Phhhhllllltttttt....

My poor neglected blog. I've left you alone far too long, but I'm just not sure what to say anymore. I have a hard time saying what I'm really thinking where the people I care about can read it. It's much easier to talk to people I don't know as well.

Today is hard. It's much harder than I ever imagined it could be. I miss my husband. I don't want to set up for tomorrow by myself. In fact it is such an incredibly unpleasant idea that I'd rather skip Christmas all together. If I could just go to sleep and not wake up until after Christmas- that would be fine with me.

Dave and I always did the holiday preparations together. I would sew and make gifts. He would watch the kids so that I could sew and make gifts. This year people will not be getting handmade gifts. I probably could have made them, but my heart just wasn't in it.

In a lot of ways it feels like I've gone back in time. Unfortunately the time period I've apparently chosen to visit is my teenage years. I didn't like being a teenager the first time I was there. I like it less now. Hormones, mood swings, self centered, generally unpleasant- yep, that's me. I don't like the way I feel right now. I don't like it at all.

On Christmas Eve Dave and I would always get everything ready for Christmas Day. We'd stay up late making sure everything was just right and then we'd fall in bed together to celebrate another good year. All of our years were good ones. We had so much fun together!

I feel like my soul's been ripped. It's injured and aching. Every day I wake up and try to be the best mommy I can be. Some days that mommy's not a particularly good one. It's hard being around people, even my own children. I'd love to travel to the ends of the earth and get away from people for a while. Of course, if I'm alone then I still tend to panic. I have some poor, abused facebook friends who can attest to that. I want to be alone, but I can't actually tolerate being alone.

It's Christmas, and we're all supposed to be happy. I find myself wondering how early is too early to start drinking tequila. Don't worry- I don't usually drink, it's not as if I'm falling into alcoholic oblivion. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I love my children and want the best for them. Me, present and accountable is the best I can provide.

They seem to be doing much better than I am. Of course, if you asked people around me I'm sure they'd tell you that I'm doing better than expected too. It's much easier to hide what you're feeling than it is to share it. If you ask me how I'm doing I'm going to tell you "fine."

Hopefully, sometime between now and tomorrow morning I'll have a revelation that will make the holiday better. Something will happen that will renew my faith and feed my soul. Until then, tequila sounds very, very good :-)