Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Bad Tempered

I realize this is the season for giving thanks, and I am thankful. There are many things in my life for which I am thankful: health for myself and my children, lovely weather, the beautiful country surrounding us, good friends and family, our very good dog, cute kittens, children learning to be independent, plentiful food, clean drinking water, shelter, and so much more.

However, my temper is very short and I'm having a hard time controlling it.

I just want to have a nice holiday. Really, I care about the family and friends we've invited- or else we would not have invited them. But I just want my holiday, my way. Yes, it's selfish. No, I don't care. Next year I'll care. This year I don't. I don't want to do things your way. I don't want to compromise. Maybe I'll regret it later. But today, to quote my son, "I want to do it the way I want."

Everything I treasure about the holidays has been turned upside down. I do not want help making pie. I do not want to go to someone else's house and let them do all the work. I do not want to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the early afternoon. I just don't want to do it. I want to return to my traditions. I want to immerse myself in the parts of the holiday that I still have some control over and enjoy.

This is not fun. I do not want to be where I am today. I do not like being a single parent. I do not like it at all. I do not like sympathy. I do not like being treated like I'm fragile (or explosive). I do not really like it when anyone acknowledges that this is a hard time for me. But- I do want to do the holidays my way. I want some control over the changes we have to live through.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel bad for being unwilling to compromise. I realize that the people in my life are really trying to help and make things easier for me... and I appreciate them for trying. What remains, is my desire to grab onto the holiday traditions I used to have. I love cooking and entertaining. I love having people over. I love setting a pretty table. This I can do, and I'm thankful that my friends and family are nice enough to let me do my thing and hopefully not get too frustrated with me.


Mrs. B. Roth said...

You should have invited me over, I'm useless and don't care about anything. Well, I would like a cheesecake, preferably with raspberries. And a ham, dammit.

Ok ... no more procrasti-(freaking)-nating

off the the store to make everyone happy. Cuz I don't care.

mmmm raspberry cheesecake.

And mashed potatoes with chives and bacon.

Barbara Frank said...

Hope you were able to get into the parts of Thanksgiving you like the best.

The control issue is an interesting one. When my husband's business of 12 years failed due to his industry being outsourced to China, he suddenly decided to diet and lost a lot of weight. I saw it as him controlling the only thing he had left to control....what he ate.

Take care, Janet.

jugglingpaynes said...

I hope you are able to have the holidays your way.

Our traditions are what helps keep us afloat in hard times. It gives a sense of normalcy when our world has been turned upside down. And holidays are a particularly stressful time after loss because there is this glaring absence. I think it's wise for you to try to follow your traditions, but it isn't awful to accept some help as well. Your family is trying to be helpful but they don't exactly know what to do. Forgive them, and tell the most receptive ones how they can help you.

Thank you for the birthday wishes! I'll let you know how the vegetarian does. So far, making sure she gets enough protein is the hardest part of this. I'm very thankful for cheese, eggs and yogurt. :o)

Peace and Laughter,

Anonymous said...

It is useful to try everything in practice anyway and I like that here it's always possible to find something new. :)

Jake camping in the living room

Jake camping in the living room