Priorities

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

What is normal friendship development? How often do you hear from your friends? How often should you expect them to want to get together? I know that every relationship is different. I know that people's schedules and ability to give to a relationship change over time. We all get busy with work and other activities and when we do have a chance to be home- we want to veg, not catch up with friends we haven't seen in a while. I am not a giving, present friend 100% of the time.

It's been so long since I've really made new friends. I've made very casual friends. They're the people who I hang out with on occasion and rarely seek out. We run into each other or someone has a wild hare and schedules a get together. We don't talk every day. We don't make it a point to get together and have dinner every month or two. We might purposely see each other a couple of times a year.

I think the problem is that I'm missing my best friend. The one who was always here. The one who wanted to hear me bitch about the stupid stuff every day. The one who would dance around the living room with me when I heard a song I liked. The one who would put spending time with me above everything else in his life. Yeah, that guy.

Amy's my other best friend. She also listens to the stupid stuff I complain about on a daily basis. She has never danced around the living room with me- although she did once wear my bra stuffed with socks. WE make spending time together a priority- when she's in town- which isn't often. I love hearing from her. I love listening to her complain about the stupid stuff that's bothering her in her day. I love hearing her speak about the things that excite her.

I don't have a best friend in my town, let alone in my house, anymore. Amy is awesome, she really is. But she's not the same as having a best friend in my house who partners me in life. Am I possibly at the point where it's time to put my toes back in the pool and open myself to the idea that there's another man out there who can be that friend, lover, and partner that I want?

The shallow relationships that I've maintained here locally (of the male type- my girls ALWAYS have my back!)- they're annoying the hell out of me. They've been annoying me for a couple of months now. I don't want to be an afterthought. I want to be important in someone's life. I miss having a partner. I miss having a lover. I miss having someone to take care of, and think about, and do things for and with. Of course I miss Dave... but this is something more and different. I think that I may be ready to make room in my life for someone new to be that partner, lover, and friend. Maybe. Or maybe I get so irritable and annoyed because I'm not ready? Eh, what the hell... next month is going to be about exploring and trying to do something positive with my social life. I'm open to ideas and suggestions (and set ups- hint, hint).

Remember Me

Interesting Revelations that could only happen during a county fair...

That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the task itself has become easier, but that our ability to perform it has improved. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I learned something important during the fair this year. I like being single. Shocking, yes?

I feel like I need to add a disclaimer here: I would never have chosen to live my life without Dave- if anyone had given me a choice. In no way am I saying that I'm happy he's gone or that my life is better without him. Neither of those statements are true.

What I am saying is: I like being single. I like my life. I like not answering to anyone else. I like being the one who decides how to allocate resources. I like knowing that it doesn't matter if I make it home for dinner or not. If the kids are with me we can do whatever sounds good at that moment in time. If we want to stay late at the fair, there's no one missing us at home. If I want to wake up at the last minute and make the kids eat a granola bar in the car for breakfast- no one's going to criticize.

During the course of this year we've bought a lot of sheep. Well, we bought 8 sheep. That's a lot for us. I picked them all up with the horse trailer. Then I drove them to weigh-in... and sheep meetings... and the fair. If you've never pulled a trailer, or if you've always pulled a trailer, that might not seem like anything special. I haven't really driven with a trailer in about 18 years. I've kind of forgotten how to back up a trailer without jack knifing. It's also kind of interesting to hitch a trailer, not difficult, just interesting.

As I was backing into the driveway with the trailer on the night of fair check-in, I realized that I was incredibly happy and peaceful, both at the same time. We'd completed our 4-H year. The kids were doing well. Every place we'd needed to be- we made it. Stuff was ready to go for the show the next day. The kids were ready for the show the next day. I BACKED the trailer off the road, down over the drainage ditch, and into the driveway by the shop. Then I unhitched the trailer, sent the dog to the house, said goodnight to the llama (who I'd tracked down, tried to purchase, and transported the week before), got in the suburban to pull around to the front of the house... and realized... I was HAPPY! And a large part of the reason I was happy... was because I'd done hard things... and I'd done them by myself.

