Thursday, November 19, 2009

I need a vacation

I am tired. Not, "stayed up too late last night," tired. Tired like, "getting four hours of sleep (or less) every night for the past 42 days and sleeping 16 hours total in the week prior to that. I would really like to sleep but four hours seems to be my waking point. This would be ok if I could take a nap during the day- but I'm not allowed. I've tried it. It never works. Someone needs me every five minutes. In the end I am frustrated, but not rested.

Yes, I've been encouraged to try sleeping aids. I have tried them. Four hours, yes, four hours. After four hours my mind turns back on and my body hurts. Ah yes, I forgot about the body aches that usually had me waking up at the four hour point. Only now, I can't get back to sleep after I get up and move around- and at 2 or 3 in the morning I can't take anything to put me back to sleep either.

Let's not forget that Jake wakes up about four and comes into my bed because he, "has a hard time sleeping." I understand the problem, trust me- I understand it. The fact remains, we need more sleep over here. I would also welcome someone taking the boys for an overnighter so that I can actually relax for a little while without having to fix food, do laundry, kiss hurts, run baths, and take care of the myriad little details that fill our days. But- no one is going to do that. You see, it's been almost two months since my husband died and in the eyes of the world- we are healed and no longer need assistance. I couldn't accept assistance after the first week because we needed to be able to stand on our own. That kind of screwed me- because now I am exhausted, bone deep exhausted.


Mrs. B. Roth said...

You come come down for an extended Thanksgiving vacation. I don't know if we'd be sleep conducive tho. Hmm ...

Amy said...

Call My Parents! They want to watch the boys. I know it can't get you an overnighter yet with them, but it would give you a day, an afternoon or an evening. So CALL THEM!

I wish I was there to help.

Janet said...

I'm doing better today. Just need a brief pity party! I'm over it now. Amy, I will call your parents.

Barbara Frank said...

Janet, I'm so glad to see you posting. I wish I lived near you so I could help you. Know that I've been praying for you since you posted about your husband's death, and will continue to do so.

In an earlier post, you suggested that someone who takes on the life of a single parent willingly is deluded. That's true. My sister chose to do so. My nephew is now 12 and is full of pain and anger over not having an involved dad. When my sister made her selfish choice, she didn't realize the baby she carried would have real feelings of neglect and abandonment because she didn't need a man in her life.

Your boys, however, will grow up hearing from you about how much their daddy loved them. You'll keep him alive in their hearts until they're reunited with him someday. Growing up hearing about their awesome dad will help them become awesome dads to their own children.

Hang in there, Janet. I pray that you feel God's comfort every single moment.

Simplymom said...

Janet, I can keep them overnight. I can do Sat. night and then take them to church with us, or Sunday night or Monday night. After that we will be going out of town, but I will be back the next weekend. All you have to do is ask. It's hard to know what to offer and what you need (and I really don't want to be a pest). But I can do this! Call me.

JuJu said...

Janet, I'm so sorry for your loss. I just happened across your blog this evening. The worse kinds of grief are for a spouse or child. We lost our oldest, a daughter 10 years ago. The next year will be most difficult one, you don't have to stand alone, by yourself. Ask your friends and family for help. Do the normal daily routines, but you need rest also. Grief takes a physical toll on your body, on your mind. Allow others to give you breaks, even if it's just a few hours a week. Gradually you and the children will be better, keep the memories close. Hug those kids often.

Jake camping in the living room

Jake camping in the living room