Thursday, July 15, 2010

There will come a day...

I so badly hope there will come a day when I can look into the part of me that houses memories of Dave and it won't be like looking into a black hole. It's scary, painful, intensely compelling, and swamps me with emotion when I look into that place. In some ways it reminds me of looking down into the Malad Gorge. The compulsion that pulls at you to fall into space, allow yourself to be swept along in the current of the river at the bottom. This past month has been like traveling along the edge of the gorge for miles and miles. Every day traveling the distance and never leaving the rim.

I've avoided looking into the abyss in the months since Dave died. It was too painful and honestly I just couldn't bear the emotion. The days pass fairly peacefully around here. I can keep us all occupied- heck, fair is coming, we're more than occupied. I focus on the moment and truly do feel peaceful and content most of the time.

That black hole is waiting under my bed. Inside my closet. In the dark surrounding the house. In the quiet moments and the lonely moments. No matter where I go the black hole is hidden, just at the edge of my vision. If I'm careful not to look at it, I can pretend it isn't there. But it's there. I know it. You know it. The kids and the dogs know it.

I'd love to start dating again. In many ways I feel ready to date again. I loved being a wife. It was my dream job :-) I loved pretty much everything about being married. Losing Dave was like being fired from that perfect employment. Of course our marriage wasn't perfect. We aren't perfect. We had our struggles just like most couples do- but we really enjoyed our time together. There's no one I'd rather spend time with than my husband and kids. We had so much fun together and were so comfortable together.

Everything starts to feel very normal and I think I am back to being myself. Then something happens that reminds me I'm not. I'm still injured, still not totally whole, still not totally Janet as Janet should (and will) be. I can read now, which I couldn't for a few months after Dave died- I just didn't have the concentration and short term memory to make it work. I can watch tv programs- as long as I don't walk away in the middle- if I walk away I forget what I'm watching. My short term memory is kind of back. I'm not as likely anymore to forget appointments and conversations I've had. But- it's still not totally right.

There's nothing I want more than to be a normal, whole, healthy, happy individual. I miss being healthy. Physically I seem to have recovered- haven't had anything since March, even though I was ill the entire fall, winter, and most of the spring. Mentally- well the jury's still out on that one. I'd have to say that my actions and reactions still aren't as healthy as I'd like them to be. Adding the stress of a relationship to my life- oh my goodness! I am capable of a major freak out! That's news to me. Totally unexpected.

So, here are the questions of the moment: Does the freak out occur because I'm just not ready? Is it too soon? Am I going to be this weird for the rest of my life? Will waiting longer prevent me from freaking out when I start a relationship with someone new? Or, will the first relationship cause me to have to deal with everything all over again- regardless of when that first relationship takes place?

I'm so frustrated with myself and with life in general at the moment. Anyone who has insight or ideas for me- I'd welcome them. :-) By nature I'm an insomniac and having all these conflicting thoughts and emotions whirling around inside my head is NOT helping. I just want healthy and normal (normal for me). How do I attain that?


lemontree said...

Janet- I don't think it's anything you could force anyway. You seem to be overthinking things, which is natural anyway. Find joy in your everyday, but at the same time don't be afraid to branch out, have fun and make new friends. When you are ready, I think it will come naturally. Just enjoy being you.

Janet said...

Lemontree :-) (love your name Ms. T), I actually wasn't looking for anything but found something I liked. Now it's got me turned inside out because I'm not sure how to react or what' going on. Therein lies the heart of the matter. But you are totally right that I overthink things. It's a life long problem of mine :-) Thanks for your advice, I always love hearing from you!

Jake camping in the living room

Jake camping in the living room