The boys were with me. I can't say that they didn't help- they did. People in our 4-H club helped, of course they did. But really- I did this. I got my family through the 4-H year. I managed the meetings. I figured out how to feed the kids dinner on the go for the nights we needed to be on the other side of the valley by 6:30. I bought the suburban so that we would have a vehicle that will haul a trailer. I arranged for Chris to buy sheep. I took him to buy sheep. I paid for some of the sheep. I arranged to have feed delivered. I encouraged Chris to go out every day, multiple times a day, and take care of his lambs. I drove us to all of the meetings, and workshops, and practices that the kids needed to learn and grow. I re-educated myself on how to BACK UP that darned trailer! For all of the details that had to be worked out, big stuff, small stuff, seemingly inconsequential stuff... it got done.

I can do hard things. I can even do them with grace (sometimes). I can make things that used to be hard seem easy because my skills have improved. It feels good.

Canyon County Fair 2011

I'm a horrible mom and took hardly any pictures of the fair this year. I'm sure that I have more pictures on my camera- but not really very many of them. This picture is of Chris slick shearing his own lamb a couple of days before we checked into the fair. He did a great job. His leader, Claudia, and I helped smooth things out a little, but he did most of the work himself.

The little boys both showed pygmy goats this year. They had a great time walking them around the goat barn and keeping their water bucket full. There's just something about little boys and water. Both of them did all right in the show ring- considering they were milling around for about 45 minutes while we waited for the judge to come back from her break. Then they lined all the little kids up on the pavement in the sun and had them stand there for a few minutes before letting them enter the show ring. By that time- none of the kids were practicing their best showmanship skills. A good time WAS had by all... and Sam did NOT lie down and play with the grass in the arena this year! Overall, that's an improvement!

Chris showed two market lambs and two ewe lambs. He slick sheared one and a half of his own sheep. TJ, the teen leader for our project, Claudia, and I sheared the others. This was the first time either Chris or I had tried using the slick shearing clippers. They're nice. I think we should budget to purchase our own set next year.

The lambs did fairly well. Chris got blue ribbons on everything. He is the world's slowest pen cleaner. I just have to say, it was painful to watch- so, I'd usually go hang out in the tack stall behind the barn :-) This was the laziest I've ever been at a fair. I did make sure everyone got where they were supposed to be on time, but the kids did their own work. That's the way it's supposed to be, that's the way it was. Nice. That's all I can say :-) NICE. Even the handing off of sheep and putting on of halters as Chris exited the arena and had to go right back in with a different sheep- a kid helped with that (thanks, Katelyn!).

We have some of the nicest families in our 4-H club. It was a joy watching and listening to them as they worked throughout the week. Some of the teens got a little bit grumpy as the days progressed and the lack of sleep was compounded. They were still awesome. I didn't hear a single parent complain about the judging or berate their kiddo for anything that happened in the show arena. We're blessed to be part of such a supportive, positive group of people.

This is the first year Jake's been old enough to show. He was VERY proud to have the opportunity to take Willow the pygmy goat. Willow was born in 2003. Showing him has become a family tradition. Each boy has gotten to take him to the fair the first year they show. The really funny part of that is that Willow is a pain in the butt to show. He also weighs about twice as much as the little boys do. Willow's big goal for the past four fairs has been to visit the expo building- on the other side of the fairgrounds. Whenever he sees it, he takes off running... and Jake can just run along with him or let go... he CAN'T stop him! It's pretty funny. All the people in the area panic and run to catch the wild goat. Little do they know that like any good dog, he'll eventually come back. It does make it challenging to actually show him when the showman only weighs 40 pounds though.

Sam took a yearling doeling of Mom's to show this year. She'd been to a show or two, but hadn't really been handled all that much. When we started working with her (and I use the term work very loosely, pygmy goats didn't really register on my list of important prep work for fair) she would barely walk on a leash. By the time she came home she was a friendly, little thing. She also walked well on her leash and learned to follow the boys and Willow even without a leash. I like her a lot (shh... don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to maintain). She did run across the arena, dragging Sam, but all in all, they did pretty well together.

It was an awesome fair. Even though I didn't take many pictures it is still a fair that I'm sure will live on in our memories. We came. We had fun. It was a success!

