friday the show was about hiding vegetables in tasty foods that kids will eat. I admit to some curiosity although I have been known to tell my kids to eat some tator tots before they can have thirds of the brussels sprouts or broccoli (mainly because I wanted to eat more of the brussels sprouts or broccoli).

Alton introduced us to the world of parsnips. He made muffins, fries, and a pear/parsnip puree. Chris watched the entire episode with me. Upon completion he says, "Mom, let's buy some parsnips." Last week Chris wanted to choose his own vegetable while we were grocery shopping. Of course I gave permission. There was a clerk in the produce section stocking cucumbers. You should have seen him do a double take when Chris very confidently chose turnips for his vegetable. He asked if Chris liked turnips and Chris told him that he'd never tried them before but had heard they were good (God only knows who told him that).

This week I went grocery shopping by myself, but I did remember to put parsnips on the list. During the show Alton jokes about stashing them around his kitchen so that he never runs out. I thought of that as I selected eight tuberous specimens. The kids were excited to find new veggies as they helped me put away groceries. I had planned on experimenting with them Monday or Tuesday. By dinner time last night (the groceries came home at 3:30pm, we eat at 6:30) we were down to two and a half parsnips- because the kids ate them raw.

I quickly threw together a batch of muffins, substituting parsnips for fruit. The kids ate them for dessert and again this morning. Perhaps having a stash of this vegetable on hand is a good idea. They're somewhat sweet like carrots, but they also taste a bit like celery and radish- except mild. I guess what I'm saying is: They taste like parsnips and parsnips are good.

Also, beware of what your children watch on tv because they are being trained to become little consumers. I think that watching Alton exclaim over the delights of eating this vegetable made my children view them favorably before they ever even tasted a parsnip. The power of advertising is huge and we frequently take it for granted. So... long live the parsnip! It must be good, because Alton said so :-)

The Wackiest Wildest Weirdest Animals in the World- by Jack Hanna

2009-06-11T20:06:00.005-06:00

Yesterday we received, "The Wackiest, Wildest, Weirdest Animals in the World," by Jack Hanna, published by Thomas Nelson. I didn't get the opportunity to look at the book until this evening because my children have been fighting over it for the past day. "The Wackiest Wildest Weirdest Animals in the World" is a big hit with the seven and under crowd living here! Some of the animals covered were very familiar to the family (like lions and ostrich). A couple of the animals (like Bongo) we'd never heard of before. Our kids were definately motivated by the beautiful pictures to read to themselves and find out more about the animals.

Included with the book is a DVD of bloopers from Jack Hanna's TV show. My kids weren't terrifically enthralled with the DVD, but I enjoyed it :-) I'd recommed this book to anyone with younger children.

Exposure - by Brandilyn Collins

2009-06-11T19:47:00.004-06:00

I loved this book! All week I kept trying to get into a romance I'd agreed to review and this book sat on my side table, tempting me. Finally, I put the other book aside and started reading Exposure, written by Brandilyn Collins, published by Zondervan. I couldn't put it down. Kaycee Raye lives in fear of unknown people watching her every move. She knows the fear is irrational. It's something she picked up from her mother, who had the same fear. Except- what if her fears aren't irrational? What if someone really is out there? Watching her? Moving things in her house? Leaving vanishing pictures of a dead man in her home?

Exposure is very well written. The suspense kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the entire book. There are no "slow" chapters. Brandilyn Collins has written an amazing action packed story that I highly recommend to anyone interested in mystery/suspense. I'll certainly be looking for more stories written by this author!

Makes me laugh!

2009-06-07T13:28:00.001-06:00

This isn't even remotely politically correct, but it made me laugh so hard my sides hurt! I apologize in advance to any new fathers who may read my blog (although I'm betting there aren't any).

American Patriot's Bible: The Word of God and the Shaping of America, Richard G. Lee (editor)

2009-05-31T09:10:00.005-06:00

I was so excited waiting for delivery of "American Patriot's Bible: The Word of God and the Shaping of America," edited by Richard G. Lee and published by Thomas Nelson. When the box arrived it was surprisingly heavy. This Bible (NKJV) is hardcover, 9.1 x 7.4 x 1.9 inches in size, and has a shipping weight of 3.7 pounds. My first impression of the book was that it was too large to become a handy reference or to take with me for casual reading.

When I requested this book I was hoping to find that it used biblical references to uphold the principles of liberty and democracy that are the cornerstones of American government. Instead, as I read, this Bible gave me an unsettling view of America as God's promised land. I am both a patriot and a Christian, but the concept that we are special and blessed by God above other nations makes me feel very uncomfortable.

There are lots of interesting historical tidbits scattered throughout this edition. I think the overall effectiveness of this Bible would be improved if it were split into a two book set- the NKJV Bible and a companion book with all of the historical tidbits, speech excerpts, and other commentary. While the "American Patriot's Bible" is advertised as a study bible, I don't think it really is. Instead it is a collection of short biographies, parts of speeches, and historical trivia compiled between the pages of the Bible.

