Bad Tempered

I realize this is the season for giving thanks, and I am thankful. There are many things in my life for which I am thankful: health for myself and my children, lovely weather, the beautiful country surrounding us, good friends and family, our very good dog, cute kittens, children learning to be independent, plentiful food, clean drinking water, shelter, and so much more.

However, my temper is very short and I'm having a hard time controlling it.

I just want to have a nice holiday. Really, I care about the family and friends we've invited- or else we would not have invited them. But I just want my holiday, my way. Yes, it's selfish. No, I don't care. Next year I'll care. This year I don't. I don't want to do things your way. I don't want to compromise. Maybe I'll regret it later. But today, to quote my son, "I want to do it the way I want."

Everything I treasure about the holidays has been turned upside down. I do not want help making pie. I do not want to go to someone else's house and let them do all the work. I do not want to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the early afternoon. I just don't want to do it. I want to return to my traditions. I want to immerse myself in the parts of the holiday that I still have some control over and enjoy.

This is not fun. I do not want to be where I am today. I do not like being a single parent. I do not like it at all. I do not like sympathy. I do not like being treated like I'm fragile (or explosive). I do not really like it when anyone acknowledges that this is a hard time for me. But- I do want to do the holidays my way. I want some control over the changes we have to live through.

Tomorrow, I'm sure I'll feel bad for being unwilling to compromise. I realize that the people in my life are really trying to help and make things easier for me... and I appreciate them for trying. What remains, is my desire to grab onto the holiday traditions I used to have. I love cooking and entertaining. I love having people over. I love setting a pretty table. This I can do, and I'm thankful that my friends and family are nice enough to let me do my thing and hopefully not get too frustrated with me.

The Soft Goodbye

I need a vacation

I am tired. Not, "stayed up too late last night," tired. Tired like, "getting four hours of sleep (or less) every night for the past 42 days and sleeping 16 hours total in the week prior to that. I would really like to sleep but four hours seems to be my waking point. This would be ok if I could take a nap during the day- but I'm not allowed. I've tried it. It never works. Someone needs me every five minutes. In the end I am frustrated, but not rested.

Yes, I've been encouraged to try sleeping aids. I have tried them. Four hours, yes, four hours. After four hours my mind turns back on and my body hurts. Ah yes, I forgot about the body aches that usually had me waking up at the four hour point. Only now, I can't get back to sleep after I get up and move around- and at 2 or 3 in the morning I can't take anything to put me back to sleep either.

Let's not forget that Jake wakes up about four and comes into my bed because he, "has a hard time sleeping." I understand the problem, trust me- I understand it. The fact remains, we need more sleep over here. I would also welcome someone taking the boys for an overnighter so that I can actually relax for a little while without having to fix food, do laundry, kiss hurts, run baths, and take care of the myriad little details that fill our days. But- no one is going to do that. You see, it's been almost two months since my husband died and in the eyes of the world- we are healed and no longer need assistance. I couldn't accept assistance after the first week because we needed to be able to stand on our own. That kind of screwed me- because now I am exhausted, bone deep exhausted.

The next chapter...

This has been a good week. I finally took some time off (we've been running a lot lately) in order to focus on resting and letting my body heal. I've been sick since the 2nd of October- straight through, no break. It started with a little cough, and I've been coughing and blowing my nose ever since. This week, and last weekend, I took it easy. We stayed home (for the most part) and worked on school, watched tv, listened to music, played a little music, played with the dog and kittens, and generally acted like lazy bums. When Dave died I wanted to be anywhere but home. Things look so normal here but everything had changed. Now we're moving into a new kind of normal.

News flash: I did not die. I know, that seems pretty obvious- but it takes a while for your body and mind to come to terms with a major loss. For several weeks my body didn't really register sensation, like hot/cold, pain/pleasure, hunger, etc. I think it took about three weeks for the physical shock to wear off. When I was alone my body would panic (it usually took my brain a while to figure out why things felt so weird). I am a fan of Xanax. It's good stuff. I haven't taken any this week (not since last Thursday, I believe) and things seem to be going fine without it.

Everything is different, and yet, some things are still the same. We still homeschool. I'm still teaching a class about bugs for our homeschool co-op (although I've definately not been as good a teacher the past few weeks). We're still involved in 4-H. I'm still leading cake decorating, vet science and sheep (co-leading sheep). Chris is still looking forward to getting a lamb this spring. Sam is in love with our litter of kittens. Zowie is in love with our litter of kittens. Jake is goofy, goofy and runs around the house pretending to be Buzz Lightyear and flying.

Every morning we get up and the world is still turning. The sun is shining. The weather here has been beautiful! We've been blessed in so many ways. I can hardly wait to see what happens in the next chapter of our lives.