Breathe

For some reason today I feel like I can't breathe... and on top of that I have more than my fair share of bitchiness. I'm trying to keep it to myself, but it's spilled over onto other people more than once today. I hate feeling like this. It's that strange, emotion moving under the skin feeling. My filter's not totally gone- but it's shredding a little. I'm not sure what to do to bring everything back into alignment and find my peace again. I'm hoping that it's just exhaustion and that once I get some more good rest my normal good mood will return. In the meantime- I just need to work on only letting the nice words come out of my mouth :-) which is much easier said than done.

Really bad poetry- you've been warned.

"Tis the night before fair and all through the house,

our belongings are strung amid mess, socks, and sawdust.

The club banner and name signs reside

on the suburban front seat

beneath the sheep cards, shears and rakes.

The laundry is strewn like dandelion fluff,

trailing through the kitchen and into the hall.

Kids are asleep still wearing their boots.

(They've been warned that I don't care if they wear thongs on their feet- my job's to make sure they don't forget the sheep).

Dining's not an option at the dining room table.

Archaeological digs might find layers of paper, glue, felt, stickers, and lotion (don't ask).

Our poor dog is lost in all the commotion.

The kitchen remodel is coming along.

Luckily, food's not a priority, there are more important tasks.

Thank goodness record books were due early.

Now if only we can keep them looking neat and pretty

Until they reach the club display booth.

Things feel way too in control tonight-

Surely something remains to be done, but for now... I'm headed to bathe and make myself smell girly.

Bad Dreams

Early this morning I had a dream about Dave. In the dream I realized that I should have tried texting him (because technology is just THAT good, lol). When I texted he answered. Then he came over. The gist of the dream was that he wasn't dead- and I was FURIOUS because he hadn't contacted the kids (for some reason the fact that he'd ignored me too wasn't an issue). Apparently he'd gone into some sort of job training program (like Job Corp?) and had decided that he just couldn't do what he needed to do while dealing with all of us.

I know it was just a dream. I know it was ridiculous. I know that Dave was NEVER like that. But- I'm still having a hard time getting past the mad feeling.

The whole dream could be a sign that I've been dithering over whether to keep Dave's phone line going or not. I want to save the outgoing message but I haven't actually taken the time to do so. Until the message is saved off of there- I'm willing to keep paying for the phone line- because when I need to I can hear my husband's voice. I can even leave him a message if I want to.

We're in the middle of getting ready for fair. The sheep weigh in next Tuesday and our club scrapbook and record books need to go in on Monday when we decorate stalls. When I'm busy and overwhelmed I tend to project my feelings about one issue onto another issue (or person, or event). Before Dave died I was much better at seeing my own motivation for actions. I was also better at recognizing emotions and knowing why I felt the way I did.

This evening I'm wondering if maybe I'm a little mad at Dave for leaving- and leaving me with all the work and all the kids to raise. I know he didn't have a choice, and had he been offered a choice- he would have done almost anything to stay (except trading his life for one of ours). I still love the man like crazy. He's been dead for almost two years and I still find myself getting irritated with him on occasion. I don't want to be mad at him, especially when there's nothing he can do to make it better. There's no action anyone can take to change the outcome.

This is my life. I love it. Come hell or high water... this is mine. My family. My home. My choices. My decisions. My life. It wasn't all that long ago that it was OUR life. Even though it seems like it's been a long time- it hasn't been all that long. I miss OUR life. I miss having someone to share the joys and the responsibilities and someone to take care of (but not like a parent caring for a child). I miss my honey. He was also MINE. Apparently I don't do well letting go of my stuff or my people.

Here's hoping that tonight brings sweeter dreams...

Mom's not always all there

Have you ever had one of those moments when your brain malfunctions? Chris and I weighed his lambs on Thursday for the first time since weigh-in, which was mid-May. It was a little scary. Our rate of gain averaged .39 pounds per day on feed. That's abysmal!

Ha, ha- guess what? I was remembering the weigh in weights as 10 pounds heavier than they really were. Dur, dur, dur, dur. Way to go, Mom. Now that I tracked down the real initial weights- we're averaging .53 pounds gained per day on feed (.53#/dof). That number's still not great, but I think it will look better the next time I weigh them.