What is marriage?

2009-05-30T16:41:00.003-06:00

______, I take you to be my wife/husband from this time onward, to join with you and to share with you all that is to come: to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to inspire and to respond, and in all circumstances of our life together to be loyal to you with my whole life and all my being, until death parts us. -adapted from the Lutheran Book of Worship

How do you define marriage? I'm not talking about the Prop 8 debate. What I would really like to know is how you define your marriage. What is important to you? Why did you get married? How did you choose your mate? What value do you place on marriage? Does religion or faith affect your view of marriage?

Our marriage occurred on Nov. 4, 2000 in a Lutheran Church. We formed a covenant marriage which includes three individuals- Dave, me, and God. Faith does figure into our marriage. It was (and is) important to me to have God as part of our relationship. Together, the three of us, can handle any challenges.

Legally, all of our assets are combined (although Dave keeps telling me that in the event of a divorce he gets to keep my college dishes- since I gave them to him while we were dating when I bought new ones). We share our bank accounts, our pantry, responsibility for our children, housework, yardwork, and cheesecake. There is not much individual ownership within our household. Within the confines of our own walls we are a benevolent socialist dictatorship. Dave and I make the laws, most goods are shared, individuals recieve commodities based on their needs rather than their contribution to the household (everyone contributes to the household).

After almost nine years of marriage we are no longer newlyweds. Life has sometimes been challenging, sometimes fun, sometimes sleep deprived, and always joyful (except when it's not). We had our first child right before our first anniversary (missed it by three days!). Our third child was born two weeks before our first kid turned four. That means we have not spent a lot of time alone during our marriage. I think our biggest challenge will come when the kids leave home and we're simply a husband and wife instead of Dad and Mom.

I love my husband and love does enter into our marriage. We have been growing children for all but 3 months of our marriage, but I don't think marriage is about the children- they're just a byproduct of our union (wow, that sounds vaguely pornographic).

Marriage is a relationship more enduring than mere friendship. We are committed for life and beyond to this individual we each chose back when we were young, thin, and lacking maturity. Together we have grown, changed, and endured. Endurance sounds bleak and a bit harsh, but it isn't. Endurance is what it's all about.

Don't take it for granted.

2009-05-26T19:47:00.002-06:00

A threat to freedom anywhere is a threat to freedom everywhere. The loss of freedom comes slowly and slips into our lives in non-threatening ways. Smoking's bad for you- let's make it illegal to smoke anywhere outside of your home. Guns can be dangerous- let's make it harder to purchase them. Education is important- let's implement lots of testing and mandate that all children learn the same thing at the same time. Seat belts save lives- let's make it a crime not to wear one. Speaking out against the current administration is seditious- let's start wire tapping the phones of citizens who speak out against our elected officials.

It's easy to turn the other way when you see someone losing freedoms- as long as it's not your freedom that' being encroached upon. I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. Heck- I stand upwind when burning ditches in the spring because I simply hate smoke. A smoking ban in restaurants sounds like good news to me! All that nasty smoke is bad for me. You shouldn't be able to smoke in my presence. In fact, why don't you just quit smoking? I think there should be a law dealing with that.

Forget the right of a private property owner to choose how to use his own property. Forget my right to patronize a non-smoking business. It's just plain common sense to force people to quit smoking. I don't smoke. My friends don't smoke. Heaven knows my children should not ever smoke. That guy who lives down the road- it should be a crime for him to smoke.

Ok, maybe I don't really think it should be a crime to smoke cigarettes. They are really gross though. I don't smoke and neither do my friends or family members. So... if you want to pass laws criminalizing smoking I won't support them- but I won't oppose them either. Anti-smoking laws don't affect me.

A threat to freedom anywhere is a threat to freedom everywhere. What happens when it's parental rights at stake? What if the mainstream media goes after homeschooling parents or private religious schools? When it's our turn to give up our freedom- who will stand for us? Who will stand with us? We are not a majority. If majority rule is what it's all about and the majority are apathetic towards our choice- will we retain the freedom to educate our children as we see fit?

Common sense is not something that should (or can) be legislated. Yes, it's good common sense to always know where your children are and keep them safe. Does that mean a parent is criminally negligent if they allow a child to climb a tree? Is it ok to climb the tree so long as the child doesn't fall out of the tree? Is it ok to fall out of the tree so long as no bones are broken? If the child falls and gets scratches and bruises should that be grounds to terminate parental rights? This may seem like a meaningless argument- but it's the direction we're headed.

When you try to legislate morality and good common sense you quickly criminalize many acts that aren't truly criminal. Government should not be so bulky and all encompassing that normal people live in fear of accidentally breaking the law. Laws should exist only for the most extreme situations (murder and assault being quite extreme).

