However, my temper is very short and I'm having a hard time controlling it.
I just want to have a nice holiday. Really, I care about the family and friends we've invited- or else we would not have invited them. But I just want my holiday, my way. Yes, it's selfish. No, I don't care. Next year I'll care. This year I don't. I don't want to do things your way. I don't want to compromise. Maybe I'll regret it later. But today, to quote my son, "I want to do it the way I want."
Everything I treasure about the holidays has been turned upside down. I do not want help making pie. I do not want to go to someone else's house and let them do all the work. I do not want to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the early afternoon. I just don't want to do it. I want to return to my traditions. I want to immerse myself in the parts of the holiday that I still have some control over and enjoy.
This is not fun. I do not want to be where I am today. I do not like being a single parent. I do not like it at all. I do not like sympathy. I do not like being treated like I'm fragile (or explosive). I do not really like it when anyone acknowledges that this is a hard time for me. But- I do want to do the holidays my way. I want some control over the changes we have to live through.
Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel bad for being unwilling to compromise. I realize that the people in my life are really trying to help and make things easier for me... and I appreciate them for trying. What remains, is my desire to grab onto the holiday traditions I used to have. I love cooking and entertaining. I love having people over. I love setting a pretty table. This I can do, and I'm thankful that my friends and family are nice enough to let me do my thing and hopefully not get too frustrated with me.