A little over a week ago Chris woke me up to tell me that there were dogs in the sheep pen. I went out and sure enough, there were two black dogs sitting at the gate, wagging their tales at me. When I went in they started growling, but moved away from me. They'd been there for a while. There were five sheep hiding in the little shelter in the dog kennel (my husband built a huge dog kennel and it's the main "corral" for the sheep- they're out on pasture, but can still get into the kennel, it's where we grain them).

I couldn't convince the dogs to exit the gate, so I started looking for the two missing sheep while keeping an eye on the dogs. The Boise market lamb, Sheepy, was standing pressed against the side of the shop. He looked fine, he just wasn't moving around. Lily, our bum lamb, was dead on the ground. She'd been gutted. Of course- she's Chris's favorite.

Since I couldn't get the dogs out without upsetting the sheep- and I did not want the sheep starting to run with the dogs in the pen- I went back to the house. On my short walk back I had to make the choice between shooting the dogs while they were still in the pen or getting their owner. Since I was positive they were from the house back behind us, I got my keys instead of a shotgun and made an early morning call in my nightgown to tell the neighbors I needed their dogs out of my sheep NOW.

That's always a lovely way to meet your new neighbors, isn't it? Especially since I was wearing my nightgown and not much else. The neighbors were great about the situation and even took Lily and buried her so that I didn't have to deal with her. They paid for her and the vet bill for the rest of the flock.

Every lamb we own had scrapes and scratches in all four of their armpits. The big, blackface ewe, Tulip, had a couple large scrapes on one flank. Sam's little ewe had a large cut in her left, front, armpit which required stitches (she's still swollen and stiff).

Sheepy looked good, but still wouldn't rejoin the flock so the vet and I went out to him- she thinks he broke his left, front leg. The suspected break was high enough, towards his shoulder, that she couldn't splint him in the pasture. She said we could bring him in if we really wanted to, but she recommended not moving him around that much because it could displace the break. She was also uncertain that a splint would work well, since the whole shoulder would have to be immobilized. So far he's looking good. He's a little stiff on that front leg, but actually limps less than Brisca (Sam's ewe) does.

At any rate- back to that rate of gain thing... I'm not too concerned about the mediocre rate of gain because I'm pretty certain the dogs ran off a week's worth of gain. We'll try to weigh more often so that we can keep on eye on things. I'd like to boost that gain to .7#/day from here until fair time. Chris has been excellent about feeding the sheep and keeping them in fresh water. He really is committed to keeping them healthy and happy (plus, he wants more money).

We've started buying from a feed store in Caldwell. This is big news to me for two reasons. First, they give us an excellent price on feed with a 4-H discount. Second, the sales rep delivers the feed to our house. She even brought Chris a pallet to keep the feed on so that it doesn't absorb moisture from the concrete shop floor. Betz Feed, Caldwell, Idaho- they deserve a shout out! Awesome people, very youth friendly, very knowledgeable.

Dance With Me

Nap time

Remember when your kids were young and they'd get so tired, either from excitement or illness or changed routines, that they just would NOT go to sleep? It starts out with just a little fussiness, just a bit of grumpiness. Before too long they're just not happy with anything you try to soothe them.

Favorite blankie? Why would you offer them that rag? Binkie? What do you think I am- a baby? Cuddles? Oof, you're too hot- let go! How about a game of peek-a-boo? Good grief woman, I'm mad and i do not want to play that STUPID game!

Eventually, after exhausting all the fun parenting tricks in your bag- you just put the kiddo to bed and leave them to scream. The screaming is heart breaking- but trying to jolly the kiddo out of it doesn't work. So, screaming it is- until- abruptly, mid-wail, they fall asleep.

You can try to head off the screaming, but once the kids hit that point in their exhaustion- all you can do is delay the inevitable. The screaming has to happen before they'll be able to relax and surrender to sleep. One of the toughest things any parent does while their kids are young is try to figure out when to help and soothe and when to leave the baby to melt down. There's a bit of second guessing and wondering if there's something else that can be done to soothe them to sleep... but generally by the point of leaving them to "cry it out" you've already tried everything you know- at least twice.