Next time you hear about proposed bans on certain activities or greater government oversight for anything, ask yourself, "what happens if this law isn't passed?" Fear of what might happen allows us to trample all over other people's rights. "What if my children see that man drinking a beer? They might grow up to be alcoholics?" Of course you could talk to your kids about the lemmings jumping off the cliff. "What if my kid grows up to be gay because we gave homosexuals equal rights?" Of course your kid could grow up to be suicidal when they realize the majority of the men like women and they are going to be shunned within their family and community. "What if that kid with cancer dies because his mother allowed him to refuse chemo?" What if that kid dies anyway and spends his last year in hell on Earth because he's forced to do chemo?

Life is hard. The answers aren't easy. There is no cheat sheet to refer to when working through the trials of life. Don't allow freedom to be stolen from a few individuals just because their issues aren't your issues. Some day your freedom will come under fire. Make sure you've worked to protect others and hopefully they'll stand with you when it's your turn to fight.

Completed Projects (how few and far between they are...)

2009-05-22T15:30:00.003-06:00

Sam took this picture by himself. It's one of my favorite pictures of the little boys.

The first part of May we were invited to a birthday party for a three year old girl. I didn't have time to go shopping so we made her a bag (what a surprise that probably is to most of my readers- all two of you). The guinea pig food all of our friends use comes in muslin feed sacks. I've been itching to get my hands on some of them and finally a friend of ours gave me about 40 sacks. They have gotten a lot of use in sack race context. They also make great hidey holes for stuffed animals. I used one for the lining in Camryn's bag. The remnants made for some very classy wrapping paper. We are nothing if not classy.

It feels like we have been very busy with schoolwork and yardwork around here lately. Many, many weeks ago I posted pictures of my fabric for Rylee's quilt and the top for Grandma D's quilt. Today I finally have pictures of the completed Churn Dash quilt for Dave's grandma! My in-laws are headed to Burley tomorrow for Memorial Day and the quilt is complete and ready to go with them. I am so glad to finally have it off my sewing table! It would have been gone long ago but it took forever for the backing fabric to get here.

arrrrgggghhhhhh

2009-05-14T17:31:00.002-06:00

Sam had a doctor's appointment today with the ear, nose, throat specialist. Every other time we've seen him (all 4 times that is) I've been very happy with this doctor. Today I'd like to write a letter of complaint to him. The only thing stopping me is that I'm worried I'm PMSing and possibly took things the wrong way.

Two weeks ago I took Sam to his pediatrician because he was complaining that his ear hurt. Since he has tubes in his ears I was worried that this meant he had lost a tube and now had an ear infection. Before he got the tubes Sam had such a bad infection it bulged the ear drum out. He was asymptomatic. No fever. No tugging at the ear. No complaining of pain. Just speech delayed.

In Sam's entire life he's been on oral antiobiotics three times. He took them when he was six months old and had a sinus infection in conjuction with his bout with yersinia enterolytica. After his surgery to place the tubes Sam took antibiotics for 10 days. Two weeks ago, after using a CT scan to diagnose, Sam was given two weeks of antibiotics to treat a very bad sinus infection. Sam turns five next month.

Today we returned to the ENT office for a follow-up on the sinus infection. Three days ago Sam's nose started to run again. As each day passes the mucus gains a bit more color. I mentioned this to the P.A. He told me (after examining Sam's adenoids) that we needed to keep Sam on a nasal spray (Veramyst) and "irrigate" his nose with saline at least three times a day. I asked him how to go about "irrigating" Sam's nose without having to hold him down.

He told me that he was the wrong man to ask. The gist of his comments concerned lecturing me about overuse of oral antibiotics (because apparently parents like me are at real risk of overusing antibiotics). He also told me that he'd physically restrain his daughter (the same age as Sam) in order to treat her. Saline works as well as oral antibiotics in fighting chronic sinus infection- this is good to know. It wasn't until the end of the conversation that he finally thought to describe the process of "irrigating" the nose.

You have to understand that the last time a medical professional mentioned irrigation to me it was as I was using much of my own body weight to hold down a pygmy goat undergoing a c-section. When she talked of "irrigating" she meant, "pour a couple gallons of warm, sterile, saline over the incision so that I can look for bleeders." The doctor today apparently meant "moisten by spraying bottled saline up his nostril for half a second."

Did the man start out telling me how to treat Sam's nose? No, instead he lectured me about my parenting skills (since I'm opposed to holding my children down and treating them- instead I like to treat them as creatures of reason) and about overuse of antibiotics (yet, the bulk of antibiotics Sam has taken were prescribed by him- twice).

Central to my parenting philosophy has always been a deep respect for my children. I will not hold any of them down three times a day for medical treatment. They deserve better. Doctors should be able to offer advice about treatment that doesn't include physical restraint for almost five year olds. I didn't ask for a different solution- just advise about how to implement his instructions.

Twenty years of working with horses has taught me that brute force is rarely needed and often causes way more harm than good. Sam won't be five and weigh 42 pounds for very long. I need to establish a relationship with him that is founded on trust. Sometimes he needs to do things that are scary or unpleasant. How can I get him to do those things once he's as big as I am if I treat him as if his fears and needs don't matter now? Sure, in an emergency I have no problem restraining him when it's for his own good- but three times a day, every day? No way. There has to be a better way to gain compliance. Of course it would be helpful if the doctor explained the treatment better. Irrigate. Moisten. Totally different actions.

Oh dear! Chris has learned to surf the web!

2009-05-11T22:16:00.002-06:00

I think it's time to activate my parental controls feature for the internet. Chris has learned to surf the net. He loves youtube! Since he frequently searches "bunny" and "rabbit" I'm a bit concerned about him finding "bunnies" that are not lagomorphs!

Reflections on ceremony, death, and hope

2009-05-07T14:47:00.004-06:00

Does anyone ever enjoy attending a funeral? It's not a happy occasion. The "man of the hour" is not able to actively participate or contribute to the remarks (as you know he would have liked). Most difficult of all- if the life you're celebrating is that of a person you usually hang out with when attending funerals- the loss is even more apparent. When the speakers say something entirely too preachy or serious it's automatic to look towards Uncle K- but today he wasn't there. I mean his body was there- in a box- at the front of the room. But to quote Matthew 28:6, "He is not here, he is risen," and he is sorely missed.

Unfortunately, Dave's family has provided me with the opportunity to attend many funerals in the past 10 years. I've only attended 3 funerals for friends and family on my side in the same amount of time. Ten years is a long time for reflection about what I do, and do not, like at any given funeral. My husband will think me very macabre, so we won't tell him what this post is about and he most likely won't ever read it on his own. If I die, could someone please print out my wishes in time to plan the funeral around them?

I love music and singing. When I die I'd love to have lots of music and singing. My absolute favorite hymns are: 1. Simple Gifts, 2. Bringing in the Sheaves, and 3. Joyful, Joyful. I'm also rather fond of, "How Great Thou Art," but it's so common at funerals that you don't have to sing it at mine (unless you want to).

If the pastor gives a sermon at my funeral I would like it to be about hope, promise, service, and the enduring nature of love. I do not want the officiating person (or any other speaker) at my funeral to speak about: 1. Tithing, 2. The work we must do to earn a place in heaven, 3. My late acceptance of the importance of the church organization (which hasn't happened yet, and may never happen), 4. The importance of obedience to church doctrine (because we all know that I only really care about Love God and love one another- I could care less about conforming to church doctrine), and 5. The opportunity my death gives all the people attending my funeral to accept the Lord as your Saviour (It's not that I don't think that's important- funerals just aren't the place for recruiting new people).

You may talk about service to others (but only if it makes me sound good and actually applies to the live I've led). It would be acceptable to talk about Jesus and the resurrection and how that event gave us all everlasting life (but I'll haunt you if you suddenly shout, "Come to me Jesus!" or begin swaying and moaning). I'd really like the religious part of the event to last fewer than five minutes and it should be something that is comforting (seriously, if there is talk of tithing at my funeral I'll haunt everyone who was there and let that sort of talk occur).

My favorite type of funeral occurs in small, rural churches where all the people in the community know each other. The pastor speaks of the glory and mercy of God. He reminds us that life everlasting is ours once we part from the Earthly realm. Then (after a very brief sermon- like 3 to 5 minutes) the pastor passes the microphone through the congregation and invites everyone to share their memories of the deceased. It's amazing to hear how lives were touched, history was made, and love endured throughout any given individuals life.

Death is a natural part of life. It's hard on those of us who have to move forward without the companionship of our loved ones but I think that we owe it to them to celebrate a life well lived. We owe the widows, the children, and the friends of the deceased the opportunity to know that our lives were touched, our hearts were changed, or simply that we are better people for having known the person who is missing from our gathering that day.

I can't even begin to put into words how much we'll miss Uncle K. He was a unique individual (as all of the Anderson's are truly, amazingly, hilariously unique). Watching the Anderson siblings was more entertaining than any television show I've ever seen. Aunt Barbara, Aunt Betty, Uncle K, and Larry - I keep trying to type what it's like watching this group and the words won't come. They are close. They play tricks on each other (especially Barbara and K). I hope my boys are that close when they are grown. There's so much I'd like to say, but the words just won't come in any coherent form- except- Sam is rotten, and sweet, joking, and serious... and he very much reminds me of K. Every time we'd see K and Sam would be ornery (which occurs pretty much every day) I'd blame K- and he would grin.