Grief can be like that. I feel it rise up under my skin. Everything feels unsettled and "off." Nothing is really right. Everything rubs me the wrong way. I can jolly myself out of it for weeks, sometimes even months at a time- but- eventually the melt down has to happen. No one can pull me out of it. I can be distracted- but beneath the surface the grief is still rising.

Melt downs aren't fun. They may be cathartic- but they never totally dispel the grief. Nothing is ever completely settled. That seed of grief is still there. It will grow again. But each time I melt down, I learn more about the process and begin to see the signs along the way that warn of impending chaos, anger, and heart wrenching sorrow. As I recognize the signs I can try to vent the grief in new ways and hopefully get a handle on it before it's ready to explode out of me.

The melt downs are coming much farther apart these days. I hope it's because the grief is starting to mellow a little (although there are days I'd dispute that statement) and because I'm gaining new tools to help vent the emotions before they take control of me.

* (as I typed that last line, "Walk this Way" started playing in the background- and I smile. Only my very good friends will understand. I think it's a sign that I should end here).

Songs for a Sunday

That time of year

It's been so busy around here that I haven't taken the time to sit down and write. We did get all three market lambs weighed in. The two largest lambs are weighed in for the Canyon County Fair and the little guy is weighed in for Western Idaho Fair. We missed our sheep 4-H meeting this month because we were still driving home from the Boise weigh in.

Most of our club doesn't go to that fair because it's too far away. We joined the club when we lived on the west side of Nampa- just across the highway from Caldwell. When we moved we didn't want to switch groups because we love our club and the families who comprise it. Now I joke that we have to drive to the boon toolies in order to participate- and that's more than kind of true. It means we're one of few families in our group who live this far east. It also means that the Boise fair is much more feasible for our family than for most of our friends.

Right now I am so glad to be a homeschooler! Summer is so busy and we run all the time. We get up early and work all day. With the boys therapy appointments happening several times a week on top of all the 4-H activities and general work around the house and with the sheep- there is not a lot of down time. I can hardly wait until September. Most families will be gearing up for school activities and busier than ever. We will be taking a break and enjoying the rest. I don't know how we'd ever manage to get everything done and take care of everyone if we had to work around a school schedule. I know that families do it all the time- but what do they give up in order to do so?

Weight GAINING blog record!

I have a couple of cousins who are documenting their weight loss journeys on their blogs. I think it's a great idea because it give accountability and provides an easy to access record of their successes and can work as a wonderful tool for evaluating whether whatever method they're choosing is workable for them.

:-) I'm more in need of a diet than either of my cousins- but- that's not something I really care about working on at the moment. Maybe someday it will be, but today I'd like to use my blog to begin documenting our 4-H lambs and their progress through this summer!

Chris picked out his market lambs on Saturday and yesterday he and Sam went and bought breeding ewes. We need those market lambs to be over 110 pounds by the end of July in order to be able to sell them in the 4-H/FFA livestock auction at our fair. Judging by the frame size of our lambs I think he needs to shoot for 130-140 pounds in order to have his lambs finished (appropriate amount of fat cover) by fair time.

The ewe lambs don't have to make a minimum weight requirement, but we would like to breed as many of them as possible this fall. In order to do that they need to be fairly large and have enough fat to begin cycling (ovulating). The Dorset ewes are smaller framed than our black faced sheep. Chances are that they'll be too small to breed no matter how we feed them- but we're still going to do our best to grow them as well as we can. I suspect Chris will show his Dorset ewe for showmanship and he certainly plans on showing her in breeding classes at the fair. I'm not sure what kind of weight goal to set for them. They should be about 110-120 by fair time- I think.

This morning we brought out the new digital scale that Chris purchased with some of his market lamb money from last year. I think we need to make a box for it so that it's easier to keep the lambs on top of the platform without holding on to them (and skewing our weights). So... the weight in results for May 12, 2001 are (drum roll please...):

Lily (bum) 55lbs

Flora (1163, Chris's Dorset ewe) 55lbs

Brisca (1173, Sam's Dorset ewe) 45lbs

Tulip (1123, Chris's Hamp/Suffolk ewe) 80lbs

Brutus (801, Chris's Caldwell lamb) 69lbs

Sheepy (1047, Chris's Boise lamb) 60lbs

Lambchop (257, spare market lamb) 79lbs

We're planning on feeding Rangen lamb grower this year. The bag we opened last night looked good enough for the humans to eat and the lambs seem to love it!

Sam was so excited about his ewe that he got up about 10pm and I had to walk out with him to check on her. Chris was up at 6:30 this morning because he felt the need to check too. :-) So begins our year...

Grand excitement

Last Saturday we bought Chris's market lambs and brought them home. He's learned a lot since last year- but I did catch him measuring the ribs instead of the loin. He laughed and moved farther down when I asked why he wanted to know how big the lamb's ribs were.

Today we get to go look at breeding ewes. I'm almost (not quite, but almost) as excited as Chris is about it. Chris really wants Hampshires, I saw some beautiful Dorsets at the fair, Suffolks always sell well... choices, choices. The people we're going to see today have some of the nicest sheep in the valley. I'm positive that they have gorgeous suffolks and dorsets, but I'm not positive they have hamp ewes for sale (I think they do, but her email only mentioned the dorsets). It will be exciting for Chris to go actually choose- luckily the Fishers are really nice and helpful and can offer him advice that he may or may not listen to if it were coming from his mother.

It's really odd to realize my kid is old enough to participate in his own money making venture. My nine year old is now self employed :-) I'm proud of him!

What is that? Can I eat it?

We had the pleasure of doing chores for Mom tonight. She has an interesting mixture of critters at her place. Before I get into the list of animals I need to tell you- the woman has a MS in Animal Science. She spent years working for USDA, FSIS as a red meat inspector. She is one TOUGH lady.

She's also very tall and slender, elegant, intelligent, and totally capable and competent at many things.

Having said that (now I'm giggling): the lady raises pygmy goats and cavies (guinea pigs, for the uninitiated). When I was growing up we had horses and sheep and eventually started raising rabbits. Now she's pygmy goats and cavies. In fact, she's an ARBA cavy judge and the reason I got to feed tonight is that she's out of town judging.

The high points of the evening were playing with her spotted donkey, Sabrina, and watching Dory the Border Collie watching the cavies. There's nothing else on Earth quite like that border collie focus. She's intense... and she REALLY likes cavies.

Walk in faith

“Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Walk in faith. It's harder to do than you'd think. Go with the flow. What will be, will be... so very hard for people like me who seriously lack patience. I know that time answers most questions and heals most hurts. It just takes sooooo long when what I want is instant gratification. Could we please just fast forward life and get to the good parts? Wait! No, I take that back. I want a long and rich life. If I fast forward through the everyday stuff I would miss the most valuable parts of this life. So... how do I get from here to there without fast forwarding and without losing what is left of my mind? Walk in faith. Trust. Believe. Love. Walk in faith. Why are the important things always so complicated- and yet simple at the same time? Simple, simple ideas- such simple ideas. Fear crowds out faith. Impatience comes with it. If I let Fear and Impatience play together long enough they invite their friend Anger (at least he seems to come to all the parties they host at my house). So... when all else fails and fear starts to set out the snacks and is looking for the phone to invite his friends over... practice walking in faith, practice letting go of what I can't control anyway (and really wouldn't want to), practice loving without reservation, practice being open to life and whatever good may be coming my way. Trust that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen... and put the fear and worries in a balloon and "let it go." Walk in faith.

http://krissyrich.com/did-the-pma-fairy-visit-you-this-morning/

:-) Follow this link, because I can't figure out how to embed this video in my own blog. Krissy is a fellow homeschooling mom who was part of our TEACH co-op before she and her family moved to California. This video is about how she maintains and cultivates her positive mental attitude. Towards the end she references a book called, "The Compound Effect." The sign she made for her kids has stuck with ME ever since I watched her video the first time. "It all matters. It all counts. It all makes a difference over time. Everything I do, say, and feel matters, counts and makes a difference over time. I make amazing little choices every day."

"If only"

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”

~Sydney Smith

Many years ago Amy and I came up with what we call the "no regret" rule. Whenever we come to a crossroads and we're not certain which path to take we ask which choice is most likely to yield the fewest regrets.

The path not chosen always bugs me. What would have happened if I'd chosen differently? What if I'd said this, or done that? How would my future have changed? Would my future have changed? I LOVE to have all the variables thought out and in my control. Hahahaha, how often is that EVEN a possibility?

Sooooo... we come to the point where two roads diverge in the wood- and one path is clear and well worn and the other is murky and shaded... which way do you go? It's easy to walk in the sun, we still don't know what's around every bend, but at least we have light to see. But that murky, shadowed path calls to me BECAUSE I don't know where it leads. What if paradise is just around the corner and in my desire for safety and security I totally miss it? On the flip side- what if hell is around the corner and I save myself because I took the sunny path?

I'm getting to know myself a little better in my old age. I find that I really will regret not seeking the truths found along the less traveled path.

It's scary to put yourself "out there." Recently I did just that. All of my cards- they're on the table. And... it didn't change anything. I could have kept to the safe and sunny path and eventually these two roads would have met further down the hill. But... I always would have wondered if they would end up in different places. I would have regretted not taking the scarier path.

I might have regretted it for the rest of my life, because "if only" is a phrase that can eat away at a person. "If only" I'd said something. "If only" I'd done something differently. "If only" I'd been braver (because saying what you really think and feel takes a whole lot more courage than I'm sure I have on most days). "If only..."

Even when nothing changes, "if only" has no power over me- because I explored that other path. Even when both roads led to the same destination I can move forward with no regrets- and that meets both the words and spirit of the "No Regrets" rule. :-) I have no regrets, I wouldn't change a thing. I won't take anything back and I don't wish I'd stayed quiet and still.

"No Regrets" baby! It's a pretty darned good rule to live by.

The end of dating

Dave and I actually only dated for about 20 months. March 6, 1999- November 3, 2000. I always say that we dated for two years- but that's a slight exaggeration.

When we started dating we were just having fun. Neither one of us was interested in a long term relationship- or really any kind of relationship. I remember about a month after we started seeing each other my friend, Kory, came to stay with me before his best friend's wedding. He left the same day that Dave was coming into town. As we were standing at the door saying our goodbyes, Kory looked at me and grinned and said, "You're only safe as long as he doesn't start bringing you presents."

It was the weekend before Easter.

He brought me the neatest box made of limestone tiles. Inside it was a little purple rabbit. He'd picked the tiles specifically because they were pieces that contained fossils. It's really one of the most unique things he ever gave me (other than children- the children are pretty unique).

I just laughed at the time (although Kory's comment did keep repeating in the back of my head) because we were NOT dating. We were just friends who were enjoying each other's company.

Fast forward a few months. During the late summer of '99 I went and spent a week in Nevada with my best friend and her husband. It was sooo much fun! My mom had surgery on her arm that week and I had been planning the trip to Amy's for a couple months... so, I asked Dave to check in on mom and I went to NV anyway (I know, bad, bad daughter). Amy and I talk on the phone ALL the time. It's not like she didn't know anything about this man I was spending time with- but not dating.

His name came up so often in conversation (because I was thinking about him) that I finally had to admit- we WERE dating. It was a surprise to me. He laughed when I told him. Apparently he'd thought we were dating for a long time.

We dated for another year while I worked in Shoshone and lived in Gooding. It was nice having a regular date every two weeks. After our fair in July I took a week's vacation and flew to Seattle to visit Kory.

I lived in Gooding.

Dave lived in Nampa.

We didn't usually see each other during the course of the week.

Somehow it was different being out of state. Also, I apparently gave Dave the wrong number for Kory's house and I didn't have a cell phone (in that ancient time period). It took FOUR WHOLE DAYS before he finally figured out the actual number (apparently my writing makes fours and nines confusing). It was horrible. I missed him SOOOO much- even though it made no sense, because I didn't usually see him during the week.

That's when I knew- I wanted to marry him. It took another month and a half to convince him. Seven weeks later we were married